It is always that way

Never going to be the same is all I can say today. I am grabbing for anything or anyone to help me stay focus and  be positive. I guess that is the selfish addict in me. Always looking for the easy way out , fix, relationship, whatever. This change, is like moving mountains. One day I am fine and feel as if I am making some really progress until I get to comfortable.
Well I can tell you today I wasn’t comfortable by any means. I am on medication for bipolar and it seems everything that I take is either making me look like a big donut or like now I am itching so bad. I have been feeling pretty good lately, I seem to be focus. However, today I just felt as if I could snap at the poor older lady who was on the bike path.. I really said” move it granny”. Shit I have 2 grandchildren. All this time I am huffing and puffing. This Granny kicked my ass two times over walking up 3 flights of stairs. I could feel that I was beginning to get a bit down.  I came home and did what I could do to fight that feeling.  I cleaned and took a moment to reflex and rest. I am more than sure that writing this so called book of mine is affecting me in many ways, I am closing my eyes and seeing yesterday standing before me today. Maybe I am rushing , and for what I have no deadline or anyone really interested in what I am  writing . I just have this feeling coming from within saying “ you are healing by hurting “. If that is the case I should very much be healed and living problem free. That is not the case.
It is always that way 
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