Weakness is never, ever an option

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Weakness is never, ever an option.

That is what I am telling myself over and over again. Lately I’ve slowly allowed myself to become somewhat depressed. I am under a terrible amount of pressure cleaning up my baggage from last year. In case some of you don’t know this : Last year I dragged myself to the bottom of a bottle, a vodka bottle that is. This year I am trying my best to muster up all the strenght that I have to not let that happen again. It is very ugly place , a place that I have been more than once.

I find myself trying everything possible to keep my ever wandering mind busy, and for a while it worked fine. I am still into eating healthy and trying to keep up with my online mindfulness course. I do try to practice it on a daily basis, it allows me to to live in the present and is a good source of being aware . While yoga has enlighten me , I fear that I am losing the battle .
I am being lazy.
I cannot afford to be lazy, nor depressed.

Common sense is telling me to get out of the house . get some air and breath. The other part of me , the part that has controlled me and my addictions is saying . Drink until this feeling passes. I am determined not to allow this to happen.

Yet, here I sit. It’s afternoon and I am not dressed . I have no energy , this could be from the pills that my doctor gave me. ( I was suddenly surprised saturday when my back went out, it was painful and I am sure that I made a big drama over it causing me to only focus on negativity. After all I was stuck on the toilet for 30 mins, causing me panic and creating more drama with “what if’s” ).

I know what my options are . So I will get my lazy ass up force myself into the same bathroom that held me hostage and get dressed. Weakness is not something to be ashame of , you know when your dog dies or you find yourself in menopause and crying because they don’t have Taco Bell or tons of coupons( to buy only more comfort food ) here in Amsterdam.

However in my case digging myself to the bottom of a bottle is a Weakness that is never, ever an option.

I look around take a deep breath and prepare to get on with the rest of the day.

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The wacky, nutty, bipolar test

Mindbodygreen

Greensmoothiegirl

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4 responses to “Weakness is never, ever an option

  1. Oh Miss Crabby, I know your intention wasn’t to bring me to tears but your blog did, no offense. I felt like I was reading a story I told my autobiographer to write about me, down to sitting on the toilet this morning (maybe not for the same reasons though ha!) girl, I know that struggle with the bottle. I celebrated 10 years sobriety last week but had to leave a Halloween party last year balling bc everyone else was drinking and I couldn’t. I don’t know what idiot said it gets easier bc it really doesn’t, but you just have to become stronger. And it sounds like you are doing better at that 🙂 good for you! So you’re in Amsterdam? Holy shit! That has to be uplifting in itself–stay strong! Enjoy your day love. It just hit me, maybe that idiot meant…it gets easier bc you get stronger? Hmmm…

    Like

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