Good morning everyone.
I’m up bright and early with a cool breeze running through my house for that I am grateful today. It has been so hot lately that I am sure I have sweated out at least 3 kilo-.
Okay that’s my story and I’m going to stick to. Actually I’ve been doing a lot of swimming I’m taking time to do a lot of thinking.
Thinking about where I’m going and if I’m actually ready to take a chance to just go out there and fulfill my dreams.
At this point I wouldn’t say my dreams.
But I’m just ready to go out and find my own way. Yes, I said this before just recently and today I woke up and the thought of it kinda scared me.
I asked myself where is that girl who wasn’t afraid to take chances to fail and get back up to seek for new beginnings. I can tell you that girl was about 15 years ago, suddenly the urge has just hit me again. Why am I living a life today that I do not like, and settling for less.
This must change.
About a week ago, something in my character just seem to come alive.
Then I realized the only person holding me back was myself.
Maybe I’m just too cozy where I have fallen into a habit of just settling and letting go of my dreams. After meeting up with some new friends and some old friends I just sat there listening to them go on about their lives.
I was thinking to myself what happened to you. When did you just stop living for yourself ,when did I become so afraid to get out there and have fun again. If I don’t like where I live change it and that is what I’m going to do. The thought scares me. Excitement, is running through my veins after all I’m not 20 years old anymore I’m not just going to sleep on anybody’s couch.
And then walked in opportunity!
Of course I listened as I always do, normally it goes in one ear and out the other. That’s just me. I lost confidence and self esteem in myself somewhere along the way.
I had to change that! I had to start immediately! Now I’m also not foolish. I’m not going to just jumped into anything, knowing myself the way I do I would end up in some country with no internet no indoor plumbing living off leaves and I’m not talking Columbia folks. So for right now I think it is important how to write down the pros and cons. Yes I have been offered something new but there’s something telling me slow down.
I cannot put into words how different I have become I was the wild child, I was spontaneous, I was not afraid to take chances. However, this behavior lead me into the darkness. The darkness of insanity which comes with too much partying. By partying I mean everything and everything lasted for years, leaving me in a world of regret.
I lost a lot but when you numb yourself for as long as I did it just becomes normal. Forget about the dreams that you once had, replacing them with any substance that allows you to remain numb.
That was then , this is now :
The past 2 weeks I have stepped up my game and started taking very good care of myself. The years of just settling have left me feeling just a little bit self conscious. That could be because I stop taking care of myself, I gained weight and I did not even think about eating healthy. Suddenly I am walking everyday once even with this plastic sweat suit ( almost had a stroke, not a good idea ), by that I mean a good hour a steady pace, swimming every other day and living the life of a damn rabbit as I can not find any yummy stuff here, if only for the taste mmm. I have made veggies and more veggies the Trisha way. A little of this and a sprinkle of that . By the end of the day I am so tired and worn out the only treat that I can think of having is a hot water bottle and hoping something is good on the TLC channel …
The point of all of this is before I can move on I need to be healthy. Because I’m going to need all the strength that I can get.
The sad thing is letting go of people share my world with. Even though I wasn’t myself and no real support came out of these relationships I am sentimental and I feel a great loss. I can say this about my last relationship, at times I just want to pick up the phone send a message go on Skype ( pretty sure that is blocked ) or just send an email. That is the hard part for me. Being sentimental, I can remember everything and sometimes everything does not include the bad things. The anger, terrifying fear of loss which is translated into I don’t want to be alone!
But the days go by, I get stronger, I see someone in the mirror. I see me!
I’m not going to talk about what I’m going to do where I’m going to go, as I’m a little bit older now. I am taking the time to really think things through. So instead of making a commitment I am just going to go and spend a week to see if this is the direction that I want to take. If not, then I haven’t lost anything. And hopefully made friends along the way.
Oh yeah people, there is a plan B. Regardless I am ready now to make changes. I am Not Afraid!
And then again, maybe this is where I’m supposed to be. But I won’t know that until I try.
After reading this a touch of anxiety sneaks up on me. So I better get dressed and hit the door I’m off to a friend’s place, just so happens it is on the beach.. So where is the damn heat wave now?