April | 2013 | Miss Crabby Ass

I have absolutely no idea when my mojo disappeared, by mojo I mean the ability to write or share my feelings as I always do in my blog . Including my latest pastime which would be painting or rather trying to find a way to express myself through painting. Let me remind you I am no painter, still I have all the lovely paints and brushes along with a very nice paint stand . Sounds good so far, yet it still sits with a empty canvas staring at me as if I will suddenly come up with some grand masterpiece. Just like every morning , I get up look at the empty canvas giving myself a good few minutes and that is the end of my day of painting . Talk about disorders !

Today, I decided to stop avoiding the process of sharing . I awoke to what has become my daily dose of cleansing , warm lemon water , followed by a smoothie and just sat in front of the computer . I started with Facebook and and moved on to some of my favorite blogs. Within a few minutes I felt the green eyed monster rising inside of me. Why am I not expressing myself through writing ? Yes, I have a lot on my mind and just recently I have begun writing my life story. That in itself has become a chore and an awakening . Let’s save that for another time.

Normally, I have some kind of drama going on that consumes me , followed by some mind altering substance. The drama is still there but now it is my drama and not someone else’s drama. Eating healthy and of course let’s not forget the ever powerful smoothies and lemon water has replaced the unmentionables and lifted the fog in my head. Allowing me to think before being impulsive .

I still rant and rave when things are not going my way . As I write this , I know that I am a work in progress. I don’t believe that I will ever be healed or as some people put it cured. I have demons and baggage . It will always be there deep inside ( unless I find a smoothie for that too ).Sitting back and taking a break I light a cigarette ( gotta have something ) and it hits me .

It is in my character to start things and not finish them , to speak a little too much about absolutely nothing that means everything at the moment. So what, I have anxieties, which leads me to be my very own drama queen. In all honesty we all have something , finally after many years I have come to accept that I am different , I am me.

I am not perfect , I have curves and gravity has left me dumbfounded. Too be honest I wonder what happens during the night when we are in “la la land “ .

And thinking begins :

“After all, once we hit forty, women have only about four taste buds left: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate. Beyond a certain point, flat, toned, thin, and firm are all things best left to those for whom they are negotiable assets. Those of us with sufficient assets have earned the right to sit on them and be comfortable.”

Hit the rewind button: We all have choices .