Feels Like Bipolar Stuck In Purgatory



Heart racing. Palms sweating. Breathing rapid and shallow. Mouth dry. Knees knocking.

That is how i am feeling today. Without getting into the details, I am feeling overly stressed and mentally drained. I am drained from top to bottom , I would like to numb. Numbing for me means a drink or whatever is on the table. Those nasty habits that have engulfed my life.
Now this is not a relapse post, for by the grace of God and me being superwoman (kidding ) I am writing this stone cold sober.

Lately I am trying to keep my post positive. But, let’s face it, life for some of us can be as if we are stuck in purgatory. Bipolar, ADD, missed chances and regret comes to mind and I haven’t even got down to the dirty part that I struggle with. That “ down right nasty” addiction. In order for me to keep myself in check, I have just recently learned to pick myself up and live in the now!

All that sounds great but actually doing it is sometimes a huge challenge.

Just as pain . Pain is a warning. It informs and motivates us. If you’re resting your hand on a hot stovetop, it’s important to feel that pain in order to remove your hand quickly and avoid burns. ( you see this is me learning to be mindful, always the hard way )

It feels as if I am in a big panic to avoid any pain. Now I am by far the last person to be to start preaching . All this mindfulness and positive thinking really takes effort. Just getting up and sticking with my online yoga for beginners is an effort. Yet now that I have missed a day or 2, I am suddenly beating myself up. Then it occurred to me that the reason I am “stuck” today is because I am trying way too hard to avoid the burns of the past, present and whatever the future may hold.

After having a cup of tea, for those of you who missed that . It’s Tea, not tea and vodka! I said to myself “ Self” you are no damn guru and you are suppose to be just where you are today . In the middle of finding myself and that does mean facing the pain..

So as I sit here writing this post half ass listening to “The Preppers “ on TV ( now that is pain ) I start to relax. No more knocking knees and the focus slowly comes back as my heart has slowed down ( that could be the medication) . I am ready for my mindfulness training course that is free online.


Mindfulness (Photo credit: kenleyneufeld)

Adapt and overcome they say. I say “the preppers “ are beginning to make me panic.

my website : Drinking Bipolar



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