Tomorrow is the big day , this sh*t sucks

Tomorrow is the big day!!
I am sure my friends are grateful for this as I have been behaving like a mad woman.
I am in a panic and dragging those close along for the ride which I know isn’t at all fair. I driven myself ( and other people ) into complete chaos . It has been this way all week, and this morning I am grateful. I say I am ‘fine’ or ‘okay’, But for few, the truth is clear. Sometimes pretending that I am okay or I don’t feel anything is easier . The fact is, my smile can lie, but just looking at my face, you always, always know the truth, and they continue to care and carry me forward to the next step in my destination.
Sometimes I wonder what people think when they look at me. I can imagine that they look at me, and see all of my fears and all of the horrible things I carry with me: what I’ve done and put myself through. But then, for those few, they see me as me. That saves my life. So for that, for seeing through my bluff, continuously loving me and treating me of worth . I thank you all.
My emotions are going from high to low so fast that I am mentally worn down. I know that when I get to this clinic I will have to face some very hard truths . And honestly that is scary as hell , it is time to really grab those big girl panties and take control over my life . I may not
mean it but I have to believe that I am worth it . The next time you hear from me it will be from a treatment center that has it’s own hospital ( time to take this health this seriously )
So my mid life crisis and insanity is going to surrender and hopefully forgiveness will follow.
Take care and talk to you soon ( 1 time a week )
Hugs T

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Sassy Sister

My talking avatar , uh she is a bit  sassy this  Saturday, you can make your own on my page , ( don’t forget to email yourself when you are done , and it goes without saying .share)      www.brokenopenscars.com/site-sisters.html

Rambling and Thinking Forward( again)

So here we are ! It’s Saturday and I am in the middle of packing for my trip. I have come to terms with the fact that this trip is a MUST. However, I am thinking about the things that I will miss. The first thought that comes to mind is not vodka ( yes, it surprised me too) but, Internet . I love the Internet. It has helped me to be comfortable alone. It has given me a voice , let’s be honest , it has given me the life that I left behind. And since we are honest , the Internet allows me to avoid the loneliness and emptiness that I have been feeling . When I am manic and having these great ( and they are great ..to me ) thoughts and my behavior is just bit too crazy . I am the only one that knows. Of course in my eyes I am not manic but getting control over this bipolar, alcohol, lonely and empty feeling . Wow, did I really just say that ? Double wow , will I leave this in my post for my blog. What do you think? Uh yeah. That is just how I am. I do know that this is online and you don’t know me. I try very hard to let the real person out online but some people will just not get me . And that is the good thing about Internet , just let your fingers do the talking for you and click off. So, with that said , I carry onward !
In the last 24 hours I have been trying to talk myself out of going to this clinic, this is mainly because I have been feeling OK for a few days and I haven’t drank anything that will give me that warm fuzzy feeling . ( OK, I must admit that I knew that I had tons of shit to do this week and I knew the weekend was coming. I have always found it easy to maintain when it is necessary and that I could party later ) . For awhile my drinking bipolar mind was wild . I am thinking “hey, I can handle myself , when the shit hits the fan I always come around , after all I have started taking my medication again “. It doesn’t hit me then , that just maybe I am handling things because i am taking those little shitty pills that make me fatter than what I am . And just maybe I am getting fatter because I tend to drink way to much . So, I go about my morning , doing my things, you know cleaning and doing my best to keep busy because I feel something is missing ( alcohol) but I also feel great that I am getting on top of things. Paperwork, housework, dying my hair, etc.
Suddenly I am bored ! Shit this creates a problem.
I take out the Wii and hook it up. I have had this for 2 yrs and I have turned it on 4 times. Once I actually did the yoga in the Wii fitness , at which time I could not believe how long it took and further more it almost killed me . The other few times, I enjoyed it as I sat my big ass behind the computer and actually paying attention . ( maybe I was drinking because I had great amusement watching as I got my ass kicked by the little Wii people. Still I felt as if I had worked out .
Just talking about this alone is enough to convince me to keep packing and get on the plane .
Anyway , in the true spirit of being bipolar , I am changing the subject , today is my daughters birthday . I haven’t seen her in many years. We stay in touch by Facebook, email and phone . I do not call her as often as I should. I think that is because I have no idea what to say when we have been living separate lives for so long . She has grown up into a wonderful young woman who is in the military . I am very proud of her , did I mention that she has 2 sons whom I have never met ? I have been deported from the USA now for 12 yrs. The guilt of not being there for my kids is a pain that I will discuss another time . ( I have lived in the states from the time I was 2yrs old , I thought I was American … I am jumping way ahead of myself . I will get back to you on this drama that I have caused myself). I am not sure where I am going with this except to say , I am going to finish packing , write immigration a letter for my lawyer and call my kid to wish her Happy Birthday .

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Absolute chaos and drinking bipolar

I have never had depression , well nothing that I would write about. Honestly I had no idea that I am in the middle of a heavy depression now. I mean I am so use to watching out for the manic me , that this has come as a shock. i have been writing and posting these feelings online and I am wondering if I am sharing too much. But what is too much? Am I depressed , that is what my doctors say. I feel this strange floating feeling , as if I am not really in the room. I don’t like it one bit. I have had many problems with being manic.. this shit sucks. 

I want to make this abnormal feeling disappear. I Want to DRINK, DRUG.. whatever. I don’t !
Instead I am stuffing my face with everything I can find . Thinking of a taco bell has the same effect as if I were preparing for a line of coke. ( It’s all in the foreplay ) I am a strong believer in reaching out and asking for help. I have been down a rocky path before and I know exactly where it leads. No I don’t have any desire to start down that dark road, you know the one. Staying up for days at a time , breathing alcohol and getting no effects from it , wearing way too much makeup , hoping to fool the average person that you are living a normal life and not staying awake for days at a time . The guilt alone suddenly makes you suddenly religious , but you just doing the same thing and getting nowhere. All these empty promises that you have made as you are on your knees ( and I don’t for fun, his not yours ) your head in damn toilet.
nope, I have spent have over half my life doing these things. They have become normal. That was a long time ago, but history has a way of repeating itself with me. I started to dig deep, and I mean dig and take a good look at myself . What I see in my future is enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I refuse to let this happen again. So folks, I know I haven’t been writing much and you will be seeing less of me online. On Tuesday I am going to a lovely place somewhere in the UK, for a few months . I need to get my shit back together . ADDICTION will not be my life .
I will be posting 1 time a week only . I will be keeping a journal and doing my best to share my feelings. Until then I will try to post daily but I have alot to handle before I go.
I want to thank you in advance for all your support . Don’t count this ole girl out just yet !
As I said I will post once a week.
Here are some good things that will happen :
I will keep breathing
Lose weight ( being “hot” or “medium warm” makes me fuzzy inside , in a sober way )
Lose some baggage
That is all I can see for today.
Here are some NOT so nice things that will happen:
No Internet , but once a week ( Here go, Lord help me )
No cell phone ( Don’t answer it away )My un-sober fuzzy feeling will fade
I have to unpack the baggage
Shit .. I better just think about the fuzzy feeling cause if I go any further , I will miss that flight  and it will be my absolute chaos and drinking bipolar Again 

I will keep posting on WordPress however due to limited time please check out my website 

www.brokenopenscars.com