Deactivating Crazy

 

 

 

 

Let’s leave my crazy button alone today !!

Really? Back to Timeout

I couldn’t sleep last night . Finally around 3 am I took 2 sleeping pills.   I really needed to have more than 4 hours of sleep.   

My body is weak from not eating, I had to break down and eat something . It wasn’t much but it was something.

Now back to procrastinating today’s events.  

Smoking a cigarette and checking my email. I am jolted wide awake . My ex will be here at 12:30.  Shit , I have to get dressed and tidy up.

Can’t have anyone thinking I have lost it, can I ?  That’s the thing with isolation, it makes you lazy as fuck

.  

Needing more veggies and celery I have finally picked myself up and went shopping .  The weather is nice, the sun feels good on my face.   I decide to head towards the bookstore and get a motivational book by my favorite author.  While I am out I noticed that my vision is blurred, my legs have no strength and my overall condition is not good.   Since I am obsessing over my weight and not eating, I am getting no real exercise.   I make yet another promise, I will walk everyday for 45 mins.    

I will not drink today as I have slipped for the past few days .

Another secret .

I have begun to clean up this mess that surrounds me  and that means the bathroom.   Don’t get me wrong , I am not a dirty person, but during this time I am not really that focus on my household chores, instead I am stuck at the computer writing all day.   I bought all the cleaning supplies needed yet I have not made it there yet.   

I did not buy alcohol.

Note to self: Find the stepper and give your blood circulating as well as a bit of exercise.

I was just surprised when someone from a publishing company called me , my first question.   How much ?    And how do you know I am writing , feeling a bit paranoid I ask them to call back.   I need to google this.   I am not a writer except for my blog .   My blog introduced me to putting my feelings of depression , bipolar which I still have doubts about and my struggles of addiction in on paper.

Are you fucking kidding me.   I come out of my bitch cave by going online on Facebook answering emails and  even began chatting on Skype.

I have cleaned the damn bathroom ,  painted my nails, plucked the brows ( I wonder how they look since I can’t see shit ) and dyed my hair.  Leaving it into long as I was yet again procrastinating .

All of a sudden the phone is going mad crazy “ ding, ding, ding “ with notifications .   Normally I do not really pay that much attention.   But this was getting insane..   Screaming in my head.  ” What the fuck do you want” ?   I took a look and one of my email accounts have been hacked .

I am still getting emails from people asking me why am I sending them info concerning  viagra or invitations to a gay site for men. The  screaming voicemails from my ex’s made it clear that I needed to handle this.

I am slowly edging my way back into time out.   

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Not Bipolar Anymore ?

I am my own midlife crisis

It sucks
I am not alone
I talk a lot

I overdo everything, eating, sharing, drinking , there I said it. Need I say more, you get the idea.
Depression strikes often ,a song can drive me to call the nearest hotline.

I am bipolar
Somedays, I think I am not bipolar, these days I am manic, maybe not.
I anger too easily.
I hate being alone
I am alone
I enjoy being alone
I still procrastinate on everything including this post as it was once abandoned,
until Tomorrow?
I suck at commitments
I hate being sober, it causes pain
I love being sober,I get honest
Regrets, Yes
Relapse. Not

What am I doing?

I forgot that I am not bipolar anymore
?

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SURVIVING IS IMPORTANT, THRIVING IS ELEGANT . M. ANGELOW

Good morning everyone.

I’m up bright and early with a cool breeze running through my house for that I am grateful today. It has been so hot lately that I am sure I have sweated out at least 3 kilo-.
Okay that’s my story and I’m going to stick to. Actually I’ve been doing a lot of swimming I’m taking time to do a lot of thinking.
Thinking about where I’m going and if I’m actually ready to take a chance to just go out there and fulfill my dreams.

At this point I wouldn’t say my dreams.
But I’m just ready to go out and find my own way. Yes, I said this before just recently and today I woke up and the thought of it kinda scared me.

I asked myself where is that girl who wasn’t afraid to take chances to fail and get back up to seek for new beginnings. I can tell you that girl was about 15 years ago, suddenly the urge has just hit me again. Why am I living a life today that I do not like, and settling for less.
This must change.
About a week ago, something in my character just seem to come alive.
Then I realized the only person holding me back was myself.

Maybe I’m just too cozy where I have fallen into a habit of just settling and letting go of my dreams. After meeting up with some new friends and some old friends I just sat there listening to them go on about their lives.
I was thinking to myself what happened to you. When did you just stop living for yourself ,when did I become so afraid to get out there and have fun again. If I don’t like where I live change it and that is what I’m going to do. The thought scares me. Excitement, is running through my veins after all I’m not 20 years old anymore I’m not just going to sleep on anybody’s couch.

And then walked in opportunity!

Of course I listened as I always do, normally it goes in one ear and out the other. That’s just me. I lost confidence and self esteem in myself somewhere along the way.

I had to change that! I had to start immediately! Now I’m also not foolish. I’m not going to just jumped into anything, knowing myself the way I do I would end up in some country with no internet no indoor plumbing living off leaves and I’m not talking Columbia folks. So for right now I think it is important how to write down the pros and cons. Yes I have been offered something new but there’s something telling me slow down.

I cannot put into words how different I have become I was the wild child, I was spontaneous, I was not afraid to take chances. However, this behavior lead me into the darkness. The darkness of insanity which comes with too much partying. By partying I mean everything and everything lasted for years, leaving me in a world of regret.
I lost a lot but when you numb yourself for as long as I did it just becomes normal. Forget about the dreams that you once had, replacing them with any substance that allows you to remain numb.

That was then , this is now :
The past 2 weeks I have stepped up my game and started taking very good care of myself. The years of just settling have left me feeling just a little bit self conscious. That could be because I stop taking care of myself, I gained weight and I did not even think about eating healthy. Suddenly I am walking everyday once even with this plastic sweat suit ( almost had a stroke, not a good idea ), by that I mean a good hour a steady pace, swimming every other day and living the life of a damn rabbit as I can not find any yummy stuff here, if only for the taste mmm. I have made veggies and more veggies the Trisha way. A little of this and a sprinkle of that . By the end of the day I am so tired and worn out the only treat that I can think of having is a hot water bottle and hoping something is good on the TLC channel …
The point of all of this is before I can move on I need to be healthy. Because I’m going to need all the strength that I can get.
The sad thing is letting go of people share my world with. Even though I wasn’t myself and no real support came out of these relationships I am sentimental and I feel a great loss. I can say this about my last relationship, at times I just want to pick up the phone send a message go on Skype ( pretty sure that is blocked ) or just send an email. That is the hard part for me. Being sentimental, I can remember everything and sometimes everything does not include the bad things. The anger, terrifying fear of loss which is translated into I don’t want to be alone!
But the days go by, I get stronger, I see someone in the mirror. I see me!

I’m not going to talk about what I’m going to do where I’m going to go, as I’m a little bit older now. I am taking the time to really think things through. So instead of making a commitment I am just going to go and spend a week to see if this is the direction that I want to take. If not, then I haven’t lost anything. And hopefully made friends along the way.
Oh yeah people, there is a plan B. Regardless I am ready now to make changes. I am Not Afraid!
And then again, maybe this is where I’m supposed to be. But I won’t know that until I try.

After reading this a touch of anxiety sneaks up on me. So I better get dressed and hit the door I’m off to a friend’s place, just so happens it is on the beach.. So where is the damn heat wave now?

 www.brokenopenscars.com

Maya Angelou Quotes

About Me 

 Change Your Life – A Life Less Bullshit

Feeling Stuck?

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Twisted, in rather an aggressive tone

So much for dealing with life on life’s terms. Earlier in the week, I felt good with the way that I am handling all the pressure and stress that comes along in this crazy business called life , you know being an adult .

There was a time when opening the mail was my biggest fear. I had to be numb just right, not too much and certainly not less. It was a real phobia for me.

Considering my mail is in dutch, I do understand most dutch when other people are speaking ( I haven’t managed the art of speaking fluent dutch, and because everyone speaks English I have not put so much effort into it. Not that I don’t want too. hell speaking English my mother tongue and have the time that can be a struggle depending on my mood and how fast I am talking.) So back to the post mail, it can throw me into a cycle of panic or unnecessary depression . I thought that this was a thing of the past.

And then the Belasting ( Tax office ) , dutch mafia , whatever they call themselves had to put me on notice.

Like , WTF and I going to be sleeping with the fishes? I went from panic, to anger . This anger made me twisted as if I was suddenly a character in the “Sopranos”. And I am not talking about that wimpy chick either . My whole demeanor changed within seconds .
I was not to be messed with in any shape or form . I was like some biker mama bending over backwards for a good spanking (no offense intended to all the ole ladies out there ) .

No, I have not fallen off the freedom wagen just yet . This is what was going through my head . Of course I am stubborn and while I may have come up for air and breathed in reality, again.
Sort of.

I am replacing the whining and depression of yesteryear with pure aggression, which leads me into isolation . I know myself , and I know that I can flip the script real fast , pulling no punches and being unreasonable. All while hurting the ones close to me.

Isolation? Call it whatever you want. I know isolation. It suddenly occurred to me that I simply need some space to take it all in. I took a walk this morning and did my normal self talk, except with me it can be mistaken as some idiot talking loudly to myself in rather an aggressive tone .

Calming the Beast, Demon, or just me yelling at the belasting mafia and any other Tax office for making me miserable.

Upon getting home , I thought maybe you should write out the anger , aggression and depressing stuff out.

Hello.

I have a blog for this . I am not alone with my frustration nor am I going to be led away in handcuffs or better yet with those kind lovely people with whom all share the same smile pasted upon their faces, come on people, keep up! The White Wagen !!

I began this post writing blind, but as I have let it all out, one word pops up.

ACCEPTANCE .

( I may need a few more hours to face the world and make peace with the mailbox again)

My website – www.brokenopenscars.com

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