Struggling and Humility
It is very easy to sit down and blog about what everyone wants to hear. I have done it . Sometimes, with no regret. But, I always feel the need to pour it all out in some form or other.
Most of my readers have followed me into depression, deeper depression, writing drunk, struggling to be sober, rehab, the big spiritual awaking , and finally fighting my struggle to hang on to such an awaking .
I had a very hard week this week. And me being me , I just forced myself to ignore the feelings that would resurfaced regardless of what the outside was showing .
I have always been a person to fit into any crowd. I have done so much shit in my life that it has taught me to be non-judgemental of those I come across.
This week, while trying to promote a product ( yes, me . getting off the couch and doing a daily pursuit of finding just one sponsor for a new product) I was suddenly met with my past. It was harsh. I was gutted , the good mood, good intentions, got the best of me . I started off with my head up. I left in a big hurry with one intention in mind. Those intentions were met with a huge fight within myself. I know that I have said that I threw away all the numbers, but come on people. Let’s get real here. If I want a number, I would really find it.
Old phone books, USB sticks, old sim cards , as I keep everything . I could do only one thing at that moment , go to bed, I knew that I would look at it very different the next day. I am so very grateful that I gave in and went home with my friend . Yet at some point I was looking for any excuse to jump into the next taxi.
Sleepy eyed, the struggle went on, jump in a taxi leaving with some stupid ass excuse that fooled know one except myself . Ending up either worst than before or so guilt ridden that I would hide yet again in the shame and guilt .
Morning came : I was less negative but not much. The craving was gone, but it still took a few hours to get my head in the right direction. I had a phone call from a very good friend, someone who knew me well.
Honestly, I did not want to take the phone. I answered and this friend knew I needed a timeout . You know who you are , I thank you . I wasn’t offered a way out, instead I was offered time for myself, It was as if lightning had struck me . I need to step back and re-group.
I do not let a lot of people to see my pain, the struggle or even allow them to offer a hand. It hit me, I am still not honest , I still am trying to control things. I am not accepting or having the courage to believe, in anything other than my own being . It was a blow. Not a bad blow , but it was a “ah-ha” moment. I have been offered help, Yet I am still not allowing myself to have faith and letting go of my controlling my own life ( as if that went so well in the past).
As addicts, or those hanging on to the edge of any mental illness , we know this well. So I will assume if you fit into this category you too will “get it”.
Many of us have little or no self esteem, we get to the point that it just doesn’t matter. basically we give in to our own personal demons. You do not have to be an addict sitting on skid row , you do not have to be someone with a disorder , you may be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, a career woman, young , old, fat, skinky, co-dependant, and the list goes on.
We have demons.
I have had demons for so long, the demons that just took over. You feel no self worth leading to self pity and more often than not substance abuse of some kind. No matter how you try, your demons are controlling your inner self being, robbing you of something I personally refer to as “being able to shine”.
I am home now. I am OK. I am grateful, I won the fight this time, but I didn’t win alone, I grabbed the hand that was offered. I let go.