On Bipolar Lockdown

I feel so out of control right now. Just yesterday, I was thinking as I was watching “ A gypsy life for me “ that I would love being a gypsy and then some smart ass said to me “ yeah, men are men and the women ( which are very pretty) know there place. After rolling my eyes and taking a second to ask the good Lord to please hold me back from getting ghetto on his ass. This show is new to Amsterdam so maybe this is all old news for you . But for me, I was pissed and stubborn for the rest of the night. bedtime was at 10:30pm. OK, I am bipolar and I have had a very hard emotional week. I feel like i need to suddenly be doing something great with my life. Being Bipolar , I intended on making this happen yesterday.
I have a chronic illness which has left me feeling like I have aged 20 years since finding out last year, did not stop me from sitting up until the wee hours of the morning making new CV’s. I made a CV for everything that I could think of. And being manic, I thought that I would apply for my therapist job and sent the CV in. it seemed like a great idea at the time. But why stop there I sent the made-up Cv to all the mental health centers.
I have no medical experience!
I don’t think that I slept much and was in a state of pure greatness.. watch out Obama!
I suppose that my doctor was concerned and made a house visit, something that I made clear to never do again. I grabbed the sleeping pills and thought when I get his job .. HE IS FIRED!
My computer is in the bed with me , the TV is blasting and I refuse to answer the phone. I am thinking between the bitching and whining . I am going on strike , no meds, no food ( not too depressed I am thinking of summer) hell why not go all the way. No make-up, showers, etc.. final thought, make sure the internet is good before drilling the bedroom door shut. God, I want wickie vodka and would sniff anything that has a warning label.
I didn’t have to worry about saving myself , my boyfriend did it for me and drilled the door shut .
He was very pissed when the doorbell rang, he asks: did you call anyone? who me? No !
Then he yells, the pizza man is here with wine , beer and cigs ( shit that habit again is back).
The next thing I hear is the drill opening the door ( as if I am coming out) and in comes the pizza guy. I can just imagine how I looked. Hell I haven’t showered or slept in 2 days . I can see his young ,wide eyed , pimpled face mumbling something about hating his job. Finally he says :
“Ms, that will be 113 euros, but please order food next time.
Woke up feeling better after finally taking the meds that my doctor left behind. I was ready for a shower. My mom always said if you can smell yourself , others can too. So I jumped my less fat ass up and had a shower.
Where did all this alcohol and 6 packs of cigs come from.
Looked at my email and had a job offer ( mental health clinic) . I was confused. What is going on? Just then the thought crossed my mind, was I so crazy that I am going to be locked up? More emails from my doctor…. Where is the Damn drill!!!
Saturday: it wasn’t me and that is the story I am sticking to.
Bipolar sucks in a funny way that few “get”

Still we fight


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6 responses to “On Bipolar Lockdown

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