Dear Drugs

 

Dear Drugs,
I miss you deeply and it’s been so hard to refrain from giving in and crawling back to you. You were a part of my life for so long and most of the time you were all I cared about. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still think about you but now that I have my head on straight I know I’m better off without you. I didn’t realize how much of my life you controlled; I wasn’t happy being without you for even a second. I was constantly chasing your high and I did anything and everything to get it. Because of you I lied to people I love, sucked up to people I hated, and fucked whoever could supply me with what I wanted. I made all of my decisions around you: who I dated, who I hung out with, and how I spent my money. I lost so many good friends who tried to tell me I had a problem but I was in such denial I pushed them away. They just “didn’t understand”. The people I replaced with them weren’t friends at all. I was put in situations I’m lucky to have survived and was taken advantage of in so many ways. Fuck you for letting me risk my life while under your influence. I didn’t care about my life or body and I would have rather been dead than alive without you. Fuck you for letting me lose all of my self-respect for myself. I didn’t care about my reputation and even wanted to be looked at like a slut- it got me closer to getting free drugs. Fuck you for doing permanent damage to my body and mind. I get flashbacks, nosebleeds, and I can only imagine the amount of damage you did to my organs. Most of all fuck you for your addictive qualities. I’ll struggle with keeping you out of my life forever. I have to watch where I go and who I’m around to make sure I don’t run into you. One simple mistake could lead me to slip into your hypnotic grasp. Sometimes I try to convince myself that one more time wouldn’t hurt… but I know that once is too much and a million is never enough. When I’m bored or upset I get desperate for some way to feel you running through my blood. I crave the feeling of being fucked up. I miss my phone being blown up with drug offers and requests, party invitations, rave addresses, etc. I miss living life on the edge; never knowing what was next, not worrying about my future or if I was even going to wake up the next morning. I miss not giving a shit about anything: not having feelings, only looking out for myself. That’s the way you make me feel and I want the apathy back. Some days I get by just fine, but some days I go crazy over you. Those are the days I sleep all day, preventing me from getting things done. I just want to get OVER you already, WHY CAN’T I STOP YOU FROM CONTROLING MY LIFE?! I try not to regret anything but there’s so much I’m ashamed of. You were present for every single one of those situations. You made me who I am today but half of the time I hate that person. I’m disappointed in myself for letting my addiction get so bad without me even noticing it. I’m furious at myself for using the people closest to me and telling them to fuck off when they confronted me about it. I’m proud of myself now for taking you out of my life, but I’m still under your spell. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to get away from you. I taught myself to rely on you and now I have to re-learn basing skills I don’t have the confidence to do while I’m sober. My social life is turned upside down and I don’t know who to trust. I’m terrified of getting fucked over, but I also don’t know how to control my feelings towards people. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I don’t know what’s appropriate to share with people I just meet, and I crave the attention I got when I was the hot fucked up chick at every party. I cant put into words how powerful that made me feel. Having guys follow me around, giving me anything I asked for, never once feeling lonely. I confuse sex with love, and I give myself up way too easily. I can’t interact with people like other people can, people keep telling me to be myself but I don’t even know who I am anymore. I thought I had everything figured out, partying was my lifestyle, living out of my car and dating drug dealer after drug dealer seemed normal to me. Now I don’t know where I belong, I have a hard time making friends because I feel like I don’t fit in with anyone. I don’t know what’s happened to me, I never thought I would be the “mystery girl” on my floor keeping to myself and drinking alone when I hear other girls having fun next door. I’m living such a sad life without you, and it’s devastating. Before you, I was so outgoing and had so many friends. The kind of friends who cared about ME. I had morals, I would have never stolen, cheated, had sex with men I didn’t have feelings for, or used impulsivity to make important decisions. Overall, I really don’t know exactly how to explain my feelings towards you. I fell in love with you the second you entered my life. You consumed all of my thoughts, my plans, my life. It turned into a love hate relationship real quick though, and a lot of times I wish I never had that first taste. Now not only do I despise you and resent you, I miss you and crave you. That’s why this is so hard for me. I hope to keep you out of my life as long as I’m alive, and I’m proud of myself for doing it this long. I’ve never felt so strong in my life and I wont let you take that away from me.