Chances will remind you

We are never more self-righteous than when giving up what we should have shunned all along.

So here I am again, it is a shitty summer day here in Amsterdam. OK maybe I am being a bit over the top, it isn’t a sunny summers day. Is that better? I don’t want to sound negative all the time. Even I get a sick of myself with pointing out all the bullshit. Since being at Castle Craig I have learned that my world isn’t as dark as it could be. And trust me it could be raining fire. I somehow have always done my best to pull myself out but not before I am in the stage of `Help me God, I am in trouble, again`. I think that I might be writing this post to the younger crowd out there. So many times in my life I have removed myself from feeling and by doing that it was much easier to just not give a damn. Personally in my case I really never really thought that I didn’t give a damn.. I just had lots of great reasons to excuse myself from my deeds. Normally , I write this blog about my addiction , my bipolar and being totally overwhelmed with looking in the mirror and admitting that I am now middle age.
Every time I pass a mirror, peek and take a very fast glance, my shoulders drop just a little bit more.
More often that not I seriously expect to see that young woman of yesterday.
Many yesterday’s have passed . It is at times haunting and other times I am not bothered. I have regrets that in the past have pained me in ways that words cannot begin to describe. Speaking only for myself , I am all about the fight within. Not always but the mirror does not lie , tick tock.
I am sometime childish, I sometimes do not know how to express my anger or disappointments. I sometimes yearn to numb myself , I am comfortable with that. But once again, tick tock.. Honestly , I am missing something that never was. I am missing what I never pushed myself to become. As the clock makes it’s annoying countdown of tick tock, I have decided to jump my big ass off the couch , step in the front of the dreadful mirror and take a long look. Let the tears fall if they must. My shoulders may not be fully upright . However, my head isn’t headed downward. I am a woman who has made mistakes, has many regrets, and lost many chances. I am also a woman who still has dreams, and I still want love in my life. I am a bit funny that way , love means alot to me. A big fault but I need love in my life. That is who I am. My dreams are still alive and while I am having a bit of a hard time working out what I want to do with myself. I stand somewhat upward . I have choices. So this somewhat cloudy, windy summers day has brought some shine into me life and I hope that it brings shine into yours.
As I have been rambling about this and that , I want to leave you with some raw words. I leave these words to you whether you are young , old. Whether you suffer from addiction, bipolar, whatever. Time will follow, missed chances will remind you . Read between the lines , find your self and live.
Now if I can only do the same :

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4 responses to “Chances will remind you

  1. I love that post. I identify with so much of what you’ve written about how you feel. I also have bipolar and am a recovering addict and alcoholic. Looking forward to reading more of your blog.

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  2. Do you have the ability to actually say what you think? Wow! Most people can’t say what they think, as what they think must first and always pass the ‘is this what I want other people to think that I think?’ test. Thousands of dollars were offered at the Estee Lauder temple, until I saw her picture; she’s really old looking. That’s when I decided that I like me older, and Estee probably does too. No way in virtual reality would I go back to being 25 and durr. I much better like 50ish and sassy. Actually, I have started to like my cottage-cheese, white, saggy butt better too. It tends to keep all the unreal people away. It used to be a 25-year-old trophy guy magnet. That is until I got sick of getting divorced. Everyone around me now likes me, the real me. Loved reading your blog; makes me want to be bipolar too.

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