Riding the special bus , me and a hillbilly without his moonshine

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I am having to force myself to start writing again.

I am such a chatterbox , with thoughts spinning in my head that I have a hard time even answering myself. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I do have everlasting conversations with myself . Normally it starts in my sleep until the moment I wake up bitching about something that means nothing , either this is normal for middle age or I am just used to the morning bitch hour that I have with myself . Do I look fat today? Did I get older last night ?When did my hair get this thin and why are my feet so rough, reminding me of my grandma. jumping within seconds to doing a rewind , looking in the mirror thinking .. ahhh you look pretty good for an old broad.

Good Lord, don’t even let me try something on and it doesn’t fit . I have been known to throw mirrors out the window from my apt which is on the 3rd floor. I guess they all think I am riding the “special bus” .

You see I got off track again. The point was I have just been quiet lately. I have had some stress and it is a real challenge , because I have blocked out a lot of stress and emotions. I have never really had anything close to this problem. You see I have played this little game that in time turned into my own bad reality show. The game is numbing the feelings and I am very good at this game. The game has a name: “Addiction”.

I have been pretty open about this addiction, in my blogs and other sites. I didn’t mind making fun of it . IT being the saddest that I have expressed , the regrets that I mostly medicated myself to forget. But I never got around to forgiving myself . Rehab after rehab , I just followed the script, knowing that I deserved nothing more. People , therapist, doctors, bla bla, all had the same annoying thing to say . Something like you cannot move on , until you let go!
Come to think of it , I must have looked like a Hillbilly without his moonshine . In fact I am sure of it.

So in the past month I have had to clean up a lot of my own baggage , up until now I hid and avoided it at all cost.
Now, I am stuck in a funk with these emotions. Invading my space and forcing me to allow myself to feel , all this and avoiding my addictions . So where is the “special bus” now? ( By the way I mean no disrespect by my choice of words ).

Suddenly, I am hit with a force so fierce . It is ok to sit in silence , I am thinking ! Sitting in silence, avoiding my normal drama Queen tactics ( I do miss those , okay I still do have them ). I am not reacting to my own anxiety. I am not spending loads on numbing , I am not hiding . I needed the time to make some choices, healthy choices . But most of all I am taking the biggest gulp of air , knowing that I have to move on.

Bills may not get paid today, but they will be handled. I am not sitting with regret as my only company. I am force to live in the present and maybe I just needed to take some time to allow myself to dig deep and say goodbye to all that I have known. I feel that one door has closed and it is ok to be afraid of what lays ahead. In my case it is ok to be afraid of what lies behind door number 1, 2, or 3.

When I finally did manage to get out and about, laughing, smiling , being a bit spontaneous in a good way that was a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t get enough. I am a addict who is in recovery . A newbie , but even being addicted , I knew how to roll .

I took pride in myself at least that is what I wanted others to think. I was still living in regrets. hang on, let me just say what I mean. So I f**ked up. I did many unforgiving things, I lost those that I love most along the way . It hurts , I cry. Really I am crying . That too shall pass, The past can never be changed and most times not forgiven . That is a choice that I cannot control for others .

All this thinking has lead me to believe that I can start my own thing ( just saying business makes me tight in jaw, so I won’t say it , Yet). Do what I like , and find myself in the midst of a career , . Stop reacting to the pressure and focus more on what I can change . Find my place and be at peace with myself… Yep , I am going to try my hand at working for myself. I am good at being social and marketing . I don’t want to jinx myself, but I want to try. More about that at another time .
Okay I can’t help it , The phone started to ring .. They like me and what I am proposing . Really, THEY LIKED ME .

Uh, Damn I just stressed myself out . I just had to open my big mouth. I will take this as my little voice telling me to stop with the rambling . I am likely to find myself in my dream boat without two cents to rub together.
Miss you all these few weeks.
Trisha x

fierce www.brokenopenscars.com

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