this ain’t my first rodeo

Yes, lets stick with the rainbow.

I have been reading alot of blogs on bipolar and suddenly I know that I am special and while I still may feel that I “FEEL” to much . You know when I think I love someone I invade them completely all in the name of love. When I am angry with someone, it goes from angry to hate so fast that I have trouble being that mad. There is no “Grey” . When I hurt , it is so painful you would think I was a victim of someone lost in the tragic waters of the tusmuni. I am aware of these behaviors , I have put in may hours of reading over the Internet. ( oh yeah, now I know it all). A few weeks ago when my doctor bought up alcohol, it was a fucked up meeting . I just walked out with my meds in hand and thought to myself he is right but I can handle it . Yes so what I have yet another problem. Fuck it I am bipolar and you would drink to if you had to handle the mood swings , always having to watch yourself when you are talking .. am I talking to fast , bla bla.

I am just going through the motions and waiting until I am off to the land where nuts are normal, and drinking is causing a big black cloud over my rainbow.

As you can clearly see I am just babbling today. I think that I have been taking myself way to serious.

I know that big changes are coming in the next few weeks. Change that is the real challenge that I am facing . I am also fighting it and looking for ways around it. But as Dr. Phil says “ this ain’t my first rodeo” I know that the only way that I can do this and be successful is to accept the change that is unavoidable.

I have been in a destructive relationship on and off going on 5 years now. ( I would like to say that it is more like a sister /friend relationship but it is more like a mother ) Since I know that change is coming I had to dig deep and think hard. You know “pro’s vs con’s kind of think. I am ashamed to admit that I have never come first in this relationship and the physical part is dead. My needs are not being met on any level. The more I wait for him to get better ( he is in a permanent headache or whatever it may be that day) I see it as a excuse for his behavior or rather lack of it. I listen to him with a smile on my face and understanding in my heart. But ,my head is sober enough to keep smiling and not listen to anything that comes out of his mouth.. And for this I keep telling myself “ he knows no better” and that is the truth. When I first thought about kicking the alcohol I brought it up to him and I wasn’t surprised that he fills this is all bullshit . Just stop he says. I could reply, just grow up. Oh Did I mention that he thinks he is a day trader on the markets. Well I guess he is, but it is clearly an addiction. I only see him in one position , his back to me while on the internet. There is no romance and that is what I am missing . I need it just as I need water. I am not talking about crazy TV romance.. just something . And I still have a clear enough head to know that my ship has not sunk yet. I am still just sitting in the harbor waiting for the magic to happen. To be fair it just isn’t in his nature and too much in mine. It is not all bad, we are now set into the habit of seeing each other just as I am stuck in the habit of smiling while listening to what we are going to next weekend. Ok, I am talking about change .. this is going to be the biggest one of all. But on the other hand just maybe I have missed out on something that was there all along. And maybe not!

I have been doing things my way for so long , and waiting for better results. That is insane and it comes natural. But like anything else I will be able to see the good in all this change and still be insane with a twist. ( The waiting is over, the hiding the pain will be better, the numbness will feel rebirth) Now that is scary and deserves winki wodka courage. ( I still have a few days , better enjoy it).

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