What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?



‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’




Deactivating Crazy






Let’s leave my crazy button alone today !!

That would be me


“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthdaytumblr_mnspy3zJou1sop9rfo1_500

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.



We all have those crazy, crappy moments. We’ve all been hurt, we’ve all tried to pick ourselves up from whatever dust we are in. And though we’ve experienced pain, in the end, we know it is for the better.

I’m not happy with all the crap I have had to endure, but I am beginning to acknowledge that I am stronger for it.  I’ve grown, changed, learned, fought, won, and loss.  I’ve been hurt, but never broken, beaten but never defeated and I know I will never give up.  I’ve gained the strength to carry my heart on my sleeve and learned how to put it’s pieces back together.  The past doesn’t hold me any longer I can now face any future with a level of determination I did not possess when I was younger.

I want people to see that there is a way out, in their own time, and in their own way. That the road rarely ends at one dark point. What keeps us going is hope.


To sum up, I suppose, I’ve learned that situations can make life seem very black and not worth living, but getting through those dark valleys proves that life will continue, for better or worse.  The struggles and obstacles that seemed insurmountable and unacceptable before have been gotten through and are now behind me.  

I do hate my dark past, but the funny thing of it is… I am also grateful for it too. I couldn’t have been as strong, as I am now, without it.




A dysfunctional family knows the cardinal rules




The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.


The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.


The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.


The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.


The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.


The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.


The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who “love” you.


The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant


The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.


The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect



I found these 10 commandments of a dysfunctional family as I was surfing the internet ( sorry but I lost the page ).
I have been on a mission to understand myself and my bad choices , which now affect my loved ones.
By no means do I shift the blame anywhere but on myself. For me it’s kind of like what I have heard Oprah say
so often, ” When you know better you do better “.


In my opinion acceptance is not so easy . It’s damn hard to “accept the things that you cannot change “.
It takes effort, commitment, and faith something that an addict lacks. Speaking only for myself once I was able to
accept myself and situation , I wanted to understand it .



” If I can be an example of being sober , I can be an example of starting over ” Macklemore




Attitude Reloaded:



Attitude Reloaded:

A manic mind hears the sun is too loud

I’m not lazy… I’m selectively productive! Therefore I am proud to say that all my bitching and whining must have had a positive effect . I am cleaning out my house as if I were cleaning out the baggage in my mind.

I must admit, I was just a bit worried that I was now hoarding.

I cannot pass up  a sale, and don’t get me started on the dollar stores.

Why are they called dollar stores?  

Because if you think that you are going in and coming out with a shitload of “feelgoods” for a dollar, think again.

Those “feelgoods” feelings are replaced  Lickety Split.

Your face is all twisted wondering what happened .

Trying to buy a cheeseburger for all of one cent!

An addict in everything I do, replacing one addiction for something new .

Today’s Load:

2 boxes of my great hash brownie business stuff . ( Bipolar Betty Crocker moment )!

Ah the freezer. Found the hiding Hash Brownies . Trash bound!

19 pairs of gloves

12 old dried out tubes of mascara’s

3 garbage bags of paid bills  **** It’s all digital now            

Betty Crocker logo used until 2003

Betty Crocker logo used until 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1 bag of Tupperware – no tops, or bottoms

Minnie Mouse wallet. Really?

WTF, I don’t have a glue.

Clearly, I still have issues.

Uh, am I rhyming now ?


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Stinking Thinking almost got me . Oh yes it did !


Macklemore decodes his verses on “Neon Cathedral”, explaining how the themes of faith and alcoholism inspired the song off his debut album with Ryan Lewis, “The Heist.

“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory” unknown

 Inspired  during the struggle.

Last night was a tough one.  Being bored, I flirted with the idea of drinking a bit. I swear I couldn’t shake the feeling. This went on for hours . Thankfully, I had nothing in the house but that didn’t stop my mind from the craving that I was feeling . I pulled up the online delivery service maybe 10 times . I would order some little thing like a side of fries and bottle of vodka.  Always closing the order and giving myself another hour. While I was doing this, I was also searching YouTube for something or other and came across this video. As I sat listening , I cried. I really cried, you know the “ugly face cry”.

All I could think of is , when is this battle going to end.

I took a deep breath and said out loud, It’s Not !

With that I logged off and went to sleep.

Thankfully, I survived .

Waking up to a brand new day , I take a minute and bow my head to give Thanks .


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