What the hell am I going to do with myself now?

 

What the hell am I gonna do with myself now?

Yep, I am torn between what I could be doing and what I should be doing. What am I doing now? Not a damn thing. So here I sit as if nothing really happened. I came back to town expecting the people around me to have changed . They didn’t, and I find myself falling into the same bullshit that I had before I left . I am determined to turn this around. Maybe I am suffering from midlife depression or have the empty nest syndrome or a feeling of “what’s next?, whatever the case may be I will not drown myself in alcohol or other things that make me numb from yester-years . I have been taking trazodone and I am not sure if I feel anything at all. OK maybe something, I sleep at odd hours and I can sleep a lot, also I am not as emotional. So , I guess that is something!  They say  that  you stop growing mentally around the same time that you become a addict. If that is the case , no wonder I am running on empty while my mental state is still on  the back seat of some buick, no skip that , why not go all the way and lets call it a smokin Harley Davidson. What I do know is the new 50´s is nowhere near my old age  40 something closer to 50.

Another thing ,I can remember the day I knew I would never quit drinking. I was sitting in my closet, contemplating the bottle of vodka had just picked up at the liquor store and realizing I was absolutely, positively going to open it.

I had been trying to quit for months at that point. No wait: I’d been trying to quit for years. I would wake up on a Sunday, all cringes and stabbing pain, and I’d swear off the stuff only to crawl back on my belly in three days, maybe four. This time I’d made a formal effort, though. I was Quitting. Done. Finito. At some point, you must accept that the universe has granted you enough epic nights and drunken rages,Let’s agree that a closet is not the sexiest place to drink .

I drank for another few years after that. It was great, until it was not. One morning, I woke up near dawn and understood that if I kept drinking, I would not get the things I wanted most. I knew that I could keep drinking for the rest of   my life . . Sometimes you just have to fail 99 times to succeed once. Lately, I have been trying to do things I am bad at, simply to remind myself that it’s OK. I must admit that this is all new to me and  it is sometimes hard to think of  starting new sober. Hell I can’t recall a time that I wasn’t on  one thing or another. It is a struggle . It is also hard because I was never a fall down , sloppy,  smelling like  I bathed in the vodka bottle drunk. But then again who would tell me . I  started this post tonight about one thing that was suppose to funny .  Instead, I took a deep breath, and  wanted to succeed.