dont make me go all bipolar on your ass !

I am not sure but I feel that I just had to post this letter that I wrote yesterday, for the past five years I have been nothing more than a door mat in this so called relationship. I was in deep depression and the drinking took off like never before. I was ashamed that I was disrespecting myself by staying in this abusive , toxic relationship. But I just couldn’t walk away, I was afraid to be alone suddenly ( this was also the time of my big break down ). Of course you don’t know this but I am sick and it has been hell. Also being bipolar I am freaking out completely at the changes that my body is making . I am not sure that I would have taken the treatment here if I had known that I would be alone and this sick.. Who am I kidding I knew I would not have any support from that dickless  wonder ( oops sorry  I am trying to keep it clean . Anyway my point is , I am feeling free and for lack of better words full of life . I know that this will past . Next thing RECOVERY !

 

I am ready .

 

Oprah once said , People tell you who they are , listen the first time :
M
I thought that it was about time that I write you this email. What I am going to say should come as no surprise. My world has come falling down in way that really wasn’t expected. No matter how many times I fall , I have always done my best to try to pick myself up. Even if it was just for awhile. When we were in Israel, I knew that the time was coming when I would face a huge battle and I also knew that I would be fighting it alone. I have been beating myself up mentally because I knew that this was coming and I should have prepared better. Ever since i meant you … you have been basically been telling who you are , and it is my fault that I didn’t listen the first time. But , for some reason, I just didn’t want to let it go. I seem to have forgotten how we met and how as soon as the big partying was over and it came time be to being a grow up, I was again standing alone . Still, I wanted to save us. Many times we do “get”each other. But mostly it is a battle and lately I don’t even hear the word coming out of your mouth . , Since i have known you it has always boiled down to just me and you ..and that is when we are ok. I am even having a problem saying this because it still hurts me very badly to know that you of all people let me down in a way that I could never forgive you for. You have told me that I can come to you and stay at your house . I am the one getting 2 shots in the ass a week, barely able to make it to the toilet my hair falling out , and I cant even get you to go to the shop ( and really it is me who is sick) , but there have been so many days and nights that I can’t even move. For a few days , I had no food that I could eat , toilet paper, , bla , bla bla. You immature idiot I AM SICK!!! t he doctor had to give me some medication like morphine and it made me very ill .. But I waited for you to just say “ hey do you need something ?” And that never came . I am embarrassed when someone says where is that guy that you have wasted 5 years with , why isn’t he helping you . And you will say “ I don’t care about THOSE people, but when I am laying here so ill, those people matter. And after all these years, I am beyond hurt. I cant eve explain the feelings that I have. But I do know one thing I am finally free of your childish behavior and while I could say more .. The time has come where , I just don’t care . I already knew that it was time for me to surrender and take care of me . I will be leaving next week for 6 months , I am going to get my former self and after I deal with the next few months I will bring her back… as if I never knew you . 

Please stop calling me asking me if I am ok.It just makes want to throw the phone across the room( only it is my new iPhone .. ) 

We don’t even have to do the bullshit where I come and get my shit from your house.. I am so serious that you can keep it !

No door closes and another one opens . 

 

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3 responses to “dont make me go all bipolar on your ass !

  1. The strength you take from leaving him, just makes you stronger for your next battle. It sound like you are in one of the worst fights of your life right now physically and mentally. All of the energy wasted in fighting with/for him can now be redirected to the most important fight. You might be bruised and battered, but you are still up and fighting!! Congrats on writing the letter, and good luck with each step forward!

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