Weakness is never, ever an option.
That is what I am telling myself over and over again. Lately I’ve slowly allowed myself to become somewhat depressed. I am under a terrible amount of pressure cleaning up my baggage from last year. In case some of you don’t know this : Last year I dragged myself to the bottom of a bottle, a vodka bottle that is. This year I am trying my best to muster up all the strenght that I have to not let that happen again. It is very ugly place , a place that I have been more than once.
I find myself trying everything possible to keep my ever wandering mind busy, and for a while it worked fine. I am still into eating healthy and trying to keep up with my online mindfulness course. I do try to practice it on a daily basis, it allows me to to live in the present and is a good source of being aware . While yoga has enlighten me , I fear that I am losing the battle .
I am being lazy.
I cannot afford to be lazy, nor depressed.
Common sense is telling me to get out of the house . get some air and breath. The other part of me , the part that has controlled me and my addictions is saying . Drink until this feeling passes. I am determined not to allow this to happen.
Yet, here I sit. It’s afternoon and I am not dressed . I have no energy , this could be from the pills that my doctor gave me. ( I was suddenly surprised saturday when my back went out, it was painful and I am sure that I made a big drama over it causing me to only focus on negativity. After all I was stuck on the toilet for 30 mins, causing me panic and creating more drama with “what if’s” ).
I know what my options are . So I will get my lazy ass up force myself into the same bathroom that held me hostage and get dressed. Weakness is not something to be ashame of , you know when your dog dies or you find yourself in menopause and crying because they don’t have Taco Bell or tons of coupons( to buy only more comfort food ) here in Amsterdam.
However in my case digging myself to the bottom of a bottle is a Weakness that is never, ever an option.
I look around take a deep breath and prepare to get on with the rest of the day.