I am not sure but I feel that I just had to post this letter that I wrote yesterday, for the past five years I have been nothing more than a door mat in this so called relationship. I was in deep depression and the drinking took off like never before. I was ashamed that I was disrespecting myself by staying in this abusive , toxic relationship. But I just couldn’t walk away, I was afraid to be alone suddenly ( this was also the time of my big break down ). Of course you don’t know this but I am sick and it has been hell. Also being bipolar I am freaking out completely at the changes that my body is making . I am not sure that I would have taken the treatment here if I had known that I would be alone and this sick.. Who am I kidding I knew I would not have any support from that dickless wonder ( oops sorry I am trying to keep it clean . Anyway my point is , I am feeling free and for lack of better words full of life . I know that this will past . Next thing RECOVERY !
I am ready .
I thought that it was about time that I write you this email. What I am going to say should come as no surprise. My world has come falling down in way that really wasn’t expected. No matter how many times I fall , I have always done my best to try to pick myself up. Even if it was just for awhile. When we were in Israel, I knew that the time was coming when I would face a huge battle and I also knew that I would be fighting it alone. I have been beating myself up mentally because I knew that this was coming and I should have prepared better. Ever since i meant you … you have been basically been telling who you are , and it is my fault that I didn’t listen the first time. But , for some reason, I just didn’t want to let it go. I seem to have forgotten how we met and how as soon as the big partying was over and it came time be to being a grow up, I was again standing alone . Still, I wanted to save us. Many times we do “get”each other. But mostly it is a battle and lately I don’t even hear the word coming out of your mouth . , Since i have known you it has always boiled down to just me and you ..and that is when we are ok. I am even having a problem saying this because it still hurts me very badly to know that you of all people let me down in a way that I could never forgive you for. You have told me that I can come to you and stay at your house . I am the one getting 2 shots in the ass a week, barely able to make it to the toilet my hair falling out , and I cant even get you to go to the shop ( and really it is me who is sick) , but there have been so many days and nights that I can’t even move. For a few days , I had no food that I could eat , toilet paper, , bla , bla bla. You immature idiot I AM SICK!!! t he doctor had to give me some medication like morphine and it made me very ill .. But I waited for you to just say “ hey do you need something ?” And that never came . I am embarrassed when someone says where is that guy that you have wasted 5 years with , why isn’t he helping you . And you will say “ I don’t care about THOSE people, but when I am laying here so ill, those people matter. And after all these years, I am beyond hurt. I cant eve explain the feelings that I have. But I do know one thing I am finally free of your childish behavior and while I could say more .. The time has come where , I just don’t care . I already knew that it was time for me to surrender and take care of me . I will be leaving next week for 6 months , I am going to get my former self and after I deal with the next few months I will bring her back… as if I never knew you .
Please stop calling me asking me if I am ok.It just makes want to throw the phone across the room( only it is my new iPhone .. )
We don’t even have to do the bullshit where I come and get my shit from your house.. I am so serious that you can keep it !
No door closes and another one opens .