I am in over my head . I’m not depressed or manic, it just feels like my life has stopped moving. I spend most of my time avoiding my thoughts. If you know me , you will agree that this is not such a bad thing . I am trying to avoid drinking myself normal. I have been abusing drugs and alcohol for more years than I can remember, and at some point I unfortunately, ( before the invention of cell phones and maybe the wheel )started drinking everyday because I was stressed and I couldn’t deal with my life, my thoughts, my growing depression and panic attacks. It’s scary to think that I all of my adult life high or drunk. My journey into madness begins with the first . Of course I was missing the symptoms of bipolar depression, or the warning signs of the manic behavior that was due to follow. I wasn’t surprise by the bipolar test results.
It isn’t a case where you wake up one morning and say to yourself “Oh no! I’ve lost my mind!” M
y illness is finally hitting me in the face and I have been isolating . I feel my body falling apart , I mean it was nothing too great to begin with but still I could get up and do my thing . Today I had to go to the store , I really thought I was gonna die trying to get back on my bike . (Yes , I said bike, this is Amsterdam, and I really missed having a car today.) The thought that things have to get worst before they get better has my head up my ass. As you know I write about the trauma of recently being robbed . Yes , it happened and all while I was asleep. In case you missed that post, I am talking about suddenly waking up and seeing a reflection of only my former self as I past the mirror in the hallway. I looked more like Tammy Faye Baker on crack ( sorry Tammy and I threw that mirror out) . OK here jumping subjects again . I guess this older version of me is allowed to that .
I just let out a big smile and realized that I have just had a bitch session with you. And it felt good. So back to the past 2 weeks, I keep telling myself not to dwell on shit that I can’t change , and get up and stay structured and focus. I really have good intentions but I just have no motivation at all. At times a big part of me is just giving up. I think that I need better support . My hair is falling out , I was told that it would be best to cut it short from the beginning . And this isn’t even the hard part yet , I am losing myself and it scares me to think that maybe I just don’t care . I have been reading the blogs of people that are following me lately , and it has at times given me the added boost that is needed , so thank you.
Ok. Here is the thing , I am thinking of having a survey on if I should change my blogs name . I would love to here you thoughts.
That is all for tonight .