What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?



‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’




Deactivating Crazy






Let’s leave my crazy button alone today !!

Scraped knees and all … let’s crawl






A beautiful yet chaotic mind.


Some years you crawl and you swear you’ll never walk again.

Then suddenly you’re standing and swear, never, will I crawl again.


A kind heart has held darkness,  a brilliant mind has felt madness,

Leaving a beautiful soul in a state of emotional purgatory.


Stroking my aggression, in hopes that  I can roll my eyes

  and forget that it  happened again . 


How did we arrive here,  what is the rush ?

Scraped knees and all, I whispered let’s crawl ..

Secrets to live by. The 48-hour rule.


Secrets to live by. The 48-hour rule.

I ask myself, “If I had 48 hours left to live , what would I do ? “

It makes you push aside anything that’s not truly important and focus on the things you love and make you happy! I would chose love and happiness over fun and a good night out .

It would take a special man.

A man that just “gets me” accepting my flaws and scars alike . I still have baggage that I’ve been working on leaving. I am not fragile living with shame and regret, drinking myself to the bottom of a bottle. Addicted to a kind of burning pain that leaves you mentally wounded . Trying to avoid the thinking,  highly medicated, and drinking.

Accept me as I am, or watch me as I step in these heels and wiggle my ass out the door.

Broken I am not.

A chaotic imperfect hot mess, definitely!

Inhaling the essence of a passionate soul lost long ago.
Gone is the prison and it’s heavy chains, replaced by walls of boundaries, that will not be crossed.

Settling is not an option.

This was the conversation last night  

I have never really gotten into the online dating thing . I am an addict, I have emotional scars , Behind the smile , there are still moments of great shame and regret.  I understand that I can not undo the past, I now put effort into letting  go.  I assume this will be a on going process.

So there it is .. After waiting a few minutes , I was not surprised when the real person showed up. As the conversation went south,  It took no time for me and my new high heels to wiggle my ass out of there .

As i was looking for a taxi , I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen in many years . Bottom line is the night wasn’t wasted.

Yet, I couldn’t  help but  wonder, what was this guy doing while I was sitting there having the all important first date conversation ? As I recall he played with hair quite a bit, and was playing his clothes every 5 secs..

Lets’ just call it a day and  image that somewhere in there was a woman dying to come out and bitch slap him back to the 80’s . .

Apparently, ” I’m a woman” and and I have “feelings” and those” feelings” are activated through my vagina.

How should I process that shit ? I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

When a woman says “don’t make me go there”, wait 2 mins and she’s there .   I don’t negotiate .


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That would be me


“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthdaytumblr_mnspy3zJou1sop9rfo1_500

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

Motormouth Rambles


Just for a second I slipped on my ass and tumble downward into a clockwork orange.
With memories deleted we forgot each others name. The day everything changed,
Mindfully disassociating becomes comfortable almost addicting . Intervention for one ,
re-invention for two.

The place is kind of a mess and I’m not gonna pick it up.
It don’t matter my hair’s a mess cause you’re not gonna
fix it up. I would if could ,just get on with it. But I’m comfortable now .I will take a breath
outside, a stranger place I couldn’t find and no one knows who I am
and you can’t say my name. Can’t think of anything else worse ’cause if I
didn’t fuck it up, you would. Why can’t you just do something right. Just
once change my mind. Cause if you can I’d be the one. You know I am but
you’re so blind, you always were I didn’t catch your name.

So I think I’ll re-invent you, and give you a name

First I would get a firm grip on your neck, pull your head out of your ass, and place it firmly back on your shoulders.
I would then glue your feet to the floor so that you remain upright and firmly grounded.
This would also present me with the perfect opportunity to sprinkle magic dust all over you body, say an “abrakadabra” and BOOM! Instantly de-asshole-ify you.
There you’d be, fixed and ready for the world.




Just a hot mess

I am not perfect, I know that very well, but that is OK. I embrace my perfect imperfectness because if I do not, no one will.

I am sensitive and struggle with insecurities due to the choices I have made along the way. Learned to hate myself, to my very core before I knew how to love who I am.
I was destroyed by others, left a shell, all because of the cover on my book. I was and still am defined by my cover, but to be measured by the content of my character would be divine.

I am…. I am not perfect, but unique and strong and resilient and better I will become.. I am a mother, a daughter, I am a best friend but also a worst enemy. I am romantic, tender and sentimental, but also passionate, seductive and erotic. I am reserved and shy, but can become bold and determined. I am guarded and private, but can become an open book with the right person.

I wear my heart on my sleeve as it tends to rule my life…. those I love, I love ‘til death and I love deeply whether they ask for it or not. I am un-judging, tolerant and accepting, and can become quite stubborn because of that. I am down to earth, quite grounded indeed but my mind wanders through the clouds for I am creative and wild. I am sensitive, this multi meaning of words, sensitive towards self, sensitive to others (human or animal) and sensitive to the unseen. I take things to heart, but I am not easily offended, except by blatant personal attacks which is where the line gets drawn.

Life is an adventure filled with risks. Life should not be filled with regrets. I can tell you that while I have lots of work to do on myself to improve, I would never strive to be perfect. I will always be able to improve on who I am, but to be quite honest, there is no one else I’d rather be!

Before you judge a book by its cover, sit your ass down and open the book
PERFECTLY CIVILIZED ( a look back in time)

Drinking Bipolar

Lemons and midlife