I am a bit nostalgic for the sweet, swoony buzz from a good drink or two–the kind that used to make me feel warm and liquid and a little light-headed.
I was never one of those savoring-the-fine-wine types of drinkers. I was more like, “Which drink will get me out of my head fastest?”
I was a big drinker at the time. I would drink every day, I would drink alone. I thought the whole concept was so f**king cool. And in my case I was able to be numb. Not to listen to the inner thoughts that were roaming around in my head. It always goes back to the addict, the one who screams ME ME ME the loudest.
“It’s not safe outside. The city—any city—is littered with my drug of choice…suddenly you realize that everything is a bar now: the coffee bar, the frozen-yogurt bar, the chocolate bar, the pizza bar—and there is nowhere left to run except straight to the dive liquor store that sells the hard stuff with no bullshit on the side, where the only thing that separates you from feeling normal is a thin brown-paper bag and the time it takes you to walk home.
In other words, you can’t just leave the house sober and hope for the best; you have to be armed… ( drinking diaries )
Some days, I really have no idea what to do with myself. I can go either one or completely the other way. So here I sit surrounded with every self help book I could get my hands on. I started doing online yoga and trying to meditate but am I happy with this?
Sometimes yes, and by that I mean I feel as if I am doing this for me. I feel a sense of pride returning and positive. And then again NO, I have been numbing for over 20+ years. I sometimes get up and think why can’t I have that morning beer, the one that allows the numbing to begin. That allows me not to struggle with all the thoughts rushing at me . It was normal for me.
What I am saying is I am still in the midst of a huge struggle. Not so much as missing the drinking process , it’s living in the now that has become a struggle. This is something foreign to me . Today and just for today, I am trying my hardest to let it , live in the now and push the drinking me aside.
I have done many things that has haunted me for many years , I mean I have been deported from not one but 2 countries. I have minimum contact with my children and surely they must have abandonment issues . I live with “what if” , however I am allowing myself to be forgiven. After all these years of drug and alcohol addiction , many rehabs, and many broken promises, I am doing my best to just find Me,Like me , accept the past , stop numbing the regret away and hopefully learn to love Me. I am Bipolar, I am a addict , I have ADD but that does not define who is sitting here chain smoking and trying to find the right words to share today. So there it is.
Like or not..
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