Where is spunky me

 

I am in over my head . I’m not depressed or manic, it just feels like my life has stopped moving. I spend most of my time avoiding my thoughts. If you  know me , you will agree that this is  not such a bad thing . I am trying to avoid drinking myself normal.  I have been abusing drugs and alcohol for more years than I can remember,  and at some point I unfortunately,  ( before the invention of cell phones and maybe the wheel )started drinking everyday because I was stressed and I couldn’t deal with my life, my thoughts, my growing depression and panic attacks.  It’s scary to think that I all of my adult life high or drunk. My journey into madness begins with the first . Of course I was missing the symptoms of bipolar depression, or the warning signs of the manic behavior that was due to follow. I wasn’t surprise by the bipolar test results. 
 It isn’t a case where you wake up one morning and say to yourself  “Oh no! I’ve lost my mind!”  M

y illness is finally hitting me in the face and I have been isolating . I feel my body falling apart , I mean it was nothing too great to begin with but still I could get up and do my thing . Today I had to go to the store , I really thought I was gonna die trying to get back on my bike . (Yes , I said bike, this is Amsterdam, and I really missed having a car today.) The thought that things have to get worst before they get better has my head up my ass. As you know I write about the trauma of recently being robbed . Yes , it happened and all while I was asleep. In case you missed that post, I am talking about suddenly waking up and seeing a reflection of only my former self as I past the mirror in the hallway. I looked more like Tammy Faye Baker on crack ( sorry Tammy and I threw that mirror out) . OK here jumping subjects again . I guess this older version of me is allowed to that . 
I just let out a big smile and realized that I have just had a bitch session with you.  And it felt good. So back to the past 2 weeks, I keep telling myself not to dwell on shit that I can’t change , and get up and stay structured and focus. I really have good intentions but I just have no motivation at all. At times a big part of me is just giving up. I think that I need better support . My hair is falling out , I was told that it would be best to cut it short from the beginning . And this isn’t even the hard part yet , I am losing myself and it scares me to think that maybe I just don’t care . I have been reading the blogs of people that are following me lately , and it has at times given me the added boost that is needed , so thank you.
Ok. Here is the thing , I am thinking of having a survey on if I should change my blogs name . I would love to here you thoughts. 
That is all for tonight .

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3 responses to “Where is spunky me

  1. I have been worried about you. It seems I haven’t seen anything from you in a while. My hair has been falling out too. It has been happening the last couple years. I try and put stuff on it to make it grow back but im inconsistant. So I know what thats like. It is hard to find the right hair length. Mine is falling out on top, so I have to have it short enough to like stand up and not to short that you can see through it lol. I like your name BTW, but I would still like you by any other name lol

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    • I just wanted ro say hello . I believe that my small bout of depression is lifting .I am getting the few hairs on my head cut today. I don’t know why the hair thing bothers me the most. Otherwise I can always buy some lol.
      But seriously I live far away from my family and reading your comments really have made a difference . So thank you and have a good weekend . Off to the hairdresser I go 🙂

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  2. I haven’t been following you for very long, but I do enjoy your blog. Personally, I am of the opinion that, if your hair is falling out, cut it short and rock the short look. As for the exhaustion and lack of motivation, have you talked to your doctor? I know you have mutiple medical conditions going on, so it is likely that the doctor *needs* to know.

    Isolating is one of my “go-to” unhealthy behaviors as well. It is so very hard to go out when I am feeling bad (physically, mentally, or both). I do know that when possible, I try to make plans that I won’t cancel. Or invite friends over to do dinner or go out. If you don’t have many friends that you trust, take the next step and reach out for help. There are probably groups in your area that enjoy doing something you do, or are willing to talk about the illnesses you are facing. Personally, I prefer a hobby to therapy, but that is just me.

    The other thing that has been recommended to me is to get a therapy dog. I am not sure how debilitating your physical ailments are (and I am not asking), but if you can afford and are able to take care of an older dog, you would have to go out to take the dog for walks.

    As for the name of your blog, do you feel that it still fits? If not, what direction do you want to take the blog next? If you feel that it is where you used to be and want to be again, don’t change it. Use it as a goad to get you where you want to be.

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