Being clear in the mind, and honest in my heart , I am just sick of settling. I am enjoying my time alone, yet I am missing the joys of sharing my thoughts and life with someone.
I am excellent at pretending. Pretending I am interested in whatever the current topic of conversation may be; when, in fact, I am entirely, momentarily (hopefully), hollowed out, numb, incapable of communication on anything other than a basic level: “Yes. No. Okay”; when all I want is the conversation to end, as soon as possible, as painlessly as possible, but for it to do so would involve me being able to talk, to explain – a dark irony not lost on me as I stare at the table top.
This is not an ongoing thing but I have baggage . I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. Sometimes I talk too much, I am forgetful, I have mood swings. I cuss too much and on the other side I love too much .
Personally, my mania has lead to anger, cursing and inappropriate behavior. Not exactly the stuff of good relationships no matter what your diagnosis. I have been in a relationship that has turned into a brother, sister, mommy, kiddie thing. It has taken me many years of pain and disappointments to fully understand that I am deserving of a partner that loves me and my flaws. Everyone comes with baggage and I am carrying enough baggage to fill up an entire 747 plane.
I am not sure how I wanted this post to start or end, I do know that sitting here on this Sunday morning , I am OK.
I have started the day with my wonderful smoothies and of course hot lemon water instead of coffee. I have made another bowl of lovely cabbage soup ( yet it is getting boring, so today I spiced it up a bit ) . I went to just check to see if all this effort in this veggie , smoothie, cabbage soup diet is working and pleased to see I am fitting better in my clothes. Now , regardless of being bipolar , I am human and did the cabbage soup dance !
So what I have baggage , Who the hell doesn’t ?
My website : www.brokenopenscars.com
Life = full of up & downs? (womeninjail.wordpress.com)
- Improving Mood Symptoms In Children And Adolescents At Risk For Bipolar Disorder Through Family Intervention (medicalnewstoday.com)
- Carrie Fisher: Hospitalized After Bipolar-Related Cruise Ship Performance (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- Eyes wide shut. It was like I was Drinking Bipolar (misscrabbyass.wordpress.com)
- Hotline Offers Numerous Resources For Sufferers of Bipolar Disorder (prweb.com)
I know that Christmas has passed . I suppose that it was OK considering I just got out of the “nut house” . Still I was very disappointed. As Oprah would say ” when someone shows you who they are , believe them the first time . So for the first time I am going to open up about you and I .
I guess finding a place to start this letter is the most difficult. I know that I have a lot to say, but what I know even more is that none of it really matters. Anything that I could say to you right now would be made up of all the things that I’ve said to you before to try and give you some “perspective”, but for some reason it never seems to work. If only you could jump inside my head, maybe things would be easier
It absolutely amazes me almost every time it happens. you manage to say or do something that to you is simple but to me is huge. Sometimes you say and do things to me that you have no idea how hurtful they are. I wanted to share something I am really excited over and directly you found fault ..If it was your idea of course it would be different. I won’t get into that much because I know that you just can’t help yourself . And I have been busy with this and your acceptance isnt important. I’m not even really sure what to do about it now. Things that should be obvious to you just are not. you always say you want me to do the nice sweet nothings for you, but what about those simple sweet nothing for me? you need to wake up and smell the coffee, this is a two way street, not a one way that leads directly to you. everything i say, do, and ask for you’re not always going to agree with, but that’s part of a relationship. it’s not all about you, even though most of the time it seems that way. partly that is my fault given i just let it happen, but mostly it’s YOU! you seriously need to think sometimes about what you’re about to say, because too much of the time it’s rude and inconsiderate.Your lack of affection leaves me sleepless and your short temper leaves me insecure. I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but now you know just how it feels. You have no idea just how much i care about you, but you might be able to grasp that if if you started acting more civil and taking others into consideration. You’re losing your chances to ever enjoy me again. And you know what? I’m starting not to care.
I can walk away now…. and unless something very good happens and God puts some empthay in your heart I will.
So please, please wake up and realize how special we are so we can stop dancing around each other like this..
I wish my Dad were still alive, I could use a father right about now… I just want scream at the world because I don’t know that everything’s all right.