What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?



‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’




Deactivating Crazy






Let’s leave my crazy button alone today !!

Scraped knees and all … let’s crawl






A beautiful yet chaotic mind.


Some years you crawl and you swear you’ll never walk again.

Then suddenly you’re standing and swear, never, will I crawl again.


A kind heart has held darkness,  a brilliant mind has felt madness,

Leaving a beautiful soul in a state of emotional purgatory.


Stroking my aggression, in hopes that  I can roll my eyes

  and forget that it  happened again . 


How did we arrive here,  what is the rush ?

Scraped knees and all, I whispered let’s crawl ..

Attitude Reloaded:



Attitude Reloaded:

A manic mind hears the sun is too loud

I’m not lazy… I’m selectively productive! Therefore I am proud to say that all my bitching and whining must have had a positive effect . I am cleaning out my house as if I were cleaning out the baggage in my mind.

I must admit, I was just a bit worried that I was now hoarding.

I cannot pass up  a sale, and don’t get me started on the dollar stores.

Why are they called dollar stores?  

Because if you think that you are going in and coming out with a shitload of “feelgoods” for a dollar, think again.

Those “feelgoods” feelings are replaced  Lickety Split.

Your face is all twisted wondering what happened .

Trying to buy a cheeseburger for all of one cent!

An addict in everything I do, replacing one addiction for something new .

Today’s Load:

2 boxes of my great hash brownie business stuff . ( Bipolar Betty Crocker moment )!

Ah the freezer. Found the hiding Hash Brownies . Trash bound!

19 pairs of gloves

12 old dried out tubes of mascara’s

3 garbage bags of paid bills  **** It’s all digital now            

Betty Crocker logo used until 2003

Betty Crocker logo used until 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1 bag of Tupperware – no tops, or bottoms

Minnie Mouse wallet. Really?

WTF, I don’t have a glue.

Clearly, I still have issues.

Uh, am I rhyming now ?


‘Manic’ Thinking Makes Us Happy, Energized And Self-confident

Manic thinking: independent effects of thought speed and thought …

ADHD and Clutter: Is It Organized Chaos or Just a Mess?

Recovering From an Addiction to Chaos

Nurse Ratched, I’m Also Bipolar And Off My Meds Today !


I can’t begin to tell you how bad it hurts.  

One moment I am in a dead sleep and the next I was in hell.   Not again I thought.  Just breath. Trying to remember the breathing techniques I had learned during my stay at rehab.

Panic sets in and I am not breathing.  I can not calm myself down enough to breath in breath out. I am screaming by now.

I have had what I call a ‘Charlie Horse’ in my calves many times over the years. But this was no ‘Charlie Horse’, this was in my upper thigh and it was traveling or so I believed .

Thankfully, I have told the little old Turkish man next door that if he heard me screaming please jump his ass over here .  I knew that it was around the time that he gets up for work.

I have lived next to this man for the past 8 years. and can count on one hand how many times I have actually spoke with him.

Of course this was when I could handle being a weekend tweaker and alcoholic . Anyone that has been there before, knows that this time is short lived.

The pain started to ease up but the effects of the cramp hurt badly. He took no time getting me to the local hospital. With his job done, off to work he went.

Of course by now they had looked up my medical history . When I walked in or rather hopped in, I was greeted with respect and empathy which calmed me down .   The nurse was hovering over me , holding my hand , she was in the caring “professional” mode.

A short time later this same caring professional approached me. The smile was replaced with a judgmental and stern grumpy voice.

I was told they knew that I have had drug problems and warned me that they were going to take a drug test. She said this as if I was going to suddenly raise my hands and confess.

I was about two seconds away from drop kicking her ass. If only I could stop writhing in pain.

I am not an idiot, and besides I couldn’t do much since I could barely move. Knowing that I needed the pain to stop! The bitch had me at her mercy.

Being hooked up to an IV , I am treated and sleep with one eye open. This morning another echo shows that I can take oral meds at home.   

All too happy to receive my prescription , I high tailed it outta there.

Thinking to myself as I leave, I am going to change hospitals.   

But what’s the point my records will follow me wherever I go.

Another reminder that I am and will always be an addict.

Note to self: Thank the man next door and for God sakes remember his name .

Chief Charlie Horse
Chief Charlie Horse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Muscle Cramps, Charley Horse, and Muscle Spasms: Causes  

How To Avoid Being Seen As A Drug-Seeker (if you have chronic …

Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking . Timeout ?

wicked calm

The smoke is flying out as I sit here . I have decided that it is time to handle my business.

That starts with airing the place out and giving it a good scrub. So far I have smoked two cigarettes today. It’s still early but the intentions are there.

I am having a hard time moving around. Last night I shot up from a deep sleep with the worst pain in what seems to be the vein on the inside of my thigh.
This happened last week. Now I am sitting with my legs stacked so high that I can hardly see the computer screen.

Yes, I am paranoid !!

A few things happened today that almost made me really just go Ape Shit Bipolar.

The internet which is hooked to my TV, Phone and Computer went out. I panicked after all it would mean the death of my life line . I turned it off , waited. Nothing!!

While taking a moment to calm down , it came back on. At this point I tossed the pills back in the closet .
Then it happened again.
So thinking that it would be a good idea to plug into someone else’s internet ( don’t even go there if you don’t agree “jammer” that is dutch for “too bad” ) !

Before I finished pondering this , magic happened and it came on and stay on.
That cost me two cigarettes.

Finding things to keep busy and noticing that I am hoarding. I have make up from the 80’s , like the mascara is still good. And what is up with all the pastel eyeshadow? While the energy goddess has decided to grace me today, I have the great idea to just throw out the Olivia Newton shit 

Being disable from my monster leg pain last night I head towards the bathroom.
Ouch, ouch, ouch !

The light is out .Double Damn, I hop back, ouch ouch ouch, only to find it’s not the light bulb.

Now I have big decisions to make here , am I going outside down the three flights of stairs to check the breaker . I had to sit and think about this, and out comes a cigarette as if I am going to get super powers from that . ( Oh yeah, I will regret this.. it’s the coming back up )

After procrastinating for a while, I hop downstairs . Not even thinking about how difficult it will be to get back up.

Stubbed my toe.. lots of F*** this and F*** that.

Still it’s not working .

Great ! It only took me two weeks to clean the bathroom and now I get the feeling that it will be in need of a good bleach down by the time I get this fixed .

Bottom line is I started the day on a positive note, all intentions of making “ timeout “ a distance memory .

Being the addictive kind, it just keeps pulling me back in.

What’s left to say except I need a cigarette.

In closing here I sit here Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking .

Maybe Honey Boo Boo is on .




Soda becomes beer. Bikes become cars. Imagination fades and incomes lack of ambition.

Remember when Mom yelled out “ dinner’s ready “, washing up was the last thing on your mind . Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on Earth and was your hero?


Race issues were only about who ran the fastest, and War was only a card game. Waiting for the best part of the day and screaming your head off as if your life depended on it, “ the ice-cream truck is coming !“, and whoever tossed the quarter out was the day’s hero, whether it be mom, dad or the old lady next door.


Those summer days when you could count on grabbing a quick bowl of cereal, throwing on your play clothes. God forbid the school clothes or church clothes. Just a pair of shorts and a top, running out the house kissing my goodbye with promises of checking in. Your mission was waiting for your friends to join you.


On our planet at the time , no talk of parents fighting, separation of families, no understanding of the alcoholic parent or who has the best cell phone, what the hell was a IPhone? If it wasn’t the latest toy that could measure up to my Big Wheel, Baby Alive Doll or the latest G.I Joe Doll from the kid down the street, tagging along with him was his thumb sucking brother blanket in tow.
Building forts, playing school ( why we did this I still can’t understand, but it was the game I enjoyed most).


None of us knew about Addiction, the pain that follows Love and it’s up’s and down’s. Being a single parent and it’s struggles. Most of us hadn’t even learned about sex, and those of us that had even a hint of what it was thought it was ukkie, nasty, plain gross.


Mental disorders such as bipolar, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or Addiction etc… really meant crazy, people we never saw. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knee, and goodbyes only meant till tomorrow?


And we couldn’t wait to grow up…