The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes. And you need the time to pass. Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be. You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here. Tick tick tick. The best way to describe being bipolar is perfect confusion. Life has always seemed like it is too intense or not intense enough. Too intense and I am running too hard, working too hard, and wanting to screw a lot or ********** to let the energy (like in a pressure cooker) off and relax, at least for a few moments. The other side is not having enough energy and being depressed, bored, tired with little to no ambition. I know that it makes me not want to get out of bed most mornings,or to suddenly have the solution to a l of my problems I ‘ pack a bag and move to New York. Run away start over. I know I’m not motivated to do anything .
Deep within me there are many secrets.
I am so tired of restarting my life. I have lived thru being homeless, alcoholism, and substance abuse. I have found, what I believed at the time to be, “The One” and lost him. I have battled with thoughts of suicide and overcome. I have moved from one side of this country to the other and a few places in between. I am currently battling a small amount of depression and a general feeling of being burned out from fighting an uphill battle all my life. At times in my life I have fought depression, loneliness, and the cruelty of others with Adderall, Red Bull,Valium, and Vodka.Whatever’s this weeks best deal is what I’m on. It could be alcohol, drugs, obsession, friendships, families, personalities. I care too much… damn spell. Missing my chemical crutches, tic tic tic.