87  Miss Crabby Ass

Happy August

It is incredibly hot here in Amsterdam right now, even with the air conditioner and a few fans my apartment is still pretty hot. But only on days like this and we don’t normally have these kind of days. Still maybe it’s a good thing because I have gotten out of the house and lot started swimming more. Today I went on the scale and I could see ♥ lost weight. This made me incredibly happy , inspired and also gave me the added motivation to get up and go back to the pool today.

I have a lot of serious thinking to do. I need to be realistic and focus on what it is that I want to do. After some serious thinking and because this great offer to just up and move I had to slow down and really think about it. Why am I rushing , that is how I make mistakes, my judgement isn’t as sharp. I am determined not to make the same mistake again.

So after a long conversation last night I just spilled my feelings right out there. The person understood And I agreed come down on weekend and see if this is something that I really want to do.

After all I am still grieving a little bit about the loss of a 6 yr. relationship.

Some days are good and some days are bad. I do you realize that I am running away, but that’s just the way I’m going to have to deal with it, you know to move on. I mean this wasn’t a normal relationship and break-ups are a once a week occurrence.
Not normal because it causes me mental distress. Anyway I won’t get into all that as I am not allowing myself to get caught up again with my emotions.

Emotions. I live by my emotions a lot and therefore I’m not thinking with my head but my heart. So I’m using all of this in other areas of life. In simple words,
” woman, get a grip , it’s your life and your bad choices ( emotional choices )that have caused havoc in your life” Slow down take down, take care of yourself and exhale”!

last night I was dong things for myself, you know handling my business, and it occurred to me that I am exhaling . I felt humble and focus on “staying in the now” .

For the past 2 weeks I have made a big effort to just deal with me, myself and I. I knew that I was not being as healthy as I could be .. Really I had stopped making any effort . I feel better ( and lighter ) . I started to paint again, learning by online classes. I found that I was really putting some passion in it . A few days ago I stayed up very late and just let my mind go and focus . It was very calming and I am proud of the outcome. ….. Yes, I know that I am a beginner. Just the fact that I just didn’t sit and start painting some circles and squares was wonderful. I absolutely wanted to learn. At the bottom of this post are some links for beginners. I am starting with acrylic painting. I made the mistake of trying to oil paint and it was a complete nightmare .

My back is still serious issue however I’m just waiting for a surgery date. My back has gone out on me like 4 times this week which is a lot. I am refusing the addictive medication such as oxycontin, as I don’t need another habit . I am trying something new which relieves pain in the nerves instead . After looking it up, a side affect is weight gain , drowsiness , and finally it says it can be addicting if used long term . I tried it yesterday and just threw up a lot. Stayed determined to stick with the smoothies. Today I feel OK , so before the heat rolls in I will clean and shower … then run like hell out of the devils personal sauna .

No, it’s not even that bad until it reaches 30c. Time to make a move !!!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Gaslighting

Art work shop with Paul


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