should gone hiking

Why is it always so hard for me accept change. I must admit that I am stubborn. I say that because when I am overwhelmed with my emotions , I seem to always do what I have always done. I already know what the outcome is .. that is pure insanity.

Today I did try to do it different but in all honesty It was like stopping at a red and not knowing which way to go when the light turns green. So I was just walking in circles in this tiny apartment and somehow just found things to do. It is also very hard to put my needs first. I am trying to change that . But this shit isn’t easy. I was looking at some old pictures today , I did the “I wish ” thing and of course nothing happened except for me getting a bit down.

Honestly I feel that I wasted my life. My upbringing wasn’t normal by any means but it wasn’t as if I lived in the projects. I look at these pictures of my younger self and wonder what was I thinking . Where I did go left when I should have gone where my momma told me . If anything I really hope just one person reads this and gets what I am talking about and if I aim higher, I would hope that it helps young girl. Cause one day you too will look back and I hope it wont be filled with regret .This is beginning to sound as if I lived on skid row, selling myself for a crack hit.. No I had fun , but it is just strange that they don’t stick in my mind. What sticks in my mind is how I had choices . Yet I choose to way into the deep end, always thinking that I had a life jacket.

This must have been around the time that I was living in Alaska …yes I really did live in Alaska. I had three children there .

I also was a bootlegger in a real Indian village , having the only jet bring Pizza hut from anchorage ( along with a little extra ).

I am not sure why I put that part in just yet. Maybe so that you will see that Alaska was all about drugs . And everyone was doing them . from baby girl up to Grandma. I guess it was a way of beating the boredom. I wish I had just took up hiking, pfff

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