After yesterday’s post of me expressing my frustration, I felt the need to post again. I had to reach deep and allow myself to be frustrated even anger, but I have learned to work through it instead of allowing this little mean spirited devil to eat me alive.
While I feel the same emotions. I feel them with the understanding that this too shall pass!
It takes a lot of effort to put me first . This is not at all the norm for me.
So of course I am not going to get all “holy than thou” on you.
I am just saying that at times my heart re-breaks, it is natural when all you have is memories of the ones you left behind. I will stop on that subject, it is not my intention to dwell in things that I cannot change.
Impulsive behaviour : is not an option!
By now, if you still have half a cookie left , you have now figured out that I am having some serious stress about things that I cannot change. I am truly having to dig deep and let it go.
I had to say goodbye to someone that I love very much,. The bipolar dutchess came out , or maybe it was the former addict and the behavior of my former self that caused me to become overwhelmed with self pity , so much that it has taken my breath away. I have struggled with so much in my lifetime that I should be able to mourn without crawling into myself as if I am hiding from the bleeding heart that I have today .
Write, I tell myself, just write. It doesn’t have to make sense , just write it out . How can I explain the sky burning ? How to comprehend that I need to let it burn. That exhaling is painful. I want to be alone . And then again I need to feel the burn , the lost, the great love I have ever known .
I know it is time to say goodbye. Panic hits! There is no Why, so I can do only one thing and keep chasing faith . For someday I will follow you . I will follow you without pain, without the daily struggle of just being me.
I have been on complete lockdown, turning the ringer off the phones, not looking at my emails, as if I am preparing to open the curtains and see that the scales are not unbalance, as if I am seeing pure happiness for the first time. There you are .
The tears roll down my face , my heart aches, I want to numb.
I am not sure if I should post this? I always feel that I have to be strong and the one that will take no shit , my smiles are a front . Here and I am sharing my soul and the pain has me crumbling .
This I can not deny.
Two hours later: My eyes are burning. I cried . I cried for the young me, the selfish me, the loving me, the addict me, the ones I walked away from, the impulsive me , the me that I am now and the me that is a work in progress.
It was as if you whispered, Wake up, I’ll be by your side ,
Numbing the pain : is not an option!
All my love, T