We are never more self-righteous than when giving up what we should have shunned all along.
So here I am again, it is a shitty summer day here in Amsterdam. OK maybe I am being a bit over the top, it isn’t a sunny summers day. Is that better? I don’t want to sound negative all the time. Even I get a sick of myself with pointing out all the bullshit. Since being at Castle Craig I have learned that my world isn’t as dark as it could be. And trust me it could be raining fire. I somehow have always done my best to pull myself out but not before I am in the stage of `Help me God, I am in trouble, again`. I think that I might be writing this post to the younger crowd out there. So many times in my life I have removed myself from feeling and by doing that it was much easier to just not give a damn. Personally in my case I really never really thought that I didn’t give a damn.. I just had lots of great reasons to excuse myself from my deeds. Normally , I write this blog about my addiction , my bipolar and being totally overwhelmed with looking in the mirror and admitting that I am now middle age.
Every time I pass a mirror, peek and take a very fast glance, my shoulders drop just a little bit more.
More often that not I seriously expect to see that young woman of yesterday.
Many yesterday’s have passed . It is at times haunting and other times I am not bothered. I have regrets that in the past have pained me in ways that words cannot begin to describe. Speaking only for myself , I am all about the fight within. Not always but the mirror does not lie , tick tock.
I am sometime childish, I sometimes do not know how to express my anger or disappointments. I sometimes yearn to numb myself , I am comfortable with that. But once again, tick tock.. Honestly , I am missing something that never was. I am missing what I never pushed myself to become. As the clock makes it’s annoying countdown of tick tock, I have decided to jump my big ass off the couch , step in the front of the dreadful mirror and take a long look. Let the tears fall if they must. My shoulders may not be fully upright . However, my head isn’t headed downward. I am a woman who has made mistakes, has many regrets, and lost many chances. I am also a woman who still has dreams, and I still want love in my life. I am a bit funny that way , love means alot to me. A big fault but I need love in my life. That is who I am. My dreams are still alive and while I am having a bit of a hard time working out what I want to do with myself. I stand somewhat upward . I have choices. So this somewhat cloudy, windy summers day has brought some shine into me life and I hope that it brings shine into yours.
As I have been rambling about this and that , I want to leave you with some raw words. I leave these words to you whether you are young , old. Whether you suffer from addiction, bipolar, whatever. Time will follow, missed chances will remind you . Read between the lines , find your self and live.
Now if I can only do the same :