The Hell With Conversations. Is this a Spiritual Awakening ?

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“The moment when I accepted that I am Addicted.
I became grateful a dopeless hope-fiend,
instead of the hopeless dope-fiend”

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It’s not like it never occurred to me that I was afraid of change .

I am so sick of this baggage. have been here before and I’m not going back again!

Opening my scars

 

The emotions are so raw , it’s hard to not get caught up in it all.

Skipping unhappily down memory lane,

I have stirred the shit up now .
My heart is aching and scarred, All the forgotten memories
turning me upside down again.

I sit, I think , I reflect ,

Another day of looking back at me
Add another page , only to hit delete again.
Not “shit” to say until I release myself from this prison I’ve been in.

Everyday I deal with this, a paragraph at a time .

The sun is too loud , I feel freedom
I’m going to change my ways.

Add another page

Acceptance , and NOT accepting the things that I cannot change.

Not Accepting that Addiction is forever, thinking of the moderation that never came.
Having no faith, the door has always remained open.

It’s been a hot chilly mess that I have been sitting in

And it hits me

Honesty is what I’m dealing with, an emotional intervention.

In the deep of own madness of shame and regret .
So many stories running around in my head, I am breaking the silence with myself.

Self destructive or an Awakening?

 

” Do I give in, give up or get up , wake up and accept right now”

 

Knowing that I had a book in me somewhere.

 I decided to take a timeout and went about the journey of creating a bestseller.

Ok I had maybe 10 pages of nothing  and several software tools for writing .

I had it all planned out.

Setting myself up in a way that I would just talk and let the computer do the rest.

Stocking up on cigarettes, and avoiding everyone I dug in.

The first week was a whole lot of smoking , thinking and deleting .

I read the first few pages. Confused and thinking I did not tell you to write this shit!!

My THOUGHTS: Has my Mac had a crack attack ?

“Time to cut the shit and get busy “, I would get free pass on this . I let my finger get to work and I start over again.

I would have to get honest.

I almost quit then  .  Re-living  this shit is going to kill me !

That was four weeks ago , I am not dead . Just a bruised and bandaged

Spiritual Awakening ?   I fucking hope so.

 

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I have used alcohol and drugs to be normal. This is not preschool shit,
I have been using for over 30 years of course I am not fucking normal. .

I am a grandma, I am a mother. I am a daughter , I am a sister.
I am a addict!  Sick of lovin’ baggage

I am not an addict that goes out and enjoy partying with friends , living it up, laughing at nothing at all .. hanging in bars, drunk on my sins, being hungover fucking off work again. It has been along time since I rolled over forgetting about the man laying beside me . I have been through, “when I get 30 years old, I will stop, ok, when I get 40 “that’s it”!I have already done these things.
Instead of accepting change , because in my mind I can’t change .
I will die.
That is what I accepted .
I didn’t just want to get fucked up. Nope, this time I knew that it would be my last . .Simply just letting go. Letting go ……It’s over and silent now.
I have been sharing on another blog (MCA), but I found it hard to share here on this blog. mainly for the fact that it is linked to my Facebook and Twitter. By the way I will be changing my social network settings. It’s about to be unleashed . It’s personalI have secrets to let go I never understood that , how you have to let go of secrets.  I take deep breath as I am feeling fear now .I have been struggling . I guess that is why I had to lockdown. I have been fooling myself lately, no let me refrain that . I thought that I could handle a my addiction. Drinking a bit here and there…. until I wanted more and more.

Fuck letting go, I just ignored it . The ceiling could not hold the shame .
Feeling helpless Yes I am a mother What do I look like ? Check Facebook.Please don’t allow my mistakes to define you .Abandoned ? I’m sorry.
Sinking into depression, am I back here again.

I wrote this the other day. I struggled with myself about if I would share this . It was as if I saw the Addicted Me for the very first time. I saw and felt years of pain. It came down to get it over with, or survive. Not feeling so much like a survivor,  I dropped to my knees.I prayed for a higher power, which shocked me. I grew up going to school on Sunday’s..Yet,
I found myself begging God to let me back into “the circle of trust
The circle of his love.

I would like to thank the ladies that offered phone numbers , held me as I cried , as I fell to my knees. You stayed with me for many hours. You did not judge me. you watched as the guilt and shame lifted off my shoulders . You tucked me in bed with a hug,

I did not suffer alone . And I thank you .

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake

.Acceptance in The Big Book
The Faith Gene – Belief in a Higher Power
Help Yourself out of Depression
How To Know If Someone Is Clinically Depressed
Big Book Online
Narcotics Anonymous
Bipolar Disorder and Addiction
Bipolar and Addiction
Bipolar disorder and alcoholism: Are they related?

-The Shade Tree Choir-
Scar Tissue: Anthony Kiedis, 

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