Screw the stress, I have a new attitude lately. It’s called “I don’t give a shit “
Needing a time-out ( before I lose the few cookies that I have left ) might be making me a bit looney. I have been this way for about 2 weeks now . . I don’t want to be bothered with anyone or anything . Since starting this little time-out, I have been keeping a journal of my odd behavior. Today I took a look back at my writings. I found nothing strange about being on lockdown, wanting no interruptions from the outside world and the drama around it. But then again am I headed for the danger zone ?
Sitting here in whatever I want , it could be my jammies or a tank top and panties.
I sit and think about what I can procrastinate about each day.
No eating and smoking like I never have, and my strange obsession with the 12 vitamins that I take daily. Thinking about nothing except that of moment .
And then this happened !
Jumped up this morning to the sound of my annoying doorbell. It sounds more like the door of a prison cell shutting only a tad louder. Anyway, whoever it was left. I thankfully exhaled.
For fuck sakes I had curlers in my hair. Still it is not clear why I have curlers in my hair. Maybe it is because I have to drag myself out to the shops. I wish the shops were closer . Umm delivery ?
After doing some serious thinking , I will be able to manage with the last roll of toilet paper until tomorrow. You see, the thing is I have this phobia when it comes to toilet paper . When down to the last roll , I panic, no really I panic!
There it is, another secret .
It has been like this since I can remember. I wonder if I had some childhood trauma which I was limited to the toilet paper .
Note to self: Ask mom if she abused me with the toilet paper.
Not caring has amounted to me having a pile of unwanted post. Left unopened ! I suppose it is time to ‘snap out of it”. But I can’t bear the thought of all the stress that I have to look forward too. Again I have made the daily promise that tomorrow I will “get it together and stop living in my head “.
I really hate that job and it shows. But since I am have company coming tomorrow I must find the willpower to clean the damn bathroom. I just had an ah ha moment , “call it off “ it’s only the BP doctor coming to have a chat . As I have made it clear that I am not leaving the house.
I have cleared my mind and would not be able to share . Who am I kidding , of course he is coming.
My smoking too much is really it is out of control since I have stopped with eating. Only eating crackers and my own homemade no fat tzatziki, sometimes spinach and an egg, or watery and tasteless soup.
I am consumed with how much water I am drinking , however I bend up a whole celery stock and drink it daily only to expel the water . Celery is what now brings me to the yard , these are the I have to go out.
Today I have done my best to limit myself to 10 cigarettes. I have smoked 9. It’s 6 pm. Since I am still on the “I don’t care “ way of life . I will smoke undercover , just for today . I want the evening to last , I want to enjoy every minute of my “I don’t care, no eating , smoking “ evening .
I have stopped many times while writing this , and still the bathroom has not been touched. Knowing me the way I do, I will get around to it sometime around midnight . But seeing that it is 10:00 pm now I have stopped allowing myself to nag over the bathroom. Tomorrow I will get up early and get cleaning products.
I have smoke 6 cigarettes since 6 pm.
I write all day long. I want to write a book , since I have started writing it could be that I am doing whatever it is that writers do to get the pages rolling . Personally, I just shut down for a day or two and found that my not giving a shit became a protective shield.
After all I am bipolar.
In conclusion I may have to come out of the corner , this timeout could go on forever not to mention I am screaming for cancer with all this crazy smoking . But don’t hold me to that just yet . Let’s wait and see what tomorrow holds.
Oh shit I am out of toilet paper
Hey I have been nominated for the Liebster Award! Thanks D.Zucho