Does it ever stop? Does the crap ever stop? Does it ever get to the point where everything in your life is going great at the same time for any length of time? Does there ever come a day, when the warm sunny days come more frequently and last longer than the blistering cold nights?
I once thought that if I had the man my dreams and the love of my life all will be well. Wrong! I also thought that if I had the money, not a lot of money, just enough to pay the bills on time and have a little bit of change left over, things would be great. Nope!
Now, out after overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles, weathering devastating disasters, moving through mind-boggling challenges, I was ready.
As a lay in the the grass, watching my friends thousand dollar dog poop on the carpet, I finally got it! Life is about cleaning up the crap and, while you’re doing it, being okay with the fact that you have to do it. Life is about being willing to take your naked body, your most vulnerable self, out of the warm water where you are comfortable and clean up the crap without getting angry and losing your self in the process.
A word of caution. You can’t get caught up in the crap! If you do, you will surely lose sight of the real meaning of life and lose yourself as I have done. I finally understood I could not get caught up in what looks like, smells like, or how much of the crap is in front of me. There were days when I would leave the little things in my life undone, or half done, in fear of making someone mad at me, in fear of losing their love. Sometimes just to make myself look more tougher than I really was? There were times when I would sulk and cry about what I thought someone was doing or had done to me, believing that I was totally powerless to do anything about it. In many ways, I allowed myself to duck and dodge unpleasant situations in my life to avoid confrontation. I finally wanted to be the good girl, not the street girl, the biker chick, not scandalous. This, however was not one of those days, time, or ways.
I was choosing not to live like that any longer. I had spent enough days reflecting on this,in other peoples bathtubs to know that if you leave even a little bit of crap laying around in your life, eventually it will start to smell really, really bad. There are things in my life and about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am now. I have to figure out how to read my life of the nagging little struggles, bits and bouts of confusion, an unexpected chaos that continue to crop up.
It was time to tell the truth-again.
I close my eyes and listen to myself, (Candi that’s what I was called back then ) she was raging again , she was angry and she wanted me to know it. And she was a part of me that simply refuse to change, refused to grow. She was the part of me in need of healing. The part where all my fears and character flaws were hidden. This is not about having a split personality or anything like that. It was about history. Candi had a history and I was creating my own. Candi had a history of pain abuse and neglect. She had a history of doing things in a certain way, with certain expectations, based on those painful and abusive experiences. Her history and those experiences often allowed her to neglect herself in pursuit of the approval and acceptance of others. She had a history of putting off the unpleasant, waiting until the last minute to do important things, and doing whatever it took to numb the pain. I understood Candi’s history and behavior. But I also understand that I have the power to change I have the right to live in peace. Starting with transforming my way of thinking and being, and to become a productive member of humanity. Candy and I had to become one.
This is part one of the journey .