What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?

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‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’

 

https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/anxiety-depression-and-cbt/1/steps/64870

You’re lips are not listening

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Your lips are magic, so full and inviting.
But why are they moving when should be listening?
Why don’t you hear me , I have something to say.
You’re getting comfortable, undoing your shirt , there’s no need for that .
And then I feel your breath so close to my face ,
I have turn away, before I walk away. No you’re not listening,
I can’t save this for another day .

I was a cliche: a bird with broken wings-forever caged.
I never took responsibility for this prison I had built for myself. I
instead I blamed others, the people who had hurt me so much that I had swore I’d never fly again.
I thought that I was trapped by the regrets and the loss I had suffered.
Numbing myself, trying not to look at myself
I closed my eyes to something I did not want to see, This will not define me .
Time passed-slowly.
And one day I woke up. There was no more pain, only a strange sense of relief and understanding.
My cage became a sanctuary as my grip on the past loosened. Time passed again, but I was not so lonely; it gave me a chance to learn about forgiveness.
I forgave those who had hurt me and I forgave myself.Suddenly the pain was gone.

Life became valuable again.
I bow my head, I release my sins . And this I say, Amen.
And then,
I was finally free to fly.

That would be me

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“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthdaytumblr_mnspy3zJou1sop9rfo1_500

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

Peachy as a Grapefruit but “I Got This” !

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Hot Chitty Bang Bang . Enough of the Thelma and Louise shit .

 

After a moment of clarity, I accept that maybe I should have been  riding the “Special Bus’  all along. And so what!

In the beginning I started my ‘Time Out’ for myself, as a way to not focus on anything but, what is in front of me. In plain english, I went into the stage of, ‘I don’t damn a hot damn ‘ !

Thelma and Louise were cool and all but, let’s not forget they took the easy way out. Pancake batter they are.

I gave myself permission to do absolutely nothing . I also that this would be a good time to take actually stop talking about writing a book and just write the damn thing . So what!  I have no experience in writing. I would not think of how the content would look just now. Just write.

And I did .

It hit me that the best place to start would be now.. I mean right now. So I started with my daily thoughts on my timeout which has now turned into something I didn’t expect, as they say ‘once you get in you can’t get out’.

 

Most normal middle aged women do not lock themselves in the house claiming they are on a timeout. They are not entertained by the clutter that surrounds them, just because no one is watching .They know their chances of sagging Jax from Sons of Anarchy are as big of a chance as me getting my snort on, just this one time.

Promising  I’ll “Just Say No”.

They do not have the craving to be numb. Meaning they do not keep bookmarking  and deleting the local snack shop that will deliver alcohol. They do not spend hours looking at the series intervention until the feelings past. They do not spend the entire day peeking at addiction blogs,they know that they are addicted as I do.

Difference being I need the strength of others sharing their stories . Or maybe I am just amused , maybe nosy.

Amused or not .. it helps.

 

Therefore I admit that I have put my addicted bipolar ass in the line of danger .

 

Recovery and Bipolar 101: DO NOT ISOLATE.

 

The Past Year Struggles;

Relapse

Regroup

Recovery

Abuse in a relationship

Self esteem issues

Kicking the A-hole to the curb

Mindfucking myself with everything

Acceptance

Pissed off.

Trying to get my walking boots on ( done)

Today:

Pleasantly sober

Only mildly pissed off

More pissed off as I open the post

Comfortable in my skin

Peachy as a fucking grapefruit.

 

Acceptance Is The Answer Today

Sons of Anarchy

Substance Abuse and Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder and Addiction | Dual Diagnosis

Self-Medicating: When the Cure IS the Disease – alcohol and drug …

Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking . Timeout ?

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The smoke is flying out as I sit here . I have decided that it is time to handle my business.

That starts with airing the place out and giving it a good scrub. So far I have smoked two cigarettes today. It’s still early but the intentions are there.

I am having a hard time moving around. Last night I shot up from a deep sleep with the worst pain in what seems to be the vein on the inside of my thigh.
This happened last week. Now I am sitting with my legs stacked so high that I can hardly see the computer screen.

Yes, I am paranoid !!

A few things happened today that almost made me really just go Ape Shit Bipolar.

The internet which is hooked to my TV, Phone and Computer went out. I panicked after all it would mean the death of my life line . I turned it off , waited. Nothing!!

While taking a moment to calm down , it came back on. At this point I tossed the pills back in the closet .
Then it happened again.
So thinking that it would be a good idea to plug into someone else’s internet ( don’t even go there if you don’t agree “jammer” that is dutch for “too bad” ) !

Before I finished pondering this , magic happened and it came on and stay on.
That cost me two cigarettes.

Finding things to keep busy and noticing that I am hoarding. I have make up from the 80’s , like the mascara is still good. And what is up with all the pastel eyeshadow? While the energy goddess has decided to grace me today, I have the great idea to just throw out the Olivia Newton shit 

Being disable from my monster leg pain last night I head towards the bathroom.
Ouch, ouch, ouch !

The light is out .Double Damn, I hop back, ouch ouch ouch, only to find it’s not the light bulb.

Now I have big decisions to make here , am I going outside down the three flights of stairs to check the breaker . I had to sit and think about this, and out comes a cigarette as if I am going to get super powers from that . ( Oh yeah, I will regret this.. it’s the coming back up )

After procrastinating for a while, I hop downstairs . Not even thinking about how difficult it will be to get back up.

Stubbed my toe.. lots of F*** this and F*** that.

Still it’s not working .

Great ! It only took me two weeks to clean the bathroom and now I get the feeling that it will be in need of a good bleach down by the time I get this fixed .

Bottom line is I started the day on a positive note, all intentions of making “ timeout “ a distance memory .

Being the addictive kind, it just keeps pulling me back in.

What’s left to say except I need a cigarette.

In closing here I sit here Bipolar Thinking and wishing I was Drinking .

Maybe Honey Boo Boo is on .