Rambling and Thinking Forward( again)

So here we are ! It’s Saturday and I am in the middle of packing for my trip. I have come to terms with the fact that this trip is a MUST. However, I am thinking about the things that I will miss. The first thought that comes to mind is not vodka ( yes, it surprised me too) but, Internet . I love the Internet. It has helped me to be comfortable alone. It has given me a voice , let’s be honest , it has given me the life that I left behind. And since we are honest , the Internet allows me to avoid the loneliness and emptiness that I have been feeling . When I am manic and having these great ( and they are great ..to me ) thoughts and my behavior is just bit too crazy . I am the only one that knows. Of course in my eyes I am not manic but getting control over this bipolar, alcohol, lonely and empty feeling . Wow, did I really just say that ? Double wow , will I leave this in my post for my blog. What do you think? Uh yeah. That is just how I am. I do know that this is online and you don’t know me. I try very hard to let the real person out online but some people will just not get me . And that is the good thing about Internet , just let your fingers do the talking for you and click off. So, with that said , I carry onward !
In the last 24 hours I have been trying to talk myself out of going to this clinic, this is mainly because I have been feeling OK for a few days and I haven’t drank anything that will give me that warm fuzzy feeling . ( OK, I must admit that I knew that I had tons of shit to do this week and I knew the weekend was coming. I have always found it easy to maintain when it is necessary and that I could party later ) . For awhile my drinking bipolar mind was wild . I am thinking “hey, I can handle myself , when the shit hits the fan I always come around , after all I have started taking my medication again “. It doesn’t hit me then , that just maybe I am handling things because i am taking those little shitty pills that make me fatter than what I am . And just maybe I am getting fatter because I tend to drink way to much . So, I go about my morning , doing my things, you know cleaning and doing my best to keep busy because I feel something is missing ( alcohol) but I also feel great that I am getting on top of things. Paperwork, housework, dying my hair, etc.
Suddenly I am bored ! Shit this creates a problem.
I take out the Wii and hook it up. I have had this for 2 yrs and I have turned it on 4 times. Once I actually did the yoga in the Wii fitness , at which time I could not believe how long it took and further more it almost killed me . The other few times, I enjoyed it as I sat my big ass behind the computer and actually paying attention . ( maybe I was drinking because I had great amusement watching as I got my ass kicked by the little Wii people. Still I felt as if I had worked out .
Just talking about this alone is enough to convince me to keep packing and get on the plane .
Anyway , in the true spirit of being bipolar , I am changing the subject , today is my daughters birthday . I haven’t seen her in many years. We stay in touch by Facebook, email and phone . I do not call her as often as I should. I think that is because I have no idea what to say when we have been living separate lives for so long . She has grown up into a wonderful young woman who is in the military . I am very proud of her , did I mention that she has 2 sons whom I have never met ? I have been deported from the USA now for 12 yrs. The guilt of not being there for my kids is a pain that I will discuss another time . ( I have lived in the states from the time I was 2yrs old , I thought I was American … I am jumping way ahead of myself . I will get back to you on this drama that I have caused myself). I am not sure where I am going with this except to say , I am going to finish packing , write immigration a letter for my lawyer and call my kid to wish her Happy Birthday .

www.brokenopenscars.com

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3 responses to “Rambling and Thinking Forward( again)

  1. I am proud of you. I have enjoyed reading you being you and I will look forward to seeing something from you every week on here. Call your daughter and tell her how proud you are of her and how you hope to be close with her and your grandchildren one day. Let her know you are moving forward. Best of luck. You will be in my prayers, as always sweety!

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    • Thanks, I am going to do that right now. Have a great saturday , it is a bit cloudy here in Amsterdam but I am going to get out and try to enjoy the day ! Hugs

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