Absolute chaos and drinking bipolar

I have never had depression , well nothing that I would write about. Honestly I had no idea that I am in the middle of a heavy depression now. I mean I am so use to watching out for the manic me , that this has come as a shock. i have been writing and posting these feelings online and I am wondering if I am sharing too much. But what is too much? Am I depressed , that is what my doctors say. I feel this strange floating feeling , as if I am not really in the room. I don’t like it one bit. I have had many problems with being manic.. this shit sucks. 

I want to make this abnormal feeling disappear. I Want to DRINK, DRUG.. whatever. I don’t !
Instead I am stuffing my face with everything I can find . Thinking of a taco bell has the same effect as if I were preparing for a line of coke. ( It’s all in the foreplay ) I am a strong believer in reaching out and asking for help. I have been down a rocky path before and I know exactly where it leads. No I don’t have any desire to start down that dark road, you know the one. Staying up for days at a time , breathing alcohol and getting no effects from it , wearing way too much makeup , hoping to fool the average person that you are living a normal life and not staying awake for days at a time . The guilt alone suddenly makes you suddenly religious , but you just doing the same thing and getting nowhere. All these empty promises that you have made as you are on your knees ( and I don’t for fun, his not yours ) your head in damn toilet.
nope, I have spent have over half my life doing these things. They have become normal. That was a long time ago, but history has a way of repeating itself with me. I started to dig deep, and I mean dig and take a good look at myself . What I see in my future is enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I refuse to let this happen again. So folks, I know I haven’t been writing much and you will be seeing less of me online. On Tuesday I am going to a lovely place somewhere in the UK, for a few months . I need to get my shit back together . ADDICTION will not be my life .
I will be posting 1 time a week only . I will be keeping a journal and doing my best to share my feelings. Until then I will try to post daily but I have alot to handle before I go.
I want to thank you in advance for all your support . Don’t count this ole girl out just yet !
As I said I will post once a week.
Here are some good things that will happen :
I will keep breathing
Lose weight ( being “hot” or “medium warm” makes me fuzzy inside , in a sober way )
Lose some baggage
That is all I can see for today.
Here are some NOT so nice things that will happen:
No Internet , but once a week ( Here go, Lord help me )
No cell phone ( Don’t answer it away )My un-sober fuzzy feeling will fade
I have to unpack the baggage
Shit .. I better just think about the fuzzy feeling cause if I go any further , I will miss that flight  and it will be my absolute chaos and drinking bipolar Again 

I will keep posting on WordPress however due to limited time please check out my website 

www.brokenopenscars.com

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5 responses to “Absolute chaos and drinking bipolar

  1. Reflecting on depression is possibly causing you to be more depressed because when you’re in this state your mind is going into itself and looking at you. Get out the chair and off the computer and go for a walk looking up and around at the world around you will help to make your mood a little better. Mind a charity in the UK for mental health issues recommends kite flying. This is to do with physiology when you’re looking inside you’ll look down to find your feelings. In order to break this cycle looking at something above you makes you look outside your body plus the feeling and remembrance of childhood and happy moments when you flew kites.

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