disappear !

My drinking make me feel beautiful or important or wanted. It doesn’t even make me feel special. It doesn’t remedy anything.
Isolation, takes me seriously. But,vodka doesn’t ask any questions. It doesn’t pull away from me when I reach for it. It just is. And, it just “does” whatever it does. It eases….it eases my loneliness…makes me feel a little less bored. It fools me into believing that I don’t have to think about tomorrow…at least for this one moment…these few moments when I know the bottle’s not empty…as long as there’s still vodka in that little pint…as long as there’s a gas station with a tall can of beer for a dollar…if there’s nothing else (which, there usually isn’t) and I’ve gotten that – desperate – then there’s always that to look forward to.
The allure whispers ,
I feel destined to live a life of solitude where no one can reach me because I have proven to be incapable of reaching people.
So, I turn to this poison…it quiets the conviction in my heart.
Stuck in the moment , a huge run in my pantyhose, dry lips and the doorbell rings. Rewind, what is all this ?
Medication needed, relapse greeted.
Shut the door

( I found this today, I wrote it a months before going to Castle Craig. Sometimes , I still can feel this way .Only today, I fight my demons bit harder )

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This Is Your Awakening.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

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Miss Crabby Ass

I am not sure but I feel that I just had to post this letter that I wrote yesterday, for the past five years I have been nothing more than a door mat in this so called relationship. I was in deep depression and the drinking took off like never before. I was ashamed that I was disrespecting myself by staying in this abusive , toxic relationship. But I just couldn’t walk away, I was afraid to be alone suddenly ( this was also the time of my big break down ). Of course you don’t know this but I am sick and it has been hell. Also being bipolar I am freaking out completely at the changes that my body is making . I am not sure that I would have taken the treatment here if I had known that I would be alone and this sick.. Who am I kidding I knew I would not have any support from that dickless  wonder (…

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I met my true self today

 

I met my true self today sitting in a dark corner.
With knees hugging her chest, dust covering her like a second layer of skin, cobwebs becoming one with her fingertips. Insecurities, broken dreams, discarded hopes wrapped around her like armor. She’s never seen the light of day. Never kissed the rays of the sun or sang along with the morning breeze or dance with the spring flowers or watched the leaves play at being chameleons every fall.
She’s afraid of the light. In the light there’s people who are going to be her judge, jury and executioner before a sound passes by on her lips. She tells herself daily.
She rather isolate herself in the icy corner where it’s safe than be like all the others and set foot into the light just to be left’d feeling rejected and tormented. It’s better this way, she tells me.
I’m full of panic and sadness knowing no matter what I tell my true self, she will never move from her little corner. She’ll die there and no one will be the wiser, not even me. No, this directive is aimed at all you casual Cosmo lovers, you Saturday night vodka martini drinkers, you Bloody Mary and vodka tonic tipplers.
You probably developed your taste for vodka way back before you really knew much about drinking, precisely because vodka didn’t have much taste. You could mix it with anything — Gatorade, say — and manage to get efficiently wasted .
You there, with the coffee mug full of clear liquid, sipping vodka because you think it won’t make you reek of alcohol at your 9 a.m. meeting: I’m not actually talking to you.

 

 

 

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Chemical crutches, tic tic tic.

The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes. And you need the time to pass. Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be. You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here. Tick tick tick. The best way to describe being bipolar is perfect confusion. Life has always seemed like it is too intense or not intense enough. Too intense and I am running too hard, working too hard, and wanting to screw a lot or ********** to let the energy (like in a pressure cooker) off and relax, at least for a few moments. The other side is not having enough energy and being depressed, bored, tired with little to no ambition. I know that it makes me not want to get out of bed most mornings,or to suddenly have the solution to a l of my problems I ‘ pack a bag and move to New York. Run away start over. I know I’m not motivated to do anything .
Deep within me there are many secrets.
I am so tired of restarting my life. I have lived thru being homeless, alcoholism, and substance abuse. I have found, what I believed at the time to be, “The One” and lost him. I have battled with thoughts of suicide and overcome. I have moved from one side of this country to the other and a few places in between. I am currently battling a small amount of depression and a general feeling of being burned out from fighting an uphill battle all my life. At times in my life I have fought depression, loneliness, and the cruelty of others with Adderall, Red Bull,Valium, and Vodka.Whatever’s this weeks best deal is what I’m on. It could be alcohol, drugs, obsession, friendships, families, personalities. I care too much… damn spell. Missing my chemical crutches, tic tic tic.

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