facing forward and backward

 


I like it better when I was feeling Crabby and Saggy , at least I had to laugh about how I was feeling. I could always cheer myself up just knowing that I may be crabby and saggy today but it’s your turn tomorrow ( Or does everyone look like Courtney Cox )
I am sitting here listening to Debbie Boone ” you light up my life” on Oprah. Remember that ( back in the old days ). Ah! OK enough of that.Still it made me think how I always say “OK” when I just want to push the feelings aside. My therapist wants me to discuss my children, this is the big ” No, I am not ready “! I walked away. I don’t know how to handle those feelings sober . I have been numbing it for so long that I am a stranger to these feelings . I went to get a glass of wine and as I stood pouring the wine. I broke ! I broke for all the feelings I should have felt along time ago. I broke for the shame and the reasoning’s that I have been numbing myself daily.. I broke for the lost of their mother, I broke because I was ready to feel what was coming next. I will stop writing for a moment and break some more …..
I know what is coming .. the shame, guilt, lost, remorse HURT, PAIN…. it comes in huge waves. It comes heavy and I am overwhelmed.
I let it out , as if it is the first time that I have cried . Today I let it out and I cry for the lost of my children.

Yes…. I am the mother! I am the lost mother.
I am ready to heal but it takes so much emotion from me that I look around for anything to numb the raw feelings .
I have I have 1 beer ! Damn !! And I look up and say thank you God… Let’s do this . I am ready to heal. 1 beer ! Damn !! And I look up and say thank you God… Let’s do this . I am ready to heal.        

( When I stared this post out I had the feeling that my spunk was returning . I got up went to check on dinner and came back feeling somber, no not sober, which I am by the way but somber. So people just roll with it , by that I mean my jumping bipolar emotions, For this too shall pass. Otherwise it will be “Pass the Vodka” .

www.brokenopenscars.com ( my website )

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2 responses to “facing forward and backward

  1. I can relate xo Mothering Guilt is the biggest “Ow” I have. I’ve been lucky enough to have children who seem not to notice the need for it, as much as I do — but Mother Knows Best, right? 🙂 Salute, sister.

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    • You know I was thinking this morning , I better be somewhat grateful for having bipolar, because I hate to think how else I would handle this sudden midlife change. Have a great weekend and thank you for your support . I am happy to say that I am feeling better . Trish

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