I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump

Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I’m reaching out for you?I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick myself back up

 Most of you know that these are lyrics from Eminem’s song Beautiful. 

So I stole  of few lines, but hey did I get your attention? this is some powerful shit and these days I am all about being real and sometimes real just hurts. It was during my first stay at rehab that I was taught that hurt is healing .I call this blog Drinking Bipolar and at the time it was really to give myself a reason to laugh about the abuse and not take it seriously. But with time , change happens. So , I have been told that this is sometimes brutally honest and sometimes , I am full of shit. Lets, just call this one of my honest moments.
Lately, I can feel myself falling back into an deep place that I don’t want to go into. If you have been there then you will understand , if you haven’t. .. what can I say, read this for amusement . My days have been turning into nights without me evening knowing it. Depression is new to me but I know when I am ‘over the top” . I went to see my therapist today and before I even got to the door I had everything planned out about what I would say . As if I had to see him, still I walked in and my good intentions were f*cked , the tears came and they came. I am depressed he says , I am hiding my depression. I am ashamed of my depression.
I am a fighter ! I will find my way regardless of how I win. Yes, that iS how I look at this f*cking bipolar thinking . It makes hide, it fills me with shame, the regret is deeper, the hurt suddenly has colors, the colors are loud in my ears with song. Are you getting me yet?
how could I not have noticed this before, was I too drunk , too buzzed .. to me?
Acceptance is the only voice that I have left. I am proud to know this, I am scared to accept it.
I look out my window , the sun is setting and my tears are dry, I feel something in my soul that is familiar. turning the music down I go to the mirror and I do a bit of self talk.. I am OK. I am what I am . I am bipolar at midnight ,I am bipolar in midlife, I am bipolar lonely, I am bipolar scared, I am bipolar with regrets, I am bipolar me.
I am bipolar with a voice. I am me and bipolar is saving me . I am sober for now , I go a meeting . I am….. BIPOLAR

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6 responses to “I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump

  1. Sorry you’re so unhappy, I’m not doing real well either. I sometimes wish I was bipolar, I think I’d enjoy the manic periods, at least I wouldn’t be so bored to death, there’d be some variety in my life…

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  2. Since I am Bipolar 2, I spend the majority of my life in a depressed state. I know that for me, every step I take feels lke my feet are encased in concrete. I might get things done, but thay take exponentially longer. My memory is for crap and I forget to do very important things. I have learned over time, though, that being ashamed and trying to hide the situation from the important people in my life (best friends and treatment team) just draws out the process of getting me stabilized. Good luck!

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