I have never had depression , well nothing that I would write about. Honestly I had no idea that I am in the middle of a heavy depression now. I mean I am so use to watching out for the manic me , that this has come as a shock. i have been writing and posting these feelings online and I am wondering if I am sharing too much. But what is too much? Am I depressed , that is what my doctors say. I feel this strange floating feeling , as if I am not really in the room. I don’t like it one bit. I have had many problems with being manic.. this shit sucks.
Instead I am stuffing my face with everything I can find . Thinking of a taco bell has the same effect as if I were preparing for a line of coke. ( It’s all in the foreplay ) I am a strong believer in reaching out and asking for help. I have been down a rocky path before and I know exactly where it leads. No I don’t have any desire to start down that dark road, you know the one. Staying up for days at a time , breathing alcohol and getting no effects from it , wearing way too much makeup , hoping to fool the average person that you are living a normal life and not staying awake for days at a time . The guilt alone suddenly makes you suddenly religious , but you just doing the same thing and getting nowhere. All these empty promises that you have made as you are on your knees ( and I don’t for fun, his not yours ) your head in damn toilet.
nope, I have spent have over half my life doing these things. They have become normal. That was a long time ago, but history has a way of repeating itself with me. I started to dig deep, and I mean dig and take a good look at myself . What I see in my future is enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I refuse to let this happen again. So folks, I know I haven’t been writing much and you will be seeing less of me online. On Tuesday I am going to a lovely place somewhere in the UK, for a few months . I need to get my shit back together . ADDICTION will not be my life .
I will be posting 1 time a week only . I will be keeping a journal and doing my best to share my feelings. Until then I will try to post daily but I have alot to handle before I go.
I want to thank you in advance for all your support . Don’t count this ole girl out just yet !
As I said I will post once a week.
Here are some good things that will happen :
I will keep breathing
Lose weight ( being “hot” or “medium warm” makes me fuzzy inside , in a sober way )
Lose some baggage
That is all I can see for today.
Here are some NOT so nice things that will happen:
No Internet , but once a week ( Here go, Lord help me )
No cell phone ( Don’t answer it away )My un-sober fuzzy feeling will fade
I have to unpack the baggage
Shit .. I better just think about the fuzzy feeling cause if I go any further , I will miss that flight and it will be my absolute chaos and drinking bipolar Again
I will keep posting on WordPress however due to limited time please check out my website