Tag Archives: Substance dependence

I watched , yet I could not help you .

Posted by Miss Crabby Ass on

2014-03-01 20.27.04

Why are you so angry ?

Since that day when it all happened , you have changed. I was there that day too. I watched as you , I felt your pain yet I could not help you I saw all the people , the ones that have made you who you are fell to pieces .

The strong one , the bad chick, the victim, the educated one, the drug addict, the alcoholic, the co-dependent, the 16 yr girl who appears all too often, the compassionate one, the relapse queen who seems to be addicted to her pain.

I watched , yet I could not help you .

What had happened ? Why are you on the floor?

One day turned into two days, and into months .

I could see that were not yourself and in need of help. Hello “new you” , no reply! She doesn’t listen anymore . Shaking my head,  wondering about this new you.

What’s going to happen to me .

I watched , yet I could not help you .

The new you has been sitting in the same spot for months now . What are you staring at ? Is it really so bad that you won’t let me back in to help you ?

Your crying is silent , not to be heard . The frustration and despair only I can see,has now become we.  I watch as you try to manage a simple conversation. Only you and I know that you are not listening , not because you don’t want too.. You can’t.

I watched , yet I could not help you .

The bills are unopened , the dishes are stacked up and the cupboards are empty.

I see you trying hard to remember what day it is, why bother you don’t care . Things that were important , have no meaning for you . There are no appointments in the place that have gone to hide .

I think that you might need some help.

Hello you, it’s always been there, these memories that were so deep. Come get on your feet and let it go. Brush it off as fast as you can, being stuck here in this hiding place is closing in on you. Get up,and let me back in.

I watched you , yet I could not help you .

Struggling with the aggression and resentment. We get together as best as we can. You realize that you have changed . And then the anger came.

Is that why you have turned so hard? Look in the mirror, who do you see?

I watched , yet I could not help you . The reflection looking back at you is me .

italianeat66

Italianeat , A better life

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deep unmedicated and unsupervised

Posted by Miss Crabby Ass on

 

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And it goes like this

 This is the true story

Or it could be fiction, the kind of fiction that could only be true.

A lot has been said about me, and you can bet your ass people will always start off with the bad stuff.You’re going to hear about that later. But for now I’m on the right side of being wrong. I’m just going to tell it the best way I know how. It so happens I’m talking about bad timing. either I’m always late or later.

If I didn’t answer  I’m not coming.

In this case I should’ve been there two weeks earlier. Okay let’s get to the point it’s about a man, boundaries, lust ( that too) and it’s aftermath .

Or maybe I was just so fucked up at that time everything would have been a risk. I was broken , I was damaged and self esteem was a distant memory.
I’m also one of those kick ass chicks that your mother warned you about.
I’m a drug addict, I ran with the big boys , either on the back of a Harley yep that’s me one of the old ladies. And make no mistake it had its perks.

But this isn’t about my addiction and my ongoing struggles with recovery.
It took some time, I’ve seen the inside of rehab clinics in many different states and countries. I’m happy to say that I’m a recovering drug addict when I am not relapsing . There’s a lot of recovery when relapse is always just around the corner. And you guessed it I’m always on the corner of relapse.  However, lately I wanted to understand why I hurt so bad, I’m damaged and damned pissed off about it.I became very serious and wanting to know what caused all this damaged. You guessed it dysfunctional right from the start. This story is about a lust, passion , desire. and sex.

I can say without a doubt the flying monkey’s have been unleashed .

2014-03-01 20.38.00

 

 

                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                      

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The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

Posted by Miss Crabby Ass on

 

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We all have those crazy, crappy moments. We’ve all been hurt, we’ve all tried to pick ourselves up from whatever dust we are in. And though we’ve experienced pain, in the end, we know it is for the better.

I’m not happy with all the crap I have had to endure, but I am beginning to acknowledge that I am stronger for it.  I’ve grown, changed, learned, fought, won, and loss.  I’ve been hurt, but never broken, beaten but never defeated and I know I will never give up.  I’ve gained the strength to carry my heart on my sleeve and learned how to put it’s pieces back together.  The past doesn’t hold me any longer I can now face any future with a level of determination I did not possess when I was younger.

I want people to see that there is a way out, in their own time, and in their own way. That the road rarely ends at one dark point. What keeps us going is hope.

 

To sum up, I suppose, I’ve learned that situations can make life seem very black and not worth living, but getting through those dark valleys proves that life will continue, for better or worse.  The struggles and obstacles that seemed insurmountable and unacceptable before have been gotten through and are now behind me.  

I do hate my dark past, but the funny thing of it is… I am also grateful for it too. I couldn’t have been as strong, as I am now, without it.

 

 

 

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