Forgiveness | Miss Crabby Ass

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Your lips are magic, so full and inviting.
But why are they moving when should be listening?
Why don’t you hear me , I have something to say.
You’re getting comfortable, undoing your shirt , there’s no need for that .
And then I feel your breath so close to my face ,
I have turn away, before I walk away. No you’re not listening,
I can’t save this for another day .

I was a cliche: a bird with broken wings-forever caged.
I never took responsibility for this prison I had built for myself. I
instead I blamed others, the people who had hurt me so much that I had swore I’d never fly again.
I thought that I was trapped by the regrets and the loss I had suffered.
Numbing myself, trying not to look at myself
I closed my eyes to something I did not want to see, This will not define me .
Time passed-slowly.
And one day I woke up. There was no more pain, only a strange sense of relief and understanding.
My cage became a sanctuary as my grip on the past loosened. Time passed again, but I was not so lonely; it gave me a chance to learn about forgiveness.
I forgave those who had hurt me and I forgave myself.Suddenly the pain was gone.

Life became valuable again.
I bow my head, I release my sins . And this I say, Amen.
And then,
I was finally free to fly.

So lately I am getting to know my son.
I feel as if something has slapped me with a dose of happiness and forgiveness. My actions long long ago when big hair and “Living on a prayer was bigger than hairspray. The age where the choices you make are forever, not like those where we made up with our friends , for us back then saying sorry was a note passed to you by the nerdy guy that farts in class.

These were not mistakes they were choices. All these years, yes 80’s up until very recently , I was a mess and numbing on a daily basis were my choices. Now I don’t want to get off track but I feel now what people have said to me years ago, until I can forgive myself, I will suffer and dwell in the past. I am getting off track of what I want to say, typical me .

The highlight of my day is Skyping with my son. Almost daily which can be hard . He lives in Alaska and I live in Amsterdam . The story goes very deep and is not only personal to me, but to my children. So just go with me on what I am saying. I am no longer living as a bitter woman , a woman with guilt and regrets. The sun is still too loud. I struggle daily with myself mentally and my addictions. Only today I am looking forward and I am capable of letting go.

My son is a upcoming rapper with his first Cd coming out. He wrote this lyrics, and this is him rapping in the song ( this song is about my late aunt who raised him). Show your support by sharing .
Thanks everyone. So now is the hardest part of the day. Yoga Patricia style!

Drinking Bipolar website

It’s really hard seein how you’ll get here
Patience is one thing you hold very dear
Yet you want it bad but you don’t wanna wait years
I say just believe it if you want it and soon you’ll hear
The crowd chant your name.. door to the frame
The girl you like in high school what’s her name
It’s everything you ever dreamed of
Haters still got that look lookin dumb
They can’t believe their eyes and seen what I’ve done
Ill give hope to the people now looking at the sun
In you never know what you had till you lost it
But you gotta stay positive and pause a bit
Just take the time in watch it
Never settle for just a pot of piss
Be spontaneous or your actions will be obvious
Haters will track you down like a cop when you slip
But dust your shoulders off if its got a chip
And naw I ain’t perfect but aye at lest I acknowledge it
But tell me when you ready to blow up
To cold for the rain when I drop like snow does
Thoughts in the brain makes it hard to cover up
But got lines for the mine and its leavin em chocked up
Sick of the cash got stacks I’ma throw up F.B.E. walks the walk
Can’t nobody roll wit us … Feet to the fire
Is what everybody told us!