In The Bitch Cave

In The Bitch Cave.

In The Bitch Cave

Bipolar Baggage, up up and away

Bipolar Baggage, up up and away.

Being clear in the mind, and honest in my heart , I am just sick of settling. I am enjoying my time alone, yet I am missing the joys of sharing my thoughts and life with someone.

I am excellent at pretending. Pretending I am interested in whatever the current topic of conversation may be; when, in fact, I am entirely, momentarily (hopefully), hollowed out, numb, incapable of communication on anything other than a basic level: “Yes. No. Okay”; when all I want is the conversation to end, as soon as possible, as painlessly as possible, but for it to do so would involve me being able to talk, to explain – a dark irony not lost on me as I stare at the table top.

This is not an ongoing thing but I have baggage . I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. Sometimes I talk too much, I am forgetful, I have mood swings. I cuss too much and on the other side I love too much .
Personally, my mania has lead to anger, cursing and inappropriate behavior. Not exactly the stuff of good relationships no matter what your diagnosis. I have been in a relationship that has turned into a brother, sister, mommy, kiddie thing. It has taken me many years of pain and disappointments to fully understand that I am deserving of a partner that loves me and my flaws. Everyone comes with baggage and I am carrying enough baggage to fill up an entire 747 plane.

I am not sure how I wanted this post to start or end, I do know that sitting here on this Sunday morning , I am OK.
I have started the day with my wonderful smoothies and of course hot lemon water instead of coffee. I have made another bowl of lovely cabbage soup ( yet it is getting boring, so today I spiced it up a bit ) . I went to just check to see if all this effort in this veggie , smoothie, cabbage soup diet is working and pleased to see I am fitting better in my clothes. Now , regardless of being bipolar , I am human and did the cabbage soup dance !

So what I have baggage , Who the hell doesn’t ?

My website :

I know that Christmas has passed . I suppose that it was OK considering I just got out of the “nut house” . Still I was very disappointed. As Oprah would say ” when someone shows you who they are , believe them the first time . So for the first time I am going to open up about you and I .
I guess finding a place to start this letter is the most difficult. I know that I have a lot to say, but what I know even more is that none of it really matters. Anything that I could say to you right now would be made up of all the things that I’ve said to you before to try and give you some “perspective”, but for some reason it never seems to work. If only you could jump inside my head, maybe things would be easier
It absolutely amazes me almost every time it happens. you manage to say or do something that to you is simple but to me is huge. Sometimes you say and do things to me that you have no idea how hurtful they are. I wanted to share something I am really excited over and directly you found fault ..If it was your idea of course it would be different. I won’t get into that much because I know that you just can’t help yourself . And I have been busy with this and your acceptance isnt important. I’m not even really sure what to do about it now. Things that should be obvious to you just are not. you always say you want me to do the nice sweet nothings for you, but what about those simple sweet nothing for me? you need to wake up and smell the coffee, this is a two way street, not a one way that leads directly to you. everything i say, do, and ask for you’re not always going to agree with, but that’s part of a relationship. it’s not all about you, even though most of the time it seems that way. partly that is my fault given i just let it happen, but mostly it’s YOU! you seriously need to think sometimes about what you’re about to say, because too much of the time it’s rude and inconsiderate.Your lack of affection leaves me sleepless and your short temper leaves me insecure. I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but now you know just how it feels. You have no idea just how much i care about you, but you might be able to grasp that if if you started acting more civil and taking others into consideration. You’re losing your chances to ever enjoy me again. And you know what? I’m starting not to care.
I can walk away now…. and unless something very good happens and God puts some empthay in your heart I will.
So please, please wake up and realize how special we are so we can stop dancing around each other like this..

I wish my Dad were still alive, I could use a father right about now… I just want scream at the world because I don’t know that everything’s all right.


A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

– – by Sonny Carroll

…You saw this coming, didn’t you? Ending any post with, “I’m doing okay” means… Be careful, the shit is about to hit the fan. But not always. Sometimes it is easier to just keep thinking “hey , everything is great.. I am fine and keep going ” I sometimes feel this is the inner me fighting to stay on top of the B.S that can and would come out if I allow myself to get so far.. OK , maybe I am not making much sense at the moment. I do not feel manic nor depressed today. I just feel ” like me”.
But I am waiting for something to happen to put me into drama , crisis or whatever you choose to call it. Then it hits me … No drama today. I feel as if my ” self wishing and talking will overcome any battle I face today )
I had a good day today. I had one of those days where my self esteem was stroked like a purring little kitten.
I am slowly getting back into the routine of things. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I am really confused and excited all at the same time! Work has been quite hard but good recently. I identified a number of potential errors and did my best to correct them. It was a stretch for me to do this but after the initial anxieties of calling people I did enjoy it. It is Saturday and my weekend starts on Friday, so Thursday doing what any normal bipolar would do I had the need to enjoy and party a bit. Friday was spent recovering Pffff

Today on this bright Saturday morning I awoke to the feeling that I had many things to do. I felt good.. I still feel OK, I also checked the mailbox this morning and I finally got my invitation to call and be seen by the top Dutch doctor here in Amsterdam. I am very happy about that but it means having to start yet another relationship and tell my “story”. again . I felt very comfortable with my doctor now but he admits that he hasn’t had many dealings with” someone like me ” Great!!!
Me as a whole just wants what everyone wants.. happiness and someone to share that with.

I so want to make friends, I love people and I hate being on my own. I am making really good progress and I have my own blog, which I have been writing for just over a 3 weeks now.

I have suffered in silence most of my life – When I kept getting diagnosed with depression and prescribed more drugs I said I thought I had social phobia. It has taken me years and been so difficult to get any help! I want to share my experience in the hope that it may help others. Mainly I write for myself, it is my new freedom into my mind. I haven’t had many people reading my blog yet. I am a bit afraid to allow it to merge with my address book. I mean I am on every social network you can think of… but what about work and my coworkers reading this. I have a part of me that says it will be helpful for them to understand me … but also to see inside a very personal part of my life. I do not feel ashamed of my bipolar anymore .. but I do have moments when I may just write anything , only to wake up the next day to hear “hey so and so is very upset about what you wrote. should I care , since starting this blog I feel that my feelings get to come out .. I haven’t allowed myself to really get that personal but I feel that I am on my way.

I am trying to make myself happy :o(