What does it feel like to have anxiety and depression?



‘Depression is like going through life like you’re trying to wade through water. Everything is an effort. I just feel so sluggish and slow. And I’ve stopped doing all the things that I used to do – nothing feels good anymore.’

‘Depression to me is like drowning, while everyone else is breathing. It’s also kind of like life in slow motion. It feels like being shackled and having no power or sense of existence. Depression is like being on the outside of everything.’

‘It feels like you can’t breathe in a room full of people, because someone might stare at you if you make the tiniest noise. You feel like everyone is always talking about you, even though they usually aren’t. Depression is different for everyone, as is anxiety, but for me depression is the feeling of being utterly alone no matter what you do. Silently crying for help but no one cares.’

‘It’s shrunk my world to the point where I don’t want to do anything around other people because I’m so terrified of making an idiot of myself.’

‘I worry all of the time; thinking about if I’ll make the bus on time; messing up at work; my daughter having to get back from a club by herself; feeling like I’m going to forget something really important; upsetting a friend; worrying about the future; a cough that just won’t go away. Sometimes I just have a bad feeling, but I can’t even really put my finger on what I’m actually worried about.’

‘(Depression) It’s like stepping into quicksand. Slowly it takes you in, until you are submerged. Can’t breathe, can’t think. After you pass through the sand, you find yourself in a dark, never ending abyss.’

‘(Depression and anxiety) It’s like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. Like feeling stupid for something you said, and ruminating in that, and then worrying about saying more stupid things the next time you have to go interact with people.’

‘Anxiety is the feeling that rushes through your chest when you are about to miss a step on the staircase or you catch your foot on a crack in the pavement, and you think, for a moment, you are going to fall. it is that feeling, but constant.’

‘My anxiety is like the feeling you get when you begin the swift descent from the highest point of a roller coaster, and your body can’t keep up.’

‘(it) feels incredibly lonely. And the frustrating thing is that things that could help make things better (such being physically active, talking to someone, going out with friends) are so much more difficult to do when you feel depressed and anxious.’




Scraped knees and all … let’s crawl






A beautiful yet chaotic mind.


Some years you crawl and you swear you’ll never walk again.

Then suddenly you’re standing and swear, never, will I crawl again.


A kind heart has held darkness,  a brilliant mind has felt madness,

Leaving a beautiful soul in a state of emotional purgatory.


Stroking my aggression, in hopes that  I can roll my eyes

  and forget that it  happened again . 


How did we arrive here,  what is the rush ?

Scraped knees and all, I whispered let’s crawl ..

Secrets to live by. The 48-hour rule.


Secrets to live by. The 48-hour rule.

I ask myself, “If I had 48 hours left to live , what would I do ? “

It makes you push aside anything that’s not truly important and focus on the things you love and make you happy! I would chose love and happiness over fun and a good night out .

It would take a special man.

A man that just “gets me” accepting my flaws and scars alike . I still have baggage that I’ve been working on leaving. I am not fragile living with shame and regret, drinking myself to the bottom of a bottle. Addicted to a kind of burning pain that leaves you mentally wounded . Trying to avoid the thinking,  highly medicated, and drinking.

Accept me as I am, or watch me as I step in these heels and wiggle my ass out the door.

Broken I am not.

A chaotic imperfect hot mess, definitely!

Inhaling the essence of a passionate soul lost long ago.
Gone is the prison and it’s heavy chains, replaced by walls of boundaries, that will not be crossed.

Settling is not an option.

This was the conversation last night  

I have never really gotten into the online dating thing . I am an addict, I have emotional scars , Behind the smile , there are still moments of great shame and regret.  I understand that I can not undo the past, I now put effort into letting  go.  I assume this will be a on going process.

So there it is .. After waiting a few minutes , I was not surprised when the real person showed up. As the conversation went south,  It took no time for me and my new high heels to wiggle my ass out of there .

As i was looking for a taxi , I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen in many years . Bottom line is the night wasn’t wasted.

Yet, I couldn’t  help but  wonder, what was this guy doing while I was sitting there having the all important first date conversation ? As I recall he played with hair quite a bit, and was playing his clothes every 5 secs..

Lets’ just call it a day and  image that somewhere in there was a woman dying to come out and bitch slap him back to the 80’s . .

Apparently, ” I’m a woman” and and I have “feelings” and those” feelings” are activated through my vagina.

How should I process that shit ? I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

I’m dangerous when I know what I am doing and know who’s doing it to me.

When a woman says “don’t make me go there”, wait 2 mins and she’s there .   I don’t negotiate .


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That would be me


“I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn’t handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”

This is how I felt last year and here I am again , minus the heavy drug use and that’s scary. I don’t always feel like me any more, like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I am evolving and changing into someone different, but with some of the same likenesses.

By accident I realize that today is my birthdaytumblr_mnspy3zJou1sop9rfo1_500

So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.

Really? Back to Timeout


I couldn’t sleep last night . Finally around 3 am I took 2 sleeping pills.   I really needed to have more than 4 hours of sleep.   

My body is weak from not eating, I had to break down and eat something . It wasn’t much but it was something.

Now back to procrastinating today’s events.  

Smoking a cigarette and checking my email. I am jolted wide awake . My ex will be here at 12:30.  Shit , I have to get dressed and tidy up.

Can’t have anyone thinking I have lost it, can I ?  That’s the thing with isolation, it makes you lazy as fuck


Needing more veggies and celery I have finally picked myself up and went shopping .  The weather is nice, the sun feels good on my face.   I decide to head towards the bookstore and get a motivational book by my favorite author.  While I am out I noticed that my vision is blurred, my legs have no strength and my overall condition is not good.   Since I am obsessing over my weight and not eating, I am getting no real exercise.   I make yet another promise, I will walk everyday for 45 mins.    

I will not drink today as I have slipped for the past few days .

Another secret .

I have begun to clean up this mess that surrounds me  and that means the bathroom.   Don’t get me wrong , I am not a dirty person, but during this time I am not really that focus on my household chores, instead I am stuck at the computer writing all day.   I bought all the cleaning supplies needed yet I have not made it there yet.   

I did not buy alcohol.

Note to self: Find the stepper and give your blood circulating as well as a bit of exercise.

I was just surprised when someone from a publishing company called me , my first question.   How much ?    And how do you know I am writing , feeling a bit paranoid I ask them to call back.   I need to google this.   I am not a writer except for my blog .   My blog introduced me to putting my feelings of depression , bipolar which I still have doubts about and my struggles of addiction in on paper.

Are you fucking kidding me.   I come out of my bitch cave by going online on Facebook answering emails and  even began chatting on Skype.

I have cleaned the damn bathroom ,  painted my nails, plucked the brows ( I wonder how they look since I can’t see shit ) and dyed my hair.  Leaving it into long as I was yet again procrastinating .

All of a sudden the phone is going mad crazy “ ding, ding, ding “ with notifications .   Normally I do not really pay that much attention.   But this was getting insane..   Screaming in my head.  ” What the fuck do you want” ?   I took a look and one of my email accounts have been hacked .

I am still getting emails from people asking me why am I sending them info concerning  viagra or invitations to a gay site for men. The  screaming voicemails from my ex’s made it clear that I needed to handle this.

I am slowly edging my way back into time out.   

Drinking Bipolar On A Timeout


Screw the stress, I have a new attitude lately. It’s called “I don’t give a shit “

Needing a time-out ( before I lose the few cookies that I have left ) might be making me a bit looney.
I have been this way for about 2 weeks now .
I don’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything . Since starting this little time-out, I have been keeping a journal of my odd behavior.  Today I took a look back at my writings. I found nothing strange about being on lockdown, wanting no interruptions from the outside world and the drama around it. But then again am I headed for the danger zone ?

Sitting here in whatever I want , it could be my jammies or a tank top and panties.

I sit and think about what I can procrastinate about each day.

No eating and smoking like I never have, and my strange obsession with the 12 vitamins that I take daily. Thinking about nothing except that of moment .

And then this happened !

Jumped up this morning to the sound of my annoying doorbell. It sounds more like the door of a prison cell shutting only a tad louder. Anyway, whoever it was left. I thankfully exhaled.

For fuck sakes I had curlers in my hair. Still it is not clear why I have curlers in my hair. Maybe it is because I have to drag myself out to the shops. I wish the shops were closer . Umm delivery ?

After doing some serious thinking , I will be able to manage with the last roll of toilet paper until tomorrow. You see, the thing is I have this phobia when it comes to toilet paper . When down to the last roll , I panic, no really I panic!

There it is, another secret .

It has been like this since I can remember. I wonder if I had some childhood trauma which I was limited to the toilet paper .

Note to self: Ask mom if she abused me with the toilet paper.

Not caring has amounted to me having a pile of unwanted post. Left unopened !
I suppose it is time to ‘snap out of it”. But I can’t bear the thought of all the stress that I have to look forward too. Again I have made the daily promise that tomorrow I will “get it together and stop living in my head “.

Ah shit , and it was so comfortable !

Sitting and smoking cigarettes and procrastinating . How I am so busy with nothing is mind-boggling. Right at this very moment , I am smoking a cigarette and thinking about cleaning the bathroom.

I really hate that job and it shows. But since I am have company coming tomorrow I must find the willpower to clean the damn bathroom. I just had an ah ha moment , “call it off “ it’s only the BP doctor coming to have a chat . As I have made it clear that I am not leaving the house.

I have cleared my mind and would not be able to share . Who am I kidding , of course he is coming.

My smoking too much is really it is out of control since I have stopped with eating. Only eating crackers and my own homemade no fat tzatziki, sometimes spinach and an egg, or watery and tasteless soup.

I am consumed with how much water I am drinking , however I bend up a whole celery stock and drink it daily only to expel the water  . Celery is what now brings me to the yard , these are the  I have to go out.

Today I have done my best to limit myself to 10 cigarettes. I have smoked 9. It’s 6 pm.
Since I am still on the “I don’t care “ way of life . I will smoke undercover , just for today .
I want the evening to last , I want to enjoy every minute of my “I don’t care, no eating , smoking “ evening .

I have stopped many times while writing this , and still the bathroom has not been touched. Knowing me the way I do, I will get around to it sometime around midnight . But seeing that it is
10:00 pm now I have stopped allowing myself to nag over the bathroom. Tomorrow I will get up early and get cleaning products.

I have smoke 6 cigarettes since 6 pm.

I write all day long. I want to write a book , since I have started writing it could be that I am doing whatever it is that writers do to get the pages rolling . Personally, I just shut down for a day or two and found that my not giving a shit became a protective shield.

After all I am bipolar.

In conclusion I may have to come out of the corner , this timeout could go on forever not to mention I am screaming for cancer with all this crazy smoking . But don’t hold me to that just yet .
Let’s wait and see what tomorrow holds.

Oh shit I am out of toilet paper

Hey I have been nominated for the Liebster Award!  Thanks D.Zucho




Just a hot mess

I am not perfect, I know that very well, but that is OK. I embrace my perfect imperfectness because if I do not, no one will.

I am sensitive and struggle with insecurities due to the choices I have made along the way. Learned to hate myself, to my very core before I knew how to love who I am.
I was destroyed by others, left a shell, all because of the cover on my book. I was and still am defined by my cover, but to be measured by the content of my character would be divine.

I am…. I am not perfect, but unique and strong and resilient and better I will become.. I am a mother, a daughter, I am a best friend but also a worst enemy. I am romantic, tender and sentimental, but also passionate, seductive and erotic. I am reserved and shy, but can become bold and determined. I am guarded and private, but can become an open book with the right person.

I wear my heart on my sleeve as it tends to rule my life…. those I love, I love ‘til death and I love deeply whether they ask for it or not. I am un-judging, tolerant and accepting, and can become quite stubborn because of that. I am down to earth, quite grounded indeed but my mind wanders through the clouds for I am creative and wild. I am sensitive, this multi meaning of words, sensitive towards self, sensitive to others (human or animal) and sensitive to the unseen. I take things to heart, but I am not easily offended, except by blatant personal attacks which is where the line gets drawn.

Life is an adventure filled with risks. Life should not be filled with regrets. I can tell you that while I have lots of work to do on myself to improve, I would never strive to be perfect. I will always be able to improve on who I am, but to be quite honest, there is no one else I’d rather be!

Before you judge a book by its cover, sit your ass down and open the book
PERFECTLY CIVILIZED ( a look back in time)

Drinking Bipolar

Lemons and midlife