It has been a long week for me . I was sitting on the pity pot for way too long. Then I started to do this thing that I always, you know. Making the dreaded “list”. What will change from this day forward. I will accept total responsibility for all of my bipolar and mostly non bipolar fuck up’s. At this, I stop! I need to do is explain that I am often guilty of what is refer to as “magical thinking” . So let me take a magical jet plane back to mother earth and start over, Alot of things are on my mind. I keep it bottled inside because I feel that this magical thinking at my age isn’t cute one bit . It carries a certain amount of shame that I would rather keep hidden or maybe i just feel older. I see myself changing at such a rapid rate . This chronic illness is messing with me and overwhelming me entirely. The anxiety, stress and paranoia I feel on a daily basis make me think it is okay if not expected, that I medicate them. There is it , I have been self medicating again. I hid out in my house as if I was on the ‘Most Wanted” list. ( all of magical thinking going on ) .I knew that I had to start at the beginning again, it seems that I have spent most of my life in a haze of trying to seek help from the haze. I called the bipolar center ( I have missed the last 3 appts) The lady on the phone was asking dumb fu*king questions that seem to go on for hours. Am I seeing things, as if I am gonna share my magical moments with this woman. I came very close to offering to pay for shock therapy if she’d leave me alone. That’s right- I got personal. Bitch
Ok, I may be rambling a bit , the point is I knew that I was in trouble and a big part of me wanted the magical thinking. I would feel better and more important in control.
Only this time ,the mania wasn’t the same, this little treat would be short lived . Here I am facing normal. F*ck normal.