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Picture Good Morning . Wow this flu that has been kicking my ass is finally letting up.

It is always amazes me that how when you are sick you always just want your mom… doesn’t matter the age . Maybe I am just a be ass cry baby. Anyway I know how I am , if I feel even a little bit better I am ready to go out and take on the world. When I should just take it easy . I had a “ poor pitiful me week. I am hoping to change that this week. As most of you know I am trying to make something on written paper ( like a book ..yes a book ) out of my writings. But I think that I should just stop thinking of it that way .. Just write .

The last time `I wrote i had just hit a spot when I was in jail.. I don’t want to go there yet.. cause in truth you must me to understand what led up to that . Today i just am going to dig a bit deeper into my youth. It wasn’t really all bad. You know I had what I needed or so it seemed. I keep going back to a time when I lived in Oakland. You may not know this but Oakland was magical place during the 60’s and 70’s.. the movement or whatever you may call it was everywhere. And in some way I was apart of it just by being there. I find myself proud of that . They had the Black Panthers , They had the `free love , I saw a bit of it all.

Maybe that was a good part of being in a mixed family. My dad really had no idea what he wanted but he did try new things .. and here I was right behind him. I recall chatting my head off, yet not knowing why. Ok I was being apart of something .
April 18

It is a great day here in Amsterdam, the sun is out and as every sunny day my small apartment is hot as hell. Lekker ( that means good in dutch )

lately I have been focused on all the things in my life that are going wrong . After re-reading what I wrote on the 16 of April, it could have been alot worse. It isn’t often that I just sit back think of the good things. Maybe I need to do that more often. Even as I write this I am today just thinking of the nice things . Like the the 4th of July parties with all the family. I really miss that , you know the family things. I did the things that I did and at the time I really didn’t care . I don’t know if that counts for anything now . But I am so ready to live again. I was watching Oprah and Jane Fonda was on. ( she looks like a damn goddess , and I regret deeply not getting her work out video in the 80’s . But I have the Wii) . She said something that stuck with me, in your 20’s you don’t know shit but you think you know it all. In your 30’s ( for most of us ) you are busy having a family and making mistakes .. In your 40’s you start to open your eyes a bit . This is the second part of my life. I want to make it worth something. Maybe that is why I am so damn angry at myself all the time and instead of reflecting … I am just staying in the shit ! I am going to stop and go for a walk.

Yeap, that Jane Fonda is looking damn good and so can I .


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