My soul doesn’t linger anymore
My faith, passionate than ever
My heart, I’ve found inner peace
Releases my then only friends
That was back then.
How will I ever forget them?
They are part of me but I found the way home
Thank you, I wasn’t alone.
Searching and discovering is what I used to be
One moment, I got it
A whole new me
‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’
‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’
‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’
‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’
‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’
‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’
‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’
‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’
‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’
‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’
Damaging, maybe .These are some thoughts that come to mind. I am very upfront and will almost always lay down the rules right from the start. Sometimes people tend to be so caught up in the moment , they shake thier greedy heads and dive in head first. So it’s comes as no surprise when suddenly the bottom has smacked them with a dose stupidity.
It wasn’t long before the chemistry I felt for him was sizzling, he was everything a man should be, a great listener, strong, charismatic, handsome, powerful, gentle, wise, empathetic, a leader.
My life had been cruel and had multiple layers of deep psychological problems, and of course, was extremely passive aggression. Shame and regret invaded my soul, leaving emotionally crippled.
Does it ever stop? Does the crap ever stop? Does it ever get to the point where everything in your life is going great at the same time for any length of time? Does there ever come a day, when the warm sunny days come more frequently and last longer than the blistering cold nights?
I once thought that if I had the man my dreams and the love of my life all will be well. Wrong! I also thought that if I had the money, not a lot of money, just enough to pay the bills on time and have a little bit of change left over, things would be great. Nope!
Now, out after overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles, weathering devastating disasters, moving through mind-boggling challenges, I was ready.
As a lay in the the grass, watching my friends thousand dollar dog poop on the carpet, I finally got it! Life is about cleaning up the crap and, while you’re doing it, being okay with the fact that you have to do it. Life is about being willing to take your naked body, your most vulnerable self, out of the warm water where you are comfortable and clean up the crap without getting angry and losing your self in the process.
A word of caution. You can’t get caught up in the crap! If you do, you will surely lose sight of the real meaning of life and lose yourself as I have done. I finally understood I could not get caught up in what looks like, smells like, or how much of the crap is in front of me. There were days when I would leave the little things in my life undone, or half done, in fear of making someone mad at me, in fear of losing their love. Sometimes just to make myself look more tougher than I really was? There were times when I would sulk and cry about what I thought someone was doing or had done to me, believing that I was totally powerless to do anything about it. In many ways, I allowed myself to duck and dodge unpleasant situations in my life to avoid confrontation. I finally wanted to be the good girl, not the street girl, the biker chick, not scandalous. This, however was not one of those days, time, or ways.
I was choosing not to live like that any longer. I had spent enough days reflecting on this,in other peoples bathtubs to know that if you leave even a little bit of crap laying around in your life, eventually it will start to smell really, really bad. There are things in my life and about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am now. I have to figure out how to read my life of the nagging little struggles, bits and bouts of confusion, an unexpected chaos that continue to crop up.
It was time to tell the truth-again.
I close my eyes and listen to myself, (Candi that’s what I was called back then ) she was raging again , she was angry and she wanted me to know it. And she was a part of me that simply refuse to change, refused to grow. She was the part of me in need of healing. The part where all my fears and character flaws were hidden. This is not about having a split personality or anything like that. It was about history. Candi had a history and I was creating my own. Candi had a history of pain abuse and neglect. She had a history of doing things in a certain way, with certain expectations, based on those painful and abusive experiences. Her history and those experiences often allowed her to neglect herself in pursuit of the approval and acceptance of others. She had a history of putting off the unpleasant, waiting until the last minute to do important things, and doing whatever it took to numb the pain. I understood Candi’s history and behavior. But I also understand that I have the power to change I have the right to live in peace. Starting with transforming my way of thinking and being, and to become a productive member of humanity. Candy and I had to become one.
This is part one of the journey .