Dear FutureMe

I’ll get straight to the point. You’re at an all-time low in your life. You’ve been like this for the past few years.

You’ve let time pass by without taking care of your broken scars.
Feeling flawed, empty and alone and out of touch with your feelings, it’s hard to feel you belong anywhere. It’s hard to know what you want, feel or need. It’s hard to believe that it matters. It’s hard to feel that you matter.

I think it’s time to do something about those missed opportunities and allow yourself to heal. Stop internalizing. Being alone is frightening, unbearable, and is suffocating you.

The only person who can save you is yourself. This isn’t a fairy tale, this isn’t a movie, Prince Charming isn’t going to swoop in and save your dark soul. You have to live for yourself, you have to take care of yourself. You cannot give the key to your happiness to someone else. You cannot do that, you cannot put that sort of responsibility and pressure on someone else. Only you can save yourself okay? You have to listen to your heart and listen to your gut. You need to take care of yourself. You need to stop putting harmful substances in your body,

Please stop hurting yourself
live your life passionately, let it radiate from your soul. Make magic. You are a magic woman. A strong-willed, stubborn, beautiful and intelligent woman. Who is more than capable of taking care of you than you

Who quieted your thunder? Stomped out your joy?
Stop procrastinating, write your memoir. I know that you are afraid to relive the trauma.
Because all the self-help books, Tony Robbins’ speeches, and ice cream in the world,
won’t change erase the betrayal of a narcissistic mother. Like the common cold of the soul, you just have to accept it.
when they take hold of you, and battle on through to the other side

Love and appreciate yourself. Continue to live outside your comfort zone, know that your potential is limitless.

You’re a tough old broad
You got this

That would be me

“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthday

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

 

We all have those crazy, crappy moments. We’ve all been hurt, we’ve all tried to pick ourselves up from whatever dust we are in. And though we’ve experienced pain, in the end, we know it is for the better.

I’m not happy with all the crap I have had to endure, but I am beginning to acknowledge that I am stronger for it.  I’ve grown, changed, learned, fought, won, and loss.  I’ve been hurt, but never broken, beaten but never defeated and I know I will never give up.  I’ve gained the strength to carry my heart on my sleeve and learned how to put it’s pieces back together.  The past doesn’t hold me any longer I can now face any future with a level of determination I did not possess when I was younger.

I want people to see that there is a way out, in their own time, and in their own way. That the road rarely ends at one dark point. What keeps us going is hope.

 

To sum up, I suppose, I’ve learned that situations can make life seem very black and not worth living, but getting through those dark valleys proves that life will continue, for better or worse.  The struggles and obstacles that seemed insurmountable and unacceptable before have been gotten through and are now behind me.  

I do hate my dark past, but the funny thing of it is… I am also grateful for it too. I couldn’t have been as strong, as I am now, without it.

 

 

 

Related articles

• An Accidental Comeback: Reassembling Kitchens Of Distinction (thequietus.com)
• Insanity Management: A Story (highexistence.com)
• What Shoud I Believe in? (zazenlife.com)
• On Heartbreak And Why You Should Choose To Feel It All (thoughtcatalog.com)
• Recovery from mental and substance use disorders is possible – Hungry Horse News: Hungry Horse News (pluk.mt.typepad.com)
• Best Drug Rehabilitation’s New Video Highlights How Music Therapy Is… (prweb.com)
• Spiritual River Releases Infographic, “Addiction Treatment and Alcoholism Infographic” (prweb.com)

A dysfunctional family knows the cardinal rules

 

 

The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.

 

The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.

 

The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.

 

The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.

 

The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.

 

The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.

 

The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who “love” you.

 

The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant

 

The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

 

The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect

 

 

I found these 10 commandments of a dysfunctional family as I was surfing the internet ( sorry but I lost the page ).
I have been on a mission to understand myself and my bad choices , which now affect my loved ones.
By no means do I shift the blame anywhere but on myself. For me it’s kind of like what I have heard Oprah say
so often, ” When you know better you do better “.

 

In my opinion acceptance is not so easy . It’s damn hard to “accept the things that you cannot change “.
It takes effort, commitment, and faith something that an addict lacks. Speaking only for myself once I was able to
accept myself and situation , I wanted to understand it .

 

 

” If I can be an example of being sober , I can be an example of starting over ” Macklemore

 

 

 

Attitude Reloaded:

 

Attitude Reloaded:

A manic mind hears the sun is too loud

I’m not lazy… I’m selectively productive! Therefore I am proud to say that all my bitching and whining must have had a positive effect . I am cleaning out my house as if I were cleaning out the baggage in my mind.

I must admit, I was just a bit worried that I was now hoarding.

I cannot pass up  a sale, and don’t get me started on the dollar stores.

Why are they called dollar stores?  

Because if you think that you are going in and coming out with a shitload of “feelgoods” for a dollar, think again.

Those “feelgoods” feelings are replaced  Lickety Split.

Your face is all twisted wondering what happened .

Trying to buy a cheeseburger for all of one cent!

An addict in everything I do, replacing one addiction for something new .

Today’s Load:

2 boxes of my great hash brownie business stuff . ( Bipolar Betty Crocker moment )!

Ah the freezer. Found the hiding Hash Brownies . Trash bound!

19 pairs of gloves

12 old dried out tubes of mascara’s

3 garbage bags of paid bills  **** It’s all digital now            

Betty Crocker logo used until 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1 bag of Tupperware – no tops, or bottoms

Minnie Mouse wallet. Really?

WTF, I don’t have a glue.

Clearly, I still have issues.

Uh, am I rhyming now ?

 

‘Manic’ Thinking Makes Us Happy, Energized And Self-confident

Manic thinking: independent effects of thought speed and thought …

ADHD and Clutter: Is It Organized Chaos or Just a Mess?

Recovering From an Addiction to Chaos