the broken younger me on the road to drinking bipolar


Yesterday I took some time off writing to reflect on what I have written this week so far. I wanted to send a copy of what I have so far to my daughter but after re-thinking it ( rethinking is also a new tool for me ). I knew it would be a huge mistake . The way that I am jumping around in the story itself, she would not understand. I then thought that this is MINE. “I know someday , somehow I am going to make alright but not right now, I know you’re wondering when.” (Nickel Box. )After hearing this ,I had somewhere to start again, I can’t keep saying how this is very emotional for me . Mainly because I am keeping it to myself without any input from friends and family. My bipolar “moments “ have left me alone with things that I feel are important. I do understand because that I can be tiring and more than over the top. Anyway i choose to keep this for myself. It is very personal and I have no idea if I will f*ck this up. The only thing that is concerning me is the way my family will see these words that I am sharing in order to allow me to heal. To them I say if it was as easy as a pill .. it would be grand. Am I just being selfish again , throwing not only my dirty laundry but my family’s shit in the mix. So Sunday I just may a big effort to listen to some other positive people. I have read this book by Iyanla Vanzant , Yesterday , I cried. The damn book has been staring at me for few now. I just could not pick it up. i understand that by picking this book up, I had to do some work on myself. That involves sometimes admitting we could have made better choices or just knowing that I made the same bad choice again. So I just wasn’t ready . However this book has helped me with addiction, loss and more loss and addiction. But I wasn’t ready to give myself over that easy. It means I didn’t get it right the first time. something happened to me that made me want to “get right “ . Don’t laugh, knowledge, and God bless the Internet. ( I may have left out one very important detail, the movie “The social network”. As I sat manic for about a week, I turned Mac Mini computer, My notebook ( also apple ) and my Acer ( ?) into a station center and locked down this way for months. ( did slow down for refill of vodka and places orders for more of the same… but that is negative and not what happened. I just needed to prepare you for the light that came to be .( I am being dramatic ) I learned something. I found something that I had passion for. It feels as if music should start. Suddenly I felt the need to get well and be well. I am on a mix on medication, I see a therapist but I have yet to into the cord of what is making me feel so much pain, and why I have to feel I have done well only when I have completely torn myself apart. for many years I knew that I was in pain and I just felt that I was broken. In truth I felt I deserved my pain and much more. i would like to keep preaching about this but in truth I was just fucking tired losing anything and everyone close to be … all because I refuse to let the powers of above guide me. ( sober that is ). I am now unable to really tell where the blog begins.. I have said enough. Let’s look at shit through each others eyes On with it , ( old timers and nuts only , under 16 …..not) 

Read the about the broken younger me            

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