Crying out loud

 

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. “
I  am not going to sugar coat this post today, something I do with humor to mask the pain that I am feeling . I woke up this morning and decided to face this head on, I am depressed, I am drinking even through I know it will kill me, it has given me a false sense of relief. I have been down this path so many times in  my life that I no longer expect  different results, I just accept it for what it is and enjoy the few hours of false enjoyment and what may be inner power, that is until I can’t anymore. I haven’t step over the line yet and today I decided to call my doctor and begin therapy again. The thought of stepping over the line haunts me and therefore I must care.
I have only had a very depression point once, during this time I can only explain that it was if I lived the same day over and over again. I am spunky and sassy so that is really not me and to be that way was more that this woman could manage . I started to have those thoughts ( the dark thoughts of helplessness)   I have always been able to guard myself against . If you are reading this and have any type of mental illness or addiction problems you will know what I am saying. There is nothing nice about a middle age woman lost in alcohol and bipolar depression. Normally I am manic. I felt the mania coming on and I welcomed it with open arms. Being so overwhelmed with health issues I embraced it. I knew that I would be creative and feeling 100% better than sitting and struggling with my emotions and sudden lost of my former self. I know that this former person who was me will never return . That is hard for me. I live alone and my support system includes me. I shut people away , those that know me look at me with pity , that I fucking hate . So, I hide , and they stop calling . After awhile i begin to self medicate because after all no one will know. And I am feeling simple wonderful , until I am not . I am sharing this because when I started this blog it was for myself , my thoughts ( and I was manic and enjoyed the making of the blog, plus I had just seen the Face-book movie  ) . I began about the lows of being diagnosed with bipolar late in life and the increase drinking that when along with it. So sort I am trying to help myself. Lately, I have not been true to myself or honest about the painful events that have taken place or what I am feeling.  I have simply buried my emotions So I joke about it instead of putting it out there for others to see. Today I awoke and there it was , the same nagging dark hole that was there yesterday . The tears come to my eyes. I finally stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. I take it all in . It is what it is.
The phone rings I have learned that my insurance has allowed me to go to a posh wellness center,  treatment center in Scotland where I can do my treatments and get the support that I need. This is hard to take in , I have many mixed feelings . I need to do this , I am afraid, it means letting go of self will and learning to have faith in something more than myself.