Eyes wide shut. It was like I was Drinking Bipolar


I have finally moved back home!

For awhile I was away, almost a year counting a rehab. Yep I am one of those. I can recall when I first started this blog I was just out of a confusing toxic on again off again relationship. It didn’t matter that the relationship was going nowhere and was driving me insane to the point I had a breakdown. Now this is not to blame anyone and maybe I should be grateful because I was diagnosed finally with Bipolar Disorder. I had just thought that my” get up” just stopped in mid-air. It was not the case. I have been doing my best living with Bipolar and I also found a part of myself that I had been numbing for so long it’s such a terrible person. Like most of us with this disorder, and lets not forget the ADHD and my on and off again struggles with addiction, I have mood swings , so it would be hard living with anyone who is not willing to learn about the struggles that we face. It makes me angry and then I am swinging up, down and in-between.
This past year has been so hard for me. First the accepting part was hard for me. I did my best to Accept my illness and addiction which I flat out refused. I was in denial .

Now, I am no spring chicken and I get asked a lot why in the hell would I talk openly about this . My answer would be because I want to and why not? It is my way of dealing with the broken me. In the beginning the depression was so bad that I became co-dependent and lose a sense of self worth. My self esteem was non existence. Today I accept the fact that I am bipolar and will be always . I accept the fact that no amount of alcohol or drugs will numb me or allow the healing to begin. That took some time . I will just say it was the days of big hair and Motley Cure, Gun’s and Roses, and the rest of the crew. Oh yeah, I was a rocker chick , biker chick and lost addict chick. I had never really been alone . I was not one to face my fears or responsibilities. But that was then , and then out of nowhere I began to actually want to change . Live amongst the living . Also, this virtual world I had made for myself started to wear off. I missed interacting with others. I suddenly wanted knowledge , it was like I was Drinking Bipolar.

I was introduced to a site called MindBodyGreen , I had some knowledge of mindfulness, but I really didn’t give it a chance . I mean I could never imagine me being calm enough and don’t get me started on yoga much less mediation. Today I am soaking up self help as if I was back in the 80’s when self help was bigger than big. It was new and for those strange calm people that just went with the flow of life. I realized that everything can change in a minute. Somehow after digging deep and really taking a good look at myself something happened. Awareness, Change and Acceptance. .
This is totally off base with what I was going to post today, just the words came and there you have it. I am alone again and looking forward to what’s behind the next door that will be opened to me.

read more : Drinking Bipolar



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