What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?

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‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’

 

https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/anxiety-depression-and-cbt/1/steps/64870

You’re lips are not listening

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Your lips are magic, so full and inviting.
But why are they moving when should be listening?
Why don’t you hear me , I have something to say.
You’re getting comfortable, undoing your shirt , there’s no need for that .
And then I feel your breath so close to my face ,
I have turn away, before I walk away. No you’re not listening,
I can’t save this for another day .

I was a cliche: a bird with broken wings-forever caged.
I never took responsibility for this prison I had built for myself. I
instead I blamed others, the people who had hurt me so much that I had swore I’d never fly again.
I thought that I was trapped by the regrets and the loss I had suffered.
Numbing myself, trying not to look at myself
I closed my eyes to something I did not want to see, This will not define me .
Time passed-slowly.
And one day I woke up. There was no more pain, only a strange sense of relief and understanding.
My cage became a sanctuary as my grip on the past loosened. Time passed again, but I was not so lonely; it gave me a chance to learn about forgiveness.
I forgave those who had hurt me and I forgave myself.Suddenly the pain was gone.

Life became valuable again.
I bow my head, I release my sins . And this I say, Amen.
And then,
I was finally free to fly.

That would be me

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“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthdaytumblr_mnspy3zJou1sop9rfo1_500

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

Peachy as a Grapefruit but “I Got This” !

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Hot Chitty Bang Bang . Enough of the Thelma and Louise shit .

 

After a moment of clarity, I accept that maybe I should have been  riding the “Special Bus’  all along. And so what!

In the beginning I started my ‘Time Out’ for myself, as a way to not focus on anything but, what is in front of me. In plain english, I went into the stage of, ‘I don’t damn a hot damn ‘ !

Thelma and Louise were cool and all but, let’s not forget they took the easy way out. Pancake batter they are.

I gave myself permission to do absolutely nothing . I also that this would be a good time to take actually stop talking about writing a book and just write the damn thing . So what!  I have no experience in writing. I would not think of how the content would look just now. Just write.

And I did .

It hit me that the best place to start would be now.. I mean right now. So I started with my daily thoughts on my timeout which has now turned into something I didn’t expect, as they say ‘once you get in you can’t get out’.

 

Most normal middle aged women do not lock themselves in the house claiming they are on a timeout. They are not entertained by the clutter that surrounds them, just because no one is watching .They know their chances of sagging Jax from Sons of Anarchy are as big of a chance as me getting my snort on, just this one time.

Promising  I’ll “Just Say No”.

They do not have the craving to be numb. Meaning they do not keep bookmarking  and deleting the local snack shop that will deliver alcohol. They do not spend hours looking at the series intervention until the feelings past. They do not spend the entire day peeking at addiction blogs,they know that they are addicted as I do.

Difference being I need the strength of others sharing their stories . Or maybe I am just amused , maybe nosy.

Amused or not .. it helps.

 

Therefore I admit that I have put my addicted bipolar ass in the line of danger .

 

Recovery and Bipolar 101: DO NOT ISOLATE.

 

The Past Year Struggles;

Relapse

Regroup

Recovery

Abuse in a relationship

Self esteem issues

Kicking the A-hole to the curb

Mindfucking myself with everything

Acceptance

Pissed off.

Trying to get my walking boots on ( done)

Today:

Pleasantly sober

Only mildly pissed off

More pissed off as I open the post

Comfortable in my skin

Peachy as a fucking grapefruit.

 

Acceptance Is The Answer Today

Sons of Anarchy

Substance Abuse and Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder and Addiction | Dual Diagnosis

Self-Medicating: When the Cure IS the Disease – alcohol and drug …

Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking . Timeout ?

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The smoke is flying out as I sit here . I have decided that it is time to handle my business.

That starts with airing the place out and giving it a good scrub. So far I have smoked two cigarettes today. It’s still early but the intentions are there.

I am having a hard time moving around. Last night I shot up from a deep sleep with the worst pain in what seems to be the vein on the inside of my thigh.
This happened last week. Now I am sitting with my legs stacked so high that I can hardly see the computer screen.

Yes, I am paranoid !!

A few things happened today that almost made me really just go Ape Shit Bipolar.

The internet which is hooked to my TV, Phone and Computer went out. I panicked after all it would mean the death of my life line . I turned it off , waited. Nothing!!

While taking a moment to calm down , it came back on. At this point I tossed the pills back in the closet .
Then it happened again.
So thinking that it would be a good idea to plug into someone else’s internet ( don’t even go there if you don’t agree “jammer” that is dutch for “too bad” ) !

Before I finished pondering this , magic happened and it came on and stay on.
That cost me two cigarettes.

Finding things to keep busy and noticing that I am hoarding. I have make up from the 80’s , like the mascara is still good. And what is up with all the pastel eyeshadow? While the energy goddess has decided to grace me today, I have the great idea to just throw out the Olivia Newton shit 

Being disable from my monster leg pain last night I head towards the bathroom.
Ouch, ouch, ouch !

The light is out .Double Damn, I hop back, ouch ouch ouch, only to find it’s not the light bulb.

Now I have big decisions to make here , am I going outside down the three flights of stairs to check the breaker . I had to sit and think about this, and out comes a cigarette as if I am going to get super powers from that . ( Oh yeah, I will regret this.. it’s the coming back up )

After procrastinating for a while, I hop downstairs . Not even thinking about how difficult it will be to get back up.

Stubbed my toe.. lots of F*** this and F*** that.

Still it’s not working .

Great ! It only took me two weeks to clean the bathroom and now I get the feeling that it will be in need of a good bleach down by the time I get this fixed .

Bottom line is I started the day on a positive note, all intentions of making “ timeout “ a distance memory .

Being the addictive kind, it just keeps pulling me back in.

What’s left to say except I need a cigarette.

In closing here I sit here Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking .

Maybe Honey Boo Boo is on .

Really? Back to Timeout

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I couldn’t sleep last night . Finally around 3 am I took 2 sleeping pills.   I really needed to have more than 4 hours of sleep.   

My body is weak from not eating, I had to break down and eat something . It wasn’t much but it was something.

Now back to procrastinating today’s events.  

Smoking a cigarette and checking my email. I am jolted wide awake . My ex will be here at 12:30.  Shit , I have to get dressed and tidy up.

Can’t have anyone thinking I have lost it, can I ?  That’s the thing with isolation, it makes you lazy as fuck

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Needing more veggies and celery I have finally picked myself up and went shopping .  The weather is nice, the sun feels good on my face.   I decide to head towards the bookstore and get a motivational book by my favorite author.  While I am out I noticed that my vision is blurred, my legs have no strength and my overall condition is not good.   Since I am obsessing over my weight and not eating, I am getting no real exercise.   I make yet another promise, I will walk everyday for 45 mins.    

I will not drink today as I have slipped for the past few days .

Another secret .

I have begun to clean up this mess that surrounds me  and that means the bathroom.   Don’t get me wrong , I am not a dirty person, but during this time I am not really that focus on my household chores, instead I am stuck at the computer writing all day.   I bought all the cleaning supplies needed yet I have not made it there yet.   

I did not buy alcohol.

Note to self: Find the stepper and give your blood circulating as well as a bit of exercise.

I was just surprised when someone from a publishing company called me , my first question.   How much ?    And how do you know I am writing , feeling a bit paranoid I ask them to call back.   I need to google this.   I am not a writer except for my blog .   My blog introduced me to putting my feelings of depression , bipolar which I still have doubts about and my struggles of addiction in on paper.

Are you fucking kidding me.   I come out of my bitch cave by going online on Facebook answering emails and  even began chatting on Skype.

I have cleaned the damn bathroom ,  painted my nails, plucked the brows ( I wonder how they look since I can’t see shit ) and dyed my hair.  Leaving it into long as I was yet again procrastinating .

All of a sudden the phone is going mad crazy “ ding, ding, ding “ with notifications .   Normally I do not really pay that much attention.   But this was getting insane..   Screaming in my head.  ” What the fuck do you want” ?   I took a look and one of my email accounts have been hacked .

I am still getting emails from people asking me why am I sending them info concerning  viagra or invitations to a gay site for men. The  screaming voicemails from my ex’s made it clear that I needed to handle this.

I am slowly edging my way back into time out.   

Drinking Bipolar On A Timeout

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Screw the stress, I have a new attitude lately. It’s called “I don’t give a shit “

Needing a time-out ( before I lose the few cookies that I have left ) might be making me a bit looney.
I have been this way for about 2 weeks now .
.
I don’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything . Since starting this little time-out, I have been keeping a journal of my odd behavior.  Today I took a look back at my writings. I found nothing strange about being on lockdown, wanting no interruptions from the outside world and the drama around it. But then again am I headed for the danger zone ?

Sitting here in whatever I want , it could be my jammies or a tank top and panties.

I sit and think about what I can procrastinate about each day.

No eating and smoking like I never have, and my strange obsession with the 12 vitamins that I take daily. Thinking about nothing except that of moment .

And then this happened !

Jumped up this morning to the sound of my annoying doorbell. It sounds more like the door of a prison cell shutting only a tad louder. Anyway, whoever it was left. I thankfully exhaled.

For fuck sakes I had curlers in my hair. Still it is not clear why I have curlers in my hair. Maybe it is because I have to drag myself out to the shops. I wish the shops were closer . Umm delivery ?

After doing some serious thinking , I will be able to manage with the last roll of toilet paper until tomorrow. You see, the thing is I have this phobia when it comes to toilet paper . When down to the last roll , I panic, no really I panic!

There it is, another secret .

It has been like this since I can remember. I wonder if I had some childhood trauma which I was limited to the toilet paper .

Note to self: Ask mom if she abused me with the toilet paper.

Not caring has amounted to me having a pile of unwanted post. Left unopened !
I suppose it is time to ‘snap out of it”. But I can’t bear the thought of all the stress that I have to look forward too. Again I have made the daily promise that tomorrow I will “get it together and stop living in my head “.

Ah shit , and it was so comfortable !

Sitting and smoking cigarettes and procrastinating . How I am so busy with nothing is mind-boggling. Right at this very moment , I am smoking a cigarette and thinking about cleaning the bathroom.

I really hate that job and it shows. But since I am have company coming tomorrow I must find the willpower to clean the damn bathroom. I just had an ah ha moment , “call it off “ it’s only the BP doctor coming to have a chat . As I have made it clear that I am not leaving the house.

I have cleared my mind and would not be able to share . Who am I kidding , of course he is coming.

My smoking too much is really it is out of control since I have stopped with eating. Only eating crackers and my own homemade no fat tzatziki, sometimes spinach and an egg, or watery and tasteless soup.

I am consumed with how much water I am drinking , however I bend up a whole celery stock and drink it daily only to expel the water  . Celery is what now brings me to the yard , these are the  I have to go out.

Today I have done my best to limit myself to 10 cigarettes. I have smoked 9. It’s 6 pm.
Since I am still on the “I don’t care “ way of life . I will smoke undercover , just for today .
I want the evening to last , I want to enjoy every minute of my “I don’t care, no eating , smoking “ evening .

I have stopped many times while writing this , and still the bathroom has not been touched. Knowing me the way I do, I will get around to it sometime around midnight . But seeing that it is
10:00 pm now I have stopped allowing myself to nag over the bathroom. Tomorrow I will get up early and get cleaning products.

I have smoke 6 cigarettes since 6 pm.

I write all day long. I want to write a book , since I have started writing it could be that I am doing whatever it is that writers do to get the pages rolling . Personally, I just shut down for a day or two and found that my not giving a shit became a protective shield.

After all I am bipolar.

In conclusion I may have to come out of the corner , this timeout could go on forever not to mention I am screaming for cancer with all this crazy smoking . But don’t hold me to that just yet .
Let’s wait and see what tomorrow holds.

Oh shit I am out of toilet paper

Hey I have been nominated for the Liebster Award!  Thanks D.Zucho

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