Riding the special bus , me and a hillbilly without his moonshine

 

Riding the special bus , me and a hillbilly without his moonshine.

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Midlife: A Beginner's Guide to Blur
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Hiding and Waiting

I have been hiding and at some point, depression put a veil over me. The sun hurts my eyes and makes me have a horrible headache, but colors are dull. I feel dull in general. I feel waterlogged and every day existence is a struggle. My energy is non-existent; there’s nothing I can do to pull myself out of it. I feel like the world is collapsing on me … and I get to a point that I don’t care if it does.

I feel like I am fading away, that if I died, no one would notice because my existence has faded to nothingness anyway. People make me even crazier. If someone comes to visit, I feel nervous and even down right pissed off at them and myself because I feel like a failure in everyday tasks, like washing clothes, doing dishes, keeping up the house at all. I can’t concentrate to read (which I really hate). Life feels so black, like there’s no point in it at all. I feel like a joke. On more than one occasion, I’ve attempted suicide.

That is why I haven’t written. I am back at work and because I must appear better and sane. I am not fooling myself. I have to practice my every move in the mirror. It takes hours to get to the office which is five minutes away. So I just couldn’t be bothered to write. I don’t feel depressed now and I don’t feel manic. But I am waiting, as always. These days, the jumping (as I call it) will come again.

I have the feeling that the world is about to fall on top of me. Still I am handling it the best way that I can. I have stopped the partying and binge drinking. This weekend was very nice. I even felt relaxed. Then I got scared.