Consumed Obsessively


My whole state of being was consumed by alcohol which left me incapable of truly loving the person I was with or myself .
 There were the few occasions where I drank within safe limits and enjoyed a bottle of wine over a meal in a romantic restaurant, the warm buzz of the alcohol making me feel more relaxed and sexy. These instances were, however, few and far between.

For the most part, I drank way more than was good for me.
My dependency on alcohol had numerous destructive effects on my love life, but here is a brief summary of those that were most notable: I argued fiercely when drunk with anyone who offered a different opinion to mine, I would not tolerate anybody who told me I’d had enough to drink, and hangovers left me depressed, anxious and full of self-remorse and self-pity.

Additionally, I usually drank until I passed out on the sofa (not great for a healthy sex life), I flirted outrageously with other men and occasionally this led to more than flirtation, and finally—perhaps worst of all—my thoughts were consumed obsessively by alcohol. When could I have another drink? How much could I get away with without looking like an alcoholic? Would I look desperate if I opened yet another bottle?

Drinking so heavily and frequently caused me to be a selfish and thoughtless .
I didn’t really care about the person I was with, just that he didn’t prevent me from drinking. Days following heavy sessions generally involved my feeling so depressed that I couldn’t think straight. Trying to patch up arguments proved to be almost impossible, with comments screamed at each other the night before in a drunken rage being impossible to retract and smooth over.

Trust was virtually non-existent.

I no longer put off important tasks in favor of going out drinking or lying in bed with a hangover, I am happy and positive.

I still drank alcohol, but during all those years that I spent binge drinking and pin-balling between break-ups and reunions, arguments and drunkenness, I never thought that the ingredient that was missing in my life was something as simple as sobriety – the problems in my love life were, I was convinced, down to bad luck and less than perfect men.
Now it is all about me . Maybe that is selfish, but those of you who “get this post” get me !Not bad exactly, but not good.
Destiny’s way of showing me that being sober is the best path for me to take.

Now after saying all this , I am just a chic who is looking for answers , trying to be mindful and get the most out of the art of mindfulness. I am just me . I relapses re-group and most important be aware that destiny will not save me. . Am I sounding like some guru today? I no longer want to whine and moan about my shitty past or drink myself numb in order to avoid it.
It has taken years, but I want to shine again. That is the real deal.  419158_289126874478152_237426276314879_819869_113747810_n


6 responses to “Consumed Obsessively

  1. I love your post! But right now I’m drunk and euhm, white text on black backgrounds makes my eyes bleed.

    Btw, if you really want to shine, it’ll happen. Don’t worry! 😉


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