I watched , yet I could not help you .

Why are you so angry ?

Since that day when it all happened , you have changed. I was there that day too. I watched as you , I felt your pain yet I could not help you I saw all the people , the ones that have made you who you are fell to pieces .

The strong one , the bad chick, the victim, the educated one, the drug addict, the alcoholic, the co-dependent, the 16 yr girl who appears all too often, the compassionate one, the relapse queen who seems to be addicted to her pain.

I watched , yet I could not help you .

What had happened ? Why are you on the floor?

One day turned into two days, and into months .

I could see that were not yourself and in need of help. Hello “new you” , no reply! She doesn’t listen anymore . Shaking my head,  wondering about this new you.

What’s going to happen to me .

I watched , yet I could not help you .

The new you has been sitting in the same spot for months now . What are you staring at ? Is it really so bad that you won’t let me back in to help you ?

Your crying is silent , not to be heard . The frustration and despair only I can see,has now become we.  I watch as you try to manage a simple conversation. Only you and I know that you are not listening , not because you don’t want too.. You can’t.

I watched , yet I could not help you .

The bills are unopened , the dishes are stacked up and the cupboards are empty.

I see you trying hard to remember what day it is, why bother you don’t care . Things that were important , have no meaning for you . There are no appointments in the place that have gone to hide .

I think that you might need some help.

Hello you, it’s always been there, these memories that were so deep. Come get on your feet and let it go. Brush it off as fast as you can, being stuck here in this hiding place is closing in on you. Get up,and let me back in.

I watched you , yet I could not help you .

Struggling with the aggression and resentment. We get together as best as we can. You realize that you have changed . And then the anger came.

Is that why you have turned so hard? Look in the mirror, who do you see?

I watched , yet I could not help you . The reflection looking back at you is me .

Italianeat , A better life

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Drinking Bipolar – Bipolar’s midlife smack down (1)

I want to thank you for all your have given me since we met. I have learned much from you and I will always be grateful for our time together. I am especially thankful for the example you gave me .

This has caused me to make several changes in my life and in my dealings with others. In the past, I have always fallen into a pattern that has been very unhealthy for me.
The pattern is that I try to help my friends to the best of my ability. At first, friends are grateful for my help. Then they grow to expect it. Then they get angry if it is not delivered in exactly the manner that they want, believing that what I had been doing as favors are now my obligations to them.

I feel that our friendship has fallen into that pattern. After thinking about our situation, I have decided that I would rather have no friends in my life than friends who cannot treat me with the respect and courtesy that I am due.
I cannot attract the relationships I want in my life if I always engage in friendships where I am not treated as I would wish. So I think it is for the best if we went our separate ways. This frees us both to spend time with others more congenial to us.

I must let you go on your way without me. I will go on my way without you — along a path where you cannot follow.
From today forward, I will only allow people onto my path who will respect who I am, honor my boundaries, give and take reciprocally, and cherish my love. My highest prayer is that I will act towards others respectfully, appropriately, and with love in all my relationships. So I sincerely wish you all the best.

I hope you find peace, happiness, love and joy on your path. But, if you do, it will be without me. I gave my word at our wedding to love, honor, and protect you. I did my best to honor my word. I would like to think that you did the best to honor yours. But I cannot live with you and give you what you want.

So I thank you for helping me to learn more about who I am and to know what my boundaries are. The past is done and I am not chained to my word. Out of respect and love for myself, I break the chains binding us and throw them down. This frees us both to become who we are.

Laugh even through your heartbreaks.

 

After being played, hurt, abused and insulted:
Love turns to anger and then indifference when we’re indifferent towards somebody that’s when their power over us is broken and we’re finally able to reject them when they come back, allowing us to leave them in the past (where they belong) and be able to move on.
Have faith in yourself you can move on from any situation, relationship or person that’s not serving your best interests in every way, shape or form.
So,
Move on to better things ahead… Go on do it. Trust that better things will find their way to you, forget about the rest!
It’s going to be hard saying goodbye to the laughter. You may have left him/her but don’t lose sight of yourself. You can be happy without them. True joy comes from feeling complete without an S.O.B. When you feel happy about yourself. When you look to yourself to fix the problems in your life. Not trying to find an S.O.B to fix you.
Anyway, that is what I’ve learned through my heartbreaks. This may not apply to your situation. But maybe it will ring true with someone. Smile and laugh even through your heartbreaks. Laughing and smiles automatically makes your mood better and relieves some stress. Being positive, talking and thinking about positive things in your life will make it much easier to move on.
It’s hard to let go of something that you thought was amazing. But if they loved you wouldn’t they have put in more effort?

An unsettling feeling

 

 

Like probably most of you, I’ve had a love-hate (fine, all-hate) relationship with exercise. Throughout the years I’ve tried aerobics classes, swimming, running, jogging, slogging, creeping, tripping, limping, stumbling. I’ve biked, hiked, rollerbladed, roller skated, break danced, ‘Sweated to the Oldies’…walked slowly while texting and/or guzzling iced capps topped with whipped cream.
No matter what program I try, I’ve never been able to stick with it for very long. Maybe because after 10 minutes of sweating, huffing and puffing I think to myself, “Dear God, why?! Why am I doing this? It’s pure torture! Oh god! I’m dying here! It hurts! Oh, how it hurts! My legs burn, my lungs are on fire, my heart’s gonna explode!…is this any way to spend my time when I could be sitting on a couch eating nachos? Oh, gawd, make it stop! Please make it stop!”
Once you start hitting midlife though, you notice a few things. Big things. People die. Friends, relatives, that guy in the obituaries that was the same age as you. When you hit forty this death thing starts to get real, in your face and up in your grill. An unsettling feeling begins to dawn on you as you look nervously around the room. You scratch your head and think, Hey, wait just a minute…. What on earth is happening here?! That won’t happen to me though. Death. Ha! Right? Right, God? Huh? Death? Fffft. Not me! Never me! Right?
….oh shit…
I looked up , I was alone
Shake it off , I could not
Another day yet the same
opening my eyes
the tears have dried ,
regret leave me alone,
let me live.
Drinking Bipolar

 

 

 

 

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