What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?



‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’




Deactivating Crazy






Let’s leave my crazy button alone today !!

Scraped knees and all … let’s crawl






A beautiful yet chaotic mind.


Some years you crawl and you swear you’ll never walk again.

Then suddenly you’re standing and swear, never, will I crawl again.


A kind heart has held darkness,  a brilliant mind has felt madness,

Leaving a beautiful soul in a state of emotional purgatory.


Stroking my aggression, in hopes that  I can roll my eyes

  and forget that it  happened again . 


How did we arrive here,  what is the rush ?

Scraped knees and all, I whispered let’s crawl ..

You’re lips are not listening


Your lips are magic, so full and inviting.
But why are they moving when should be listening?
Why don’t you hear me , I have something to say.
You’re getting comfortable, undoing your shirt , there’s no need for that .
And then I feel your breath so close to my face ,
I have turn away, before I walk away. No you’re not listening,
I can’t save this for another day .

I was a cliche: a bird with broken wings-forever caged.
I never took responsibility for this prison I had built for myself. I
instead I blamed others, the people who had hurt me so much that I had swore I’d never fly again.
I thought that I was trapped by the regrets and the loss I had suffered.
Numbing myself, trying not to look at myself
I closed my eyes to something I did not want to see, This will not define me .
Time passed-slowly.
And one day I woke up. There was no more pain, only a strange sense of relief and understanding.
My cage became a sanctuary as my grip on the past loosened. Time passed again, but I was not so lonely; it gave me a chance to learn about forgiveness.
I forgave those who had hurt me and I forgave myself.Suddenly the pain was gone.

Life became valuable again.
I bow my head, I release my sins . And this I say, Amen.
And then,
I was finally free to fly.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.



We all have those crazy, crappy moments. We’ve all been hurt, we’ve all tried to pick ourselves up from whatever dust we are in. And though we’ve experienced pain, in the end, we know it is for the better.

I’m not happy with all the crap I have had to endure, but I am beginning to acknowledge that I am stronger for it.  I’ve grown, changed, learned, fought, won, and loss.  I’ve been hurt, but never broken, beaten but never defeated and I know I will never give up.  I’ve gained the strength to carry my heart on my sleeve and learned how to put it’s pieces back together.  The past doesn’t hold me any longer I can now face any future with a level of determination I did not possess when I was younger.

I want people to see that there is a way out, in their own time, and in their own way. That the road rarely ends at one dark point. What keeps us going is hope.


To sum up, I suppose, I’ve learned that situations can make life seem very black and not worth living, but getting through those dark valleys proves that life will continue, for better or worse.  The struggles and obstacles that seemed insurmountable and unacceptable before have been gotten through and are now behind me.  

I do hate my dark past, but the funny thing of it is… I am also grateful for it too. I couldn’t have been as strong, as I am now, without it.




Not Bipolar Anymore ?


I am my own midlife crisis

It sucks
I am not alone
I talk a lot

I overdo everything, eating, sharing, drinking , there I said it. Need I say more, you get the idea.
Depression strikes often ,a song can drive me to call the nearest hotline.

I am bipolar
Somedays, I think I am not bipolar, these days I am manic, maybe not.
I anger too easily.
I hate being alone
I am alone
I enjoy being alone
I still procrastinate on everything including this post as it was once abandoned,
until Tomorrow?
I suck at commitments
I hate being sober, it causes pain
I love being sober,I get honest
Regrets, Yes
Relapse. Not

What am I doing?

I forgot that I am not bipolar anymore


Cracks In My Wall

Cracks In My Wall

I don’t make it easy to get to know me.
I am complicated, not because I want to be, but because of the situations I have been put in.

I have always built walls around myself to hide who I am, and only those willing to take chunks out of it have a chance to see what’s inside.

I am trying to be more open with people, but it is hard when you’ve always kept people at arms length. I wish that I could bring that inner child’s outgoing extroverted personality back. I know it’s still in me I just can’t seem to bring it to the surface. I am a work in progress and right now progress is slow.

I don’t necessarily want to be an open book, but I would certainly prefer that to being an unbreakable safe.

These days people have this whole spiel memorized to give as an introduction. They teach it to you in one of those “How To Successfully Meet New People Who Will Think You’re The Shit books. it’s ridiculous.

I’ll never tell you everything. Some of my life is just too painful no matter how well you think you know me, I guarantee you don’t.

My smile hides everything that hurts. Do you truly see who I am, cause I can’t. I am far from who I used to be.

I can be very complex at times.

I do not follow the normal path.
I do not follow the rules.
I am healing .

About Bipolar

Rethinking Drinking

High Functioning

Drinking Diaries

substance abuse and bipolar disorder

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis