It suddenly hits me that I am not special

Sometimes the trust has been broken , privacy violated  all in the name of being numb.That is what I know is true , I also know the fight of my life begins and it is scary and exciting at the same time.
I want to jump up and yell’ Hey, I am on my way, I will be OK” but I don’t dare . They have heard this shit before . More times than I can count . It suddenly hits me that I am not special , I don’t hold special powers to avoid the big slap down .
I can’t seem to move at the moment , I am recalling all the bullshit I led myself into . This was a choice as well. I guess you the readers are wondering .. OK, lets get on with it.. I am officially being admitted on Monday .  I wonder about this waiting period, because knowing me as i do . I am gonna party hard. I will regret it and my body will want to give up on me . It seems like permission to “get busy!”
So I sit, I wait .. I hold my breath . I don’t really have that much support . That could be most people that I know think that me going to treatment for what could be 3 months is insane . “ I don’t need it”. Are they blind?
So on this sunny Thursday , I have already have my share of vodka and now beer . It is no wonder that i am looking like a beached whale.
I have 3 whole days to turn my insides into mush , to believe my own bullshit and to live in my insanity of alcohol. Or I can not do any of the above. I have no special powers and I am pretty weak when it comes to this.
I just do nothing … for now .

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